As I learn more about setting good boundaries, I realize that it is less like drawing a line in the sand as if to say, "don't cross this line", but rather it seems more appropriate to see boundaries at the waters edge, where ocean meets the land. Here, the line is more fluid, dynamic & present. And if one can imagine that the whole ocean is like our universal source of Spirit then, perhaps we can also imagine that the place where water meets the land is a Spiritual place, a sacred place, just as we are Spiritual, sacred beings.
The more rigid and defined my boundaries are, the less likely they are to be adhered to or respected. The more fluid they are, the more I find them to be less offensive and more accepted.
It can be with my son, my ex, a co-worker or a friend, and the spiritual truth I discover is one of understanding & playfulness when my boundaries are like waves on the shore. I find it can be a spiritual feeding ground for the wildlife of my life. Rich with nutrients and vitality, littered with toxic baggage, and and generally a place of commerce for my spiritual vendors and shoppers.
Why do I resist this fluidity and grace in my decision making? Why do I resist the feeling of letting go and letting God?
I have an intense urge to control outcomes, I have high expectations and I am fearful of losing something I have. But, now I ask myself, "am I really ever in control? Do these high expectations serve me well? Do I ever really 'have' anything that I can lose?". If I can lose it, is it really mine in the first place?
Floating aimlessly in the sea of Spirit, or waiting shyly from the shore of Ego we can misplace a lifetime. A rigid line does no more good than no line at all. And that can be the most creative tool to employ: defining the line moment by moment, means creating a life lived fully in the Now. Whereas, that rigid line set one moment in time has long since lost its precedence the moment it has been drawn.
The older I get, the more I see that life is less about delineation of territories and more about busting down boundaries. Letting in the litter of life, the wildlife, the waves, the strangeness and the new, enlivens us, enriches us and most importantly expresses the Universal Oneness, Beauty, Truth, and Power that we are, as we are.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Bitch
Even though I had a great week, I had a hard day. I almost hate the world today. I feel like a Bitch when I say that. Tonight I cried. I was a little relieved to do so. I am so confused. On one hand I am livid and on the other I am hurt like a child. I guess I'm a little bit of everything all mixed up. Raw. I am sure that life is moving on without me and that is infuriating. Why isn’t everyone else paying attention to me and what I want or need?
I looked up Meredith Brooks’ lyrics for her song, “Bitch” because right now, I feel like it fully explains how I feel.
The chorus goes: “I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, and I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between. You know you wouldn't want it any other way.”
I spoke of the Coyote the last blog. Funny how we can immediately manifest our worst nightmares. So, it already happened. The feelings of unworthiness, falling for the same fucking trap, and then the self deprecation afterwards. Am I always destined to be the Coyote? Can I meditate myself into a new totem animal? If I go to a sweat lodge will things be different? If I do a 3 day fast on the mountain will my soul switch over from consistently insecure to somehow miraculously centered? Do I have to learn to live with what I have?
Meredith sings, “So take me as I am. This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man. Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous, And I'm going to extremes: Tomorrow I will change, And today won't mean a thing. Just when you think you've got me figured out, The season's already changing. I think it's cool you do what you do And don't try to save me.” Way to go girlfriend.
I want to say these things and believe it but the truth is that I am still a hurt, jealous, insecure, little girl deep down inside. When the shit-storm rains down, I am out there, crying, without an umbrella.
And today it hit me. I so wanted to play the victim. I wanted to blame the other person for how I felt. And then I realized, that it was my own reaction to what was happening that was really the only thing under my control. I am the one that feels hurts, less-than and unlovable. And I ask myself, “is this 100% true?” and the answer is quite honestly, “NO! Maybe even HELL NO!”
As much as my Ego wants to beat me up these days, my true self has been showing up and kicking some serious psychological butt! I am proud to report, that even though I fell for the same old bull shit that Wild E Coyote always falls for, I realized it upon entering the trap and went in anyways just out of curiosity. And frankly, the hurt isn’t as bad as I thought it might be. I am learning to handle the little disappointments a lot better. Things are no longer as dramatic as they once were.
Lesson learned: just freaking chill out. Shit happens and sometimes it hurts but that by no means that you are less than or somehow fucked up. Always, Always, Always remember WHO YOU ARE. Because you are amazing just as you are. And so it is.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Roadrunner, Coyote and Peanut Butter
So after a year and a half of weekly counseling and countless hours participating in spiritual development classes at my church, I came to the realization the other day, that, if hit with something big, like, say, a relationship, I’d F_#k it up all over again. Why do I say this? Because the truth is, that no matter how much I practice mindfulness and no matter how many times I correct myself when I say hateful, hurtful things to my inner child, I am still ruled by the Ego and my Ego really doesn’t like me at all. It’s like my Ego is a Fashionista and wants to judge me for my outfit even though, the outfit is my skin and that isn’t really something I can crawl out of…
It was a brilliant conversation. One about how far I’ve come; how good I feel. Life was going so good. And I made an innocent comment about how there was this person I am interested in romantically. And then I incoherently hemmed and hawed about how I wouldn’t pursue it because…. I’d be rejected or eventually we’d fall into the trap of unhappiness and control I see so typical of other people’s relationships, or because he was too this and I was too that. I was already planning the breakup and I hadn’t even gotten to know if the person likes peanut butter or preferred cashew butter instead.
It got me to thinking about just how often I do close the door to possibility based on my fears. How often do I let my Ego’s Jackal intimidate me, distract me, and otherwise lead me astray?
So, what is the deal with my Ego anyway? What beef does she have with me?
Well, first off, she’s confused, big time. If things are NOT chaotic and sort of unnerving, she doesn’t really know what to do. She WANTS to create drama and exert stress. And as far as I can see it’s only to remain in the comfortable nature for which has become the norm for her. Since birth I’ve been left with the understanding that I am not good enough to just be. I was always left to assume what I was up because no one actually was present enough with me to guide me in a greater truth. And it is certainly not their fault! Everyone else, in short, was being directed by their own Ego Jackals.
When I look up “low self esteem” or “inferiority complex” on Google, one definition catches my attention on Wikipedia.
An inferiority complex, often used to mean low self-esteem, is a feeling of intense insecurity, inferiority or of not measuring up. An inferiority complex can be seen in the negative or "useless" reactions to problems in life. These reactions are useless because they do not solve the problem at hand, but only serve to guard one's self-esteem by avoiding the task or by placing the blame for the failure outside of the individual's control. Although the inferiority complex may be seen as comparing individuals or groups as one being superior to another, it more closely describes how one deals with a fear of failure.
My mother the other day said to me, “Jill, you are so gorgeous. Have you been working out?” and I explained that I had been and that I do, in fact, feel amazing right now. The sadness and fear associated with last year has clearly made way for brighter days. She then said, “well, don’t F_#k it up! Jesus! This is precisely the point where you make a major mistake.” And she is right. I am not hurt by what she said.
A while ago, I researched animal totems. And the Coyote seemed to call to me because, while smart and cunning, the Coyote falls easily for the same gig over and over again. Think Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. Yes, I am imaginative and resourceful but man, the freakin’ bird gets me every time. If you think about it, the entire premise for the cartoon was that regardless of what contraption Coyote could configure, he wasn’t self aware enough to see the simplicity of the Roadrunner’s solution to every gig he threw at him. And of course, we were left to believe that somehow, it was Roadrunner’s fault, perhaps in a devious and malicious way for which Coyote always ended up under a pile of rubble in the bottom of a canyon. But the truth is Wile E. Coyote was certainly a product of his own Ego, forced by his inferiority complex, he routinely put himself into challenging, drama-prone situations, to remain in his comfort zone. The problem solver. But, if he would just take one step back and look, perhaps he’d figure out that he was the problem-maker.
