We talked up all night and came to no conclusion
We started a fight that ended in silent confusion
And as we sat stuck you could hear the trash truck
Making its way through the neighborhood
Picking up the thrown outs
Different from house to house
We get to decide what we think is no good
We're sculpted from youth
The chipping away makes me weary
And as for the truth it seems like we just pick a theory
The one that justifies our daily lives
And backs us with quiver and arrows
To protect openings
Cause when the warring begins
How quickly the wide open narrows
Into the smallness of our deconstruction of love
We thought it was changing, but it never was
It's just the same as it ever was
A family of foxes came to my yard and dug in
I looked in a book to see what this could possibly mean
Cause there is fate in the breeze and signs in the trees
Possible tragic events
When forces collide with the damage strewn wide
And holes blasted straight through the fence
The sky starts to crash the rain on the roof starts to drumming
And laid out like cash your take on my list of shortcomings
The show starts to close, I know how this goes
The plot a predictable showing
And though it seems grand it's just one speck of sand
And back to the hourglass we're going
Back to the smallness of our deconstruction of love
We thought it was changing, but it never was
Our deconstruction of love
Monday, August 26, 2013
Lonely, Alone with Me.
The other day I was fixing something on our bike. I say our bike, because Ziggy and I ride this sort of tandem bike; where a little tyke bike is attached to my big person bike. As I was turning this screw, I negligently pinched my pinky finger and it hurt real bad. I screamed (amazingly enough I refrained from explicative’s) and I ran into the house moaning. Ziggy followed me, all concerned and as I was applying ice and cool water I began to cry. Sob really. And without really thinking I cried out, “this is why I want a partner!! I am so tired of doing this all by myself! I want help!!!” The tears streamed down my face and this sort of deep sorrow welled up from inside. And I looked at Ziggy, startled and I realized that no one was coming to save me. No one was going to help me. It was just me. And him. It was us. And that is the way that it is. How long it will be like this, I don’t know. But it is this way now and there isn’t anything I can do to magically to change it. I must accept this reality. And it was then that I realized just how desperately I’ve been seeking a partner. I haven’t been seeing my real reality at all.
I mean for a long while there I thought that if I did my hair a certain way, or if I dressed a certain way or if I lost weight or if I did just this or just that, that I’d meet him. The “guy”. And I know that there isn’t really any “guy” at all. I mean, sure, of course, I’ve got to remain positive and believe that he exists some place out there in some other plane, some extended version of my truth. But he isn’t HERE. NOW. I am alone. Siddhartha (one of my favorite books, thank you Johnny) explained that when someone seeks, it often happens that his eye only sees the thing that he seeks. He sees nothing and takes in nothing because he sees only what he seeks. Seeking means having a goal. But finding means being free. Huh... find???
I walked to the beach last night. I’ve been sort of sad lately as this realization has been sinking in. As I walked, I cried and I thought about my life. Am I having a mid-life crisis, really? I mean, am I really doing that thing that 40-somethings supposedly do when they realize that close to half of their life is nearly over? Am I assessing my life for value and substance? Scrutinizing my friends and acquaintances with a bit of spicy envy? Comparing myself to others? Judging my experience based upon the latest Comso or People Magazine spotlight on every day lives of the rich and famous? Am I really doing this? Really?
Yes I am.
You see, I am not like most people. And sure, I know you are saying, well, we all are unique in our own way. But seriously, when I look around at others in my immediate circle I see people with family living relatively nearby. I see extended families who go out of their way to help each other. I see best friends from high school arranging play dates for their children. I see college sweethearts, heck, high school sweethearts pawing each other in the grocery store. I see good friends who’ve known each other for a long time. I don’t have any of that around me. I am completely alone. And to no fault of anyone but myself. I created this reality. Through a series of calculated and innocent acts of defiance I have virtually made myself completely isolated. The only exception is Ziggy and well, he's not even with me full time.
I have memories of me, being awakened in the middle of the night, sobbing in the corner of my dormitory hallway by some floor mate frustrated with the incessant noise. What was I doing? Crying because I was lonely. What about the time I skinny dipped by moonlight at Moon Dunes Beach in Lake Tahoe, alone? Or the time I camped out in a thunderous hail storm in the Sierras, again alone. No, that time I was with a friends dog, Allagash. Maybe it was my 30th birthday when I camped out in the woods near Lake Tahoe and burnt all my old journals. Or the time I went to Eastern Europe, alone. Or the summer I spent on a survey crew in West Virginia where we lived in an old farmhouse with no running water or electricity and during the day I’d be totally alone for hours under the ancient wild cherry trees of Otter Creek Wilderness, high as a kite wondering what in God's name was the name of our crew leader. Or in Argentina, a city of 13 million, again, alone. Maybe it was the time I took a road trip across 10 western states, alone. Or when I’d go to music festivals, with a bunch of people, but they’d find me, hours later, tripping out, dancing, alone.
Are we seeing a pattern here? I have learned that patterns are inherent realities of nature. They cannot be altered from their organic state, but they can be modified or disturbed in tendency and form. Their substance remains intact. Am I product of my patterns of behavior or am I a pattern in and of itself? Was I sent here to learn the life of living in such a disturbing pattern or was I here to disturb this pattern that was set in motion?
And you know the worst part? People have tried to befriend me, members of the church invite me to all kinds of events and parties and even just to hang out and what do I do? I defer, I delay, or I discount the invitation as bullshit. Why? I will let you answer that because I think I am too ashamed to write down what I really feel.
The truth is I am 40 now and I am realizing that I have made choices and gone down certain roads in my life that have led me to these consequences. I see that I have traveled far from my path of origin and those experiences, certainly have made me who I am today, but have left me far from my home. I am uncertain how I will ever find my way back again.
Again, Siddhartha said, “we are not going in circles, we are going upwards. The path is a spiral and we have climbed many steps.”
So, for those of you who read my blog and then actually see me in person, please don’t mention this blog. Don’t apologetically invite me over for tea. Don’t try and take me in like a lost stray cat. I hate cats. This is a cathartic experience. Putting it all on paper and then releasing it off into the Universe. For me, writing is sacred. Just let me be. Let me sit with this for a spell. Let’s see what I find.
I mean for a long while there I thought that if I did my hair a certain way, or if I dressed a certain way or if I lost weight or if I did just this or just that, that I’d meet him. The “guy”. And I know that there isn’t really any “guy” at all. I mean, sure, of course, I’ve got to remain positive and believe that he exists some place out there in some other plane, some extended version of my truth. But he isn’t HERE. NOW. I am alone. Siddhartha (one of my favorite books, thank you Johnny) explained that when someone seeks, it often happens that his eye only sees the thing that he seeks. He sees nothing and takes in nothing because he sees only what he seeks. Seeking means having a goal. But finding means being free. Huh... find???
I walked to the beach last night. I’ve been sort of sad lately as this realization has been sinking in. As I walked, I cried and I thought about my life. Am I having a mid-life crisis, really? I mean, am I really doing that thing that 40-somethings supposedly do when they realize that close to half of their life is nearly over? Am I assessing my life for value and substance? Scrutinizing my friends and acquaintances with a bit of spicy envy? Comparing myself to others? Judging my experience based upon the latest Comso or People Magazine spotlight on every day lives of the rich and famous? Am I really doing this? Really?
Yes I am.
You see, I am not like most people. And sure, I know you are saying, well, we all are unique in our own way. But seriously, when I look around at others in my immediate circle I see people with family living relatively nearby. I see extended families who go out of their way to help each other. I see best friends from high school arranging play dates for their children. I see college sweethearts, heck, high school sweethearts pawing each other in the grocery store. I see good friends who’ve known each other for a long time. I don’t have any of that around me. I am completely alone. And to no fault of anyone but myself. I created this reality. Through a series of calculated and innocent acts of defiance I have virtually made myself completely isolated. The only exception is Ziggy and well, he's not even with me full time.
I have memories of me, being awakened in the middle of the night, sobbing in the corner of my dormitory hallway by some floor mate frustrated with the incessant noise. What was I doing? Crying because I was lonely. What about the time I skinny dipped by moonlight at Moon Dunes Beach in Lake Tahoe, alone? Or the time I camped out in a thunderous hail storm in the Sierras, again alone. No, that time I was with a friends dog, Allagash. Maybe it was my 30th birthday when I camped out in the woods near Lake Tahoe and burnt all my old journals. Or the time I went to Eastern Europe, alone. Or the summer I spent on a survey crew in West Virginia where we lived in an old farmhouse with no running water or electricity and during the day I’d be totally alone for hours under the ancient wild cherry trees of Otter Creek Wilderness, high as a kite wondering what in God's name was the name of our crew leader. Or in Argentina, a city of 13 million, again, alone. Maybe it was the time I took a road trip across 10 western states, alone. Or when I’d go to music festivals, with a bunch of people, but they’d find me, hours later, tripping out, dancing, alone.
Are we seeing a pattern here? I have learned that patterns are inherent realities of nature. They cannot be altered from their organic state, but they can be modified or disturbed in tendency and form. Their substance remains intact. Am I product of my patterns of behavior or am I a pattern in and of itself? Was I sent here to learn the life of living in such a disturbing pattern or was I here to disturb this pattern that was set in motion?
And you know the worst part? People have tried to befriend me, members of the church invite me to all kinds of events and parties and even just to hang out and what do I do? I defer, I delay, or I discount the invitation as bullshit. Why? I will let you answer that because I think I am too ashamed to write down what I really feel.
The truth is I am 40 now and I am realizing that I have made choices and gone down certain roads in my life that have led me to these consequences. I see that I have traveled far from my path of origin and those experiences, certainly have made me who I am today, but have left me far from my home. I am uncertain how I will ever find my way back again.
Again, Siddhartha said, “we are not going in circles, we are going upwards. The path is a spiral and we have climbed many steps.”
So, for those of you who read my blog and then actually see me in person, please don’t mention this blog. Don’t apologetically invite me over for tea. Don’t try and take me in like a lost stray cat. I hate cats. This is a cathartic experience. Putting it all on paper and then releasing it off into the Universe. For me, writing is sacred. Just let me be. Let me sit with this for a spell. Let’s see what I find.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Mudifestation
Wow. I am 40. I think I am having the ubiquitous mid-life crisis. As I grow, learn and live I find that the experiences I am faced with are both typical in a global sense and yet independently unique to me. Everyone has experienced loss, disappointment, betrayal, etc. Everyone has had moments of pure ecstasy, unfettered joy, unbridled passion, etc. This is life.
We have the opportunity to choose how we respond to life’s circumstances. We do, but we often fall into the egoist trap of ‘victim mentality’ blaming others and not truly being authentic with our emotional reactions. We lack faith. Faith in the bigger picture.
At this point in my life, you’d think I’d have it all figured out, right? At least, that is what my mind tells me should be happening. It’s a constant barrage of criticisms and judgments for not “having met the right one” or “not having achieved a pinnacle in my career” or “feeling like a failure as a mother”. I spend a lot of time trying to see the truth. And sometimes that intense observation only muddies the view.
In Science of Mind (SOM) they speak a lot about manifestation. If you read definitions, you’d know that to manifest is to “demonstrate” something. It may be an indication or expression of the existence of something happening. If you saw the movie, the Secret, you may believe that simply by believing you can, you will.
These definitions are interesting. Because as a practitioner of SOM, I’d debate the idea of the mind seeing versus the heart feeling. I met someone recently who adamantly expressed his mind-focused view of the world, almost in opposition to my heart-centered view of the same world. Which is correct? I actually enjoy debating the difference between the two and I’d argue the definition is somewhere within the shades of color representing a glimpse of actual truth.
What we don’t know is so much greater than that which we do know. Therefore, how can we possibly limit ourselves with vision boards, prayers for something and petitions for change? Be the change you want to see in the world is not a petition for change, it is quite simply, a declaration of action.
One of my favorite songs of all time, is Round Here by Counting Crows. It starts out like this, “stepped out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white. And in-between the moon and you the angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.”
Why can the angels see the difference and I am so confused? I feel like I’ve stepped out onto the front porch of my life and I am walking like a ghost into the fog. Not knowing where I am going or where I will end up. If I fear and fret about the outcome I only confuse my reality. The total truth is that I’ve just stepped out into the night. That is all. Nothing more, nothing less.
I believe I’ve discovered a new phenomenon. It’s a process of “mudifestation”. I think, that as humans, or as somewhat astute humans who feel as if we’ve got some kind of control over our existence and we try to SEE more than what really IS. And instead of “manifesting” truths we “mudifest” the reality of our existence.
I know I am a lot like Maria in that song. I thought I was close to understanding God. I know I am more than just a little misunderstood and have trouble acting normal when I am nervous. I am, in short, me. A unique totally independent manifestation of the greater whole of existence. There is a fine line between my truth and the whole truth. The dirty water isn’t necessarily an indication of wrong direction. It’s just a place where we are.
Dennis Merritt Jones came to speak at the Center maybe a year ago and he spoke of this parable of a tiny civilization who lived in a stream of flowing water. They clung to the rocks, and sticks and leaves, whatever they could and held on with all their might. Strife was their existence. But what else was there? They couldn’t let go!? But one finally, out of sheer exhaustion did finally let go. At first it was terrified and regretful that it had “died” but the others, as it passed by saw it as a messiah and believe that it had become enlightened. So, who knows what we are doing here… each of us on our own journey. Sometimes lost. Sometimes trapped. Sometimes floating by in the messiness of the muddy waters of life.
Lost in the mystery of mudifestation I sleep tonight and pray, on this beautiful full moon that when I wake and step out into the new day I will be grateful for where I am, who I am and what shows up in my life.
We have the opportunity to choose how we respond to life’s circumstances. We do, but we often fall into the egoist trap of ‘victim mentality’ blaming others and not truly being authentic with our emotional reactions. We lack faith. Faith in the bigger picture.
At this point in my life, you’d think I’d have it all figured out, right? At least, that is what my mind tells me should be happening. It’s a constant barrage of criticisms and judgments for not “having met the right one” or “not having achieved a pinnacle in my career” or “feeling like a failure as a mother”. I spend a lot of time trying to see the truth. And sometimes that intense observation only muddies the view.
In Science of Mind (SOM) they speak a lot about manifestation. If you read definitions, you’d know that to manifest is to “demonstrate” something. It may be an indication or expression of the existence of something happening. If you saw the movie, the Secret, you may believe that simply by believing you can, you will.
These definitions are interesting. Because as a practitioner of SOM, I’d debate the idea of the mind seeing versus the heart feeling. I met someone recently who adamantly expressed his mind-focused view of the world, almost in opposition to my heart-centered view of the same world. Which is correct? I actually enjoy debating the difference between the two and I’d argue the definition is somewhere within the shades of color representing a glimpse of actual truth.
What we don’t know is so much greater than that which we do know. Therefore, how can we possibly limit ourselves with vision boards, prayers for something and petitions for change? Be the change you want to see in the world is not a petition for change, it is quite simply, a declaration of action.
One of my favorite songs of all time, is Round Here by Counting Crows. It starts out like this, “stepped out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white. And in-between the moon and you the angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.”
Why can the angels see the difference and I am so confused? I feel like I’ve stepped out onto the front porch of my life and I am walking like a ghost into the fog. Not knowing where I am going or where I will end up. If I fear and fret about the outcome I only confuse my reality. The total truth is that I’ve just stepped out into the night. That is all. Nothing more, nothing less.
I believe I’ve discovered a new phenomenon. It’s a process of “mudifestation”. I think, that as humans, or as somewhat astute humans who feel as if we’ve got some kind of control over our existence and we try to SEE more than what really IS. And instead of “manifesting” truths we “mudifest” the reality of our existence.
I know I am a lot like Maria in that song. I thought I was close to understanding God. I know I am more than just a little misunderstood and have trouble acting normal when I am nervous. I am, in short, me. A unique totally independent manifestation of the greater whole of existence. There is a fine line between my truth and the whole truth. The dirty water isn’t necessarily an indication of wrong direction. It’s just a place where we are.
Dennis Merritt Jones came to speak at the Center maybe a year ago and he spoke of this parable of a tiny civilization who lived in a stream of flowing water. They clung to the rocks, and sticks and leaves, whatever they could and held on with all their might. Strife was their existence. But what else was there? They couldn’t let go!? But one finally, out of sheer exhaustion did finally let go. At first it was terrified and regretful that it had “died” but the others, as it passed by saw it as a messiah and believe that it had become enlightened. So, who knows what we are doing here… each of us on our own journey. Sometimes lost. Sometimes trapped. Sometimes floating by in the messiness of the muddy waters of life.
Lost in the mystery of mudifestation I sleep tonight and pray, on this beautiful full moon that when I wake and step out into the new day I will be grateful for where I am, who I am and what shows up in my life.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Why I Hate Dating
It was the first date I had since I had become single again. I was late. Traffic was bad and I didn't exactly know where to go. I arrived sweaty and frazzled. His profile said he was two years my junior and athletic. What approached me was, in fact, someone who looked like a fat, old, balding version of Mel Gibson. Lesson #1 in online dating: Never agree to dinner. Why? Because it's too long to commit to being with someone who you may very well desire to decapitate. As we began our small talk, ordering our food and drinking wine I began to realize immediately that he was regretting this as much as me. I ordered the linguine with clams. It slopped and slurped all over the place. I chugged down my wine while he made references to his mini mansion in Montecito all the while dissing environmentalists, women, Americans and small children. At one point, when I was offered a Styrofoam container for my left overs and I declined he literally rolled his eyes and sighed painfully aloud. Racing towards my Prius, which only inflamed him further, we said our good byes and I laughed the whole way home.
Finding myself at the age of 40 and single is a surprise to say the least. Dating is not like it was when I was twenty.
Lesson #2: never date anyone with weapons. Oh, and there are so many men in Ventura County who have weapons surprisingly. One of which, pulled a gun on me after my dog took a innocent swat at his ancient, smelly, cat. You see, this is not something that you can really put on your profile, but some, cleverly drop innuendos with pictures of them shooting guns or killing some kind of woodland creature. This is all fine with me; I've never been one to judge a man who can hunt, but one who sport hunts his date over the fate of a feline is someone of a different sorts.
How about the time that the guy shows up in his van and then I realize as he aimlessly rambles on and on that he, in fact, lives in his van because he got kicked out of his last place for selling drugs. Or the one who chose to harvest marijuana instead of walking on the beach together. The marsupial who was insecure about his height. The one who forgot their wallet. Or the guy who showed up to a mid-day bicycle date with a water bottle filled with vodka? Then there was the one who had a small tent (and other things small) and refused to blow his nose as a courtesy and I spent the night making music to his nose whistle.
Lesson #3: the rejection you feel when the cute guys ignore your profile and sweet emails and winks is not an indication of your self worth or date-ability. It is, however, a measure of just how paralyzing the new dating paradigm can make women feel. I think we are honestly seeking a relationship and most of the men on these sites treat it like Craigslist shopping.
The funniest part about it for me is that I've become so much more self confident. It's like I can finally agree that there is nothing wrong with me. With all my flaws and imperfections and inadequacies, I am still pretty fucking amazing.
Lesson #4: love yourself above all else.
Finding myself at the age of 40 and single is a surprise to say the least. Dating is not like it was when I was twenty.
Lesson #2: never date anyone with weapons. Oh, and there are so many men in Ventura County who have weapons surprisingly. One of which, pulled a gun on me after my dog took a innocent swat at his ancient, smelly, cat. You see, this is not something that you can really put on your profile, but some, cleverly drop innuendos with pictures of them shooting guns or killing some kind of woodland creature. This is all fine with me; I've never been one to judge a man who can hunt, but one who sport hunts his date over the fate of a feline is someone of a different sorts.
How about the time that the guy shows up in his van and then I realize as he aimlessly rambles on and on that he, in fact, lives in his van because he got kicked out of his last place for selling drugs. Or the one who chose to harvest marijuana instead of walking on the beach together. The marsupial who was insecure about his height. The one who forgot their wallet. Or the guy who showed up to a mid-day bicycle date with a water bottle filled with vodka? Then there was the one who had a small tent (and other things small) and refused to blow his nose as a courtesy and I spent the night making music to his nose whistle.
Lesson #3: the rejection you feel when the cute guys ignore your profile and sweet emails and winks is not an indication of your self worth or date-ability. It is, however, a measure of just how paralyzing the new dating paradigm can make women feel. I think we are honestly seeking a relationship and most of the men on these sites treat it like Craigslist shopping.
The funniest part about it for me is that I've become so much more self confident. It's like I can finally agree that there is nothing wrong with me. With all my flaws and imperfections and inadequacies, I am still pretty fucking amazing.
Lesson #4: love yourself above all else.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
In the Castle
So I've been reading this book, "Entering the Castle" by Caroline Myss. It's essentially about finding your inner path to God and your Soul's purpose. She refers to it as "contemporary mysticism." It's pretty heavy. Maybe the majority of my followers (what? a whole 10 or so people out there) like to talk spirituality but don't necessarily want to live spirituality. I wasn't quite sure I wanted to either; and when I got into the book further and combined with rich class discussions, I stated to wish I hadn't opened this can of worms.
You see, for me, at least, when I do the "work" as Byron Katie calls it, my life always seems to fall apart. Then, between classes, there is a brief respite of calmness, centeredness, synchronicity and then as soon as I start a new one, boom! the entire world starts exploding all over again.
Have you ever experienced that in your own life? I'd be curious to hear. As far as I had always thought, mystics were these weird, social outcasts that holed up in monasteries or other holy places to connect with God; yet rarely were able to connect with regular human beings. She is offering a way to be a contemporary mystic, where you can live in this world and still retain a fierce connection to God-like principles. Seems a little unattainable to me at first glance.
And I think back on my life and I realize that I've never had a plan. I've not had a lot of guidance. I've been left to "figure it out" all alone. I want to beat myself up for being almost 40 and not yet "achieved the greatness" that I thought I'd have achieved by this point. And when I think about everything I've done, I become a little exhausted; most especially when I think of what yet I have left to do. Caroline says that it's at this point you can, "let your soul have at it. Get your mind out of your soul's way."
When you finally choose to "enter the Castle" as she likes to use as a metaphor for her specific set of exercises and meditations; your have a hightened sense of awareness, indicating the "divine has entered your Castle." And then, from personal experience, watch out!
For instance, "the Divine may manifest in your life in a series of challenges meant to wake you up from thinking that you control your world and everyone in it. Or perhaps God send you something to endure that seems to have no purpose, no meaning, and is, at least from your perspective, completely undeserved. You will ask yourself, "Why me? What have I done to deserve this? Why do I have to endure this? What is the reason?" This mystery may make you struggle to explain what you perceive as an injustice until you accept what God has chose for you."
Aha! I always knew that sneaky critter called God was up to no good in my life!! I knew he was out to get me from day one! Here is proof! {so says the Ego mind....}
One of the first things that comes to my mind is that in order for humans to explain our situation, we must use words. Words are only symbols that represent emotions and experiences that are soooo freakin old! How can I define my feelings in words?
Well then, how can one explain what is happening to them?
Laughter is one good example. With humor, we engage a more primitive part of our being and therefore, theoretically can bypass the Ego mind, perhaps.
Love is another. When we engage our heart-center and truly act, without fear from this sacred place, we are free from other influences which inhibit truth and grace. Love, above all is the gift of oneself.
Finally, time and space. When I am able to just be free from commitments and away from the influences of friends, even though, they are helpful at some times, I feel as though I am free from all burdens. As I sit in meditation, I realize the humility and grace I have for "God" {or that higher spiritual order to whom you may relate. You don't have to call it God, it can be referred to by many names, but it's the Greater Energy Force beyond and behind Everything.} Humility is a bitter pill to swallow. But, like most medications, the affect last long after the immediate discomfort.
I have no idea if what I've written tonight is of any value. For me, however, the act of writing it was immediately rewarding. The idea that maybe one person caught a glimmer from what I wrote is satisfying beyond measure.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Broken Heart
I recently had an experience where someone whom I trusted and opened up to totally deceived me and then abandoned me. It wasn't easy to take. My EGO is furious. My EGO wants revenge. My EGO wants to cry all the time. My heart feels soft and wounded. I am scared to ever try and open up again for fear of being hurt again. It seems that I repeatedly fall into the same trap over and over again. See Coyote post.
What sets this experience apart from others is this: he was both the "safe, adoring suitor" and the "possible rejection". For most of my life I've had a lot of the "either-or". When I was young, I mostly had a lot of dangerous, risk, rejection, abandoning, ridiculing, you name it.... people were not always that nice to me when I was young. As far as I can remember, the only person I could trust was my big brother.
As I grew older I experienced a lot of safe love, but love that was deceptively safe. They'd be there alright, but somehow withhold their affection, reject me for some flaw or hold me accountable to some mysterious standard that they even had hard times defending. My big brother was long gone at this point, with his own adult life. I was alone.
When I met my son's father, I had felt I had had enough of the games, the ridicule, the rejection.... I was ready for a commitment. He seemed utterly desperate for stability. I thought I could provide it.
Needless to say, that didn't work out very well.
As I try and wrap my mind around what happened to me in this latest love debacle, my heart keeps screaming, "Jill!!! Wake up!! Don't you see that YOU are the key to your own happiness???" Sure. I see it. But, still, it would be really nice to share this happiness with someone that I loved and respected and that loved and respected me.
I see so many people in unhappy relationships. I see so many odd couples. I see my ex-husband, who, by many standards is challenging and is in a year-long relationship. Who is this woman to put up with his aloofness? The chaos? His self-centered-ness? Is she really that self-aware that she can handle it? OMGS!? When I say that I feel like a total loser and that I will never find someone to love me.
I really struggle with this self-love stuff. I mean, honestly, I take good care of my self, I am pretty, athletic and I am hygienic. I am an awesome mother. I am better off than a great deal more of the population I see on a day to day basis, yet I struggle to find someone to treat me with respect.
Do I deserve this? Am I destined to live this out for my entire conscious life this round? When will I find solace in being me? And when will others see the same? Is this my angelic story, as Neal Donald Walsh would suggest?
The weird part is that I was feeling a lot of self love at the time this man appeared into my life. I was being totally honest with myself and I didn't yearn for love and poof! this guy appears from nowhere and pursues me hard. I was 'going with the flow of the Universe', trusting in the goodness I had wanted.... He said things I had longed to hear. He did things I dreamed of doing for so long. I thought I no longer had it in me.... yet he awakened something in me I thought I had lost. Then, as quickly as he appeared, he disappeared. My soul seems to have been awakened from a long sleep and is a little groggy and isn't quite aware of what is going on. Now, the absence of the admiration seems to indicate that it never happened in the first place. The not knowing seems harder to handle.
Maybe it was only a dream. Maybe I should look at it as if it were only a dream?
The sense of urgency to "find someone" before I am too old seems to override the sensible idea of being happy with what I have. I then fear that I will lose what I have because I am so focused otherwise. All this self awareness seems to only confuse my life rather than infuse it. I wish I were ignorant, simple-minded and small. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt as much.
I heard Indigo Girls sing once, that that "we are sculpted from youth, the chipping away makes me weary. And as for the truth, seems like we just pick a theory..." And I guess I thought I was changing myself with all of this self help stuff, but I think I am the same as I ever was. Makes me think that I can't possibly surrender to the nature of it all. Maybe I need to finally decide to let events occur without my involvement or influence and surrender to some kind of "Joan of Arc" experience. Are those even available in this day and age? And if so, do I really want that?
This idea of surrendering to a higher power seem to sound like defeat. Maybe it's grace. I am not sure. But, honestly, I have not much fight left in me. Today, I feel like sharing that I am lost and confused. I am sad and angry. I am falling apart. And I am ok with it. Because I have no other choice. You know, it hit me as I was writing this; I am not going to change. No one changes. