Shadowy Bits

I saw a recent post on Facebook where Oprah says many people are held back from becoming who they were meant to be by shadow beliefs and feelings of unworthiness which distract us from finding our true purpose in the world.   Although, honestly, I have no idea what Oprah's "insecurities" are. I only know what mine are. I do know that my own insecurities have definitely shaped my life; for good or bad.

Even to this day, I see my ex-husband often conflicted by my words, expels numerous accusations and defenses in what is most likely an outpouring of "insecurities" rather than a rational position to assume in the discussion. This obviously affects him both emotionally and physically to the point of swaying me off balance and subsequently sending me into a state of confusion and self-afflicting deprecation where we both fall into old patterns.   Sometimes I call it, the 'darkeness of despair' and I am often ashamed I find this place so frequently.  But after listening to my heart and meditating on this I now choose to refer to it as simply as accepting what is..... and I see the shadows of my life as part of my whole life, not something to hide. 

What can I say? I never really planned out this life. I never asked for this, nor have I sought out training specifically to manage it.   I certainly never sought out to "manage" my life as if it were a Broadway Show or some kind of public event.   I never really had anyone teach me that there were certain "rules" or "guidelines" for which one follows to have a "successful" life.  I have friends (i.e successful friends) that tend to "show off" their awesome successes with much admiration and yet it becomes obvious that there too exists ample room to note the apparent shadows of self admiration and denial of truthful contrasts for life as it really plays out.

Shadows, scientifically speaking, are partial darkness or obscurity within a part of space from which rays from a source of light are cut off by an interposed opaque body . They are also considered an imperfect or faint representation of something, an imitation of something. (Webster's Dictionary Online)

Shadows, to the mystics are, the unwanted parts of ourselves or our ideas, dreams or thoughts. It can also represent the darker side of your nature, or the side of yourself that you reject, hide or try to conceal.   As a child, we had a superstition that you should not step on someones shadow because you would cause that person harm.
In Science of Mind, shadowy bits would basically refer to the parts of the Universe that are unseen, perhaps the “contrasts” for which make the rest of the “goodness” so overwhelmingly good. In fact, the shadows, for Religious Scientist practitioners wouldn’t really be an issue because we see the light and the darkness with the same affinity, respect and acceptance.
Yet, in regular society we are taught, persuaded, maybe even manipulated to tolerate that “shadows” are for hiding.  So, I ask...?
Can you live a successful life with shadowy bits still in the lurk? Can you reveal your shadowy bits and still find the love and admiration of your peers, let alone your closest ally, your romantic partner or best friend? Can you stomach the truth about one of your closest friends or family members and accept them for all parts revealed? Can we, as a society, choose to accept the shadows are part of the truth rather than try and stamp it out or ignore it’s presence? 

We, so unconsciously hide the shadows because we are somehow taught that they are ugly, unwanted or even immoral.  Yet, the shadows are as much a part of who we are as the light. Yet, people tend to choose to exhibit, emphasize, or call attention to the more successful part of their lives, rather than taking a stronger, more accepting, and self empathetic look at your shadowy bits.  Love them.  Bless them.  And pray that that they too are part of who you represent.  It makes us all the more human in the end.

Update ~ July 2012 
I recently finished the Boundaries class at VCSL led by the wonderful and gracious, Reverend Bonnie Rose.  In one class I had mentioned this idea of 'shadowy bits' and Bonnie mis-heard me at first, thinking I said, 'shadowy bitch' and we laughed but then immediately we realized the beautiful metaphor this afforded us!!  In our own spiritual transformation, how often does the shadowy bitch come out and try to thwart our personal growth?  How often does she try and minimize our achievement, downplay our strengths and in general, act like a complete bitch to us? 

The shadowy bitch is there as a part of who we are; in wholeness, as a reminder that yes, some times things are not always clear and cut and dry.  Yes, sometimes we must sit a bit longer in the uncomfortableness of being and feel what it is like to feel how we feel.  Sometimes we must accept the fact that our ego is trying to manipulate us in order to have more time at the helm.  But the truth is that we do have the power and presence of God within us put the shadowy bitch in her place (lovingly) and move towards the light of our being, into the truth of who we really are, beyond the apprehension of the ego and remember who we are.  That's the wild place to be.  That's the place to feel the wind in your face and know, truly know that you are who you are and that is just perfectly fine just as it is....

The Love of My Life

I am a dreamer. I have always been. I remember when I was in kindergarten and the teacher rudely interrupted me from a daydream in the middle of class; disgracefully awakening me from my fantasy land of nymphs and fairies dancing around my head to ostensibly focus on math lessons. What a trip!

In my middle school to high school years (as we were a rather rural region of Pennsylvania and things moved much slower in these parts...) I had crushes on boys. My older brother saw fit that they stayed clear for the most part until he left for college. Then I was free to reek havoc. The truth is, I fell in love quite early on and quite committedly to one guy. He, of course, did not want anything to do with me. The rejection was something that I guess I actually sought out (at least, with lot's of therapy, I am able to appreciate that fact).

In college; forget about it. I was too busy partying to have serious relationships. My most devoted ally, a 3' bong named Grimace, was with whom I slept most nights.

It wasn't until my senior year of college I met Scott and I fell madly in love. Actually, I didn't really, but we, of course had a meaningful connection and I mistook that for love. What is true love anyway?

We spent almost 10 years together.  And I now regret having left him because I see how special he was....  I have journal entries where I complain miserably about his OCD behavior or how he's not much of a sensual lover. I felt really comfortable with him.  Maybe a little too comfortable.  He could fix anything but not the greatest lover! 

When I ran off to Argentina and met Andres. Oh, Andres. Well, let's just say that love making is his sort of calling card.   But he was the kind of guy who knew every bouncer at every club in Buenos Aires....a city fo 13 million.  Sort of said something about his type, no?  While he was sensual and romantic, he couldn't stop flirting with every other woman, fix a toilet or drive a car. 

When I met Martin, I pretty much figured that I had been blessed with the two extremes and that with him I 'd find a happy medium. He can fix almost anything, even toilets, but alas, not broken hearts.  Well, funny how life just keeps you guessing. While he was perfect in almost every way, he was a disaster at being. Yes. BEING. He had trouble being present. He had no idea who or what was his priority. He had difficultly organizing. He fled to his mother and sisters for comfort and alienated me. He blamed me for pretty much everything that ever went wrong because he certainly was rarely present (both physically and mentally) when things got decided.    When we finally parted ways, I was at the receving end of a bunch of criticism that wasn't rightfully mine.  I am still, to this day, not sure what exactly he was so angry about.  He hasn't quite let me in on his own insights.

As a single woman again, I finding dating to be tremendous work.  It's not like it was 5 or even 10 years ago when you met someone, you clicked and things took course from there.  Now there is so much more at stake and I find so many of these 'possibles' quite literally impossible to stomach.  With each new failure at love I become all the more in tune with the my own strengths, weaknesses and most impotantly, boundaries.  What I want vs. what I don't want.  I am still a little sketchy on what I want; I am becoming clearer most certainly on what I don't want. 

Well, the one bright side to all of this, is that I finally, after all of this strife and heartache have found my one true love.   I have discovered my son, Ziggy, the most wonderful creature ever created. Yes, he is challenging. He can scream louder than Liza. There are moments when we both need a time out. But he's amazing. He's amazed. He's loving and he's lovable. He's innocent. He's accepting. He's absorbent and learning. He's brilliant. He's precocious and challenging. He's brave and enlightened. I wonder, was I?

I guess, in closing, while Ziggy can be one thing, (i.e. difficult) he is always the other truth to that thing (i.e. brilliant).   He is purely whole and perfect just as he is. He is, in short, the guy I've been looking for. He's my dream come true.  It is like Rev. Bonnie said, Ziggy Finn Santos will forever be like a prayer.  And it is.  How very grateful I am for him being in my life.  He is the most perfect representation of Infinite Spirit.  And for that, I am truly blessed.  And as I look into his beautiful blue eyes, I know that he is created as a part of me and therefore I too am perfect, beautiful and sort of like a prayer.  How cool is that?  To see the truth of your own self in the eyes of the one you love is what we are all searching for...and I have it.  Sure I had to go through shit (and continue to work my ass off) for it, but how very sweet it is.  Blessed be little Ziggy Finn Santos.  Nameste.