So, as my dear friend Pamela once told me, to sit in the uncomfortable silence of what is, I wiggle and struggle with it like a toddler in a Sunday best suit. If I could just rip it all off and run naked through the green grass I’d feel so free but it sticks with me like peanut butter on the roof of a dog’s mouth. That darn Ego Jackal is my Coyote Animal Totem and I’ve not quite figured out the buttons yet. There’s got to be a way to shed this suit for something with less of a complex.
Is it really as guileless if you stop to engage and simply just be with what is? It wouldn’t be much of a story….the Roadrunner and Coyote cartoon would it? If, instead of trying to outwit each other they, instead sat down and just talked, would it be as fun to watch? But, maybe the story isn’t the dramatic part. Or at least, for our own sanity, maybe the boring stuff is worth savoring. It’s like Russell from the kid’s movie UP said, “sometimes it’s the boring stuff that I remember most”.
My Ego Jackal is as afraid of becoming as irrelevant to me as I am afraid of being rejected by some cute boy. So, maybe, I could simply say hi and see where it goes? What do you think? The image just came to me of the dog licking the peanut butter. How in the present dogs are. They don’t worry about whether or not they slobber. They just lick and lick and lick until it’s all gone.
It got me to thinking about just how often I do close the door to possibility based on my fears. How often do I let my Ego’s Jackal intimidate me, distract me, and otherwise lead me astray?
So, what is the deal with my Ego anyway? What beef does she have with me?
Well, first off, she’s confused, big time. If things are NOT chaotic and sort of unnerving, she doesn’t really know what to do. She WANTS to create drama and exert stress. And as far as I can see it’s only to remain in the comfortable nature for which has become the norm for her. Since birth I’ve been left with the understanding that I am not good enough to just be. I was always left to assume what I was up because no one actually was present enough with me to guide me in a greater truth. And it is certainly not their fault! Everyone else, in short, was being directed by their own Ego Jackals.
When I look up “low self esteem” or “inferiority complex” on Google, one definition catches my attention on Wikipedia.
An inferiority complex, often used to mean low self-esteem, is a feeling of intense insecurity, inferiority or of not measuring up. An inferiority complex can be seen in the negative or "useless" reactions to problems in life. These reactions are useless because they do not solve the problem at hand, but only serve to guard one's self-esteem by avoiding the task or by placing the blame for the failure outside of the individual's control. Although the inferiority complex may be seen as comparing individuals or groups as one being superior to another, it more closely describes how one deals with a fear of failure.
My mother the other day said to me, “Jill, you are so gorgeous. Have you been working out?” and I explained that I had been and that I do, in fact, feel amazing right now. The sadness and fear associated with last year has clearly made way for brighter days. She then said, “well, don’t F_#k it up! Jesus! This is precisely the point where you make a major mistake.” And she is right. I am not hurt by what she said.
So, as my dear friend Pamela once told me, to sit in the uncomfortable silence of what is, I wiggle and struggle with it like a toddler in a Sunday best suit. If I could just rip it all off and run naked through the green grass I’d feel so free but it sticks with me like peanut butter on the roof of a dog’s mouth. That darn Ego Jackal is my Coyote Animal Totem and I’ve not quite figured out the buttons yet. There’s got to be a way to shed this suit for something with less of a complex.
Is it really as guileless if you stop to engage and simply just be with what is? It wouldn’t be much of a story….the Roadrunner and Coyote cartoon would it? If, instead of trying to outwit each other they, instead sat down and just talked, would it be as fun to watch? But, maybe the story isn’t the dramatic part. Or at least, for our own sanity, maybe the boring stuff is worth savoring. It’s like Russell from the kid’s movie UP said, “sometimes it’s the boring stuff that I remember most”.
My Ego Jackal is as afraid of becoming as irrelevant to me as I am afraid of being rejected by some cute boy. So, maybe, I could simply say hi and see where it goes? What do you think? The image just came to me of the dog licking the peanut butter. How in the present dogs are. They don’t worry about whether or not they slobber. They just lick and lick and lick until it’s all gone.
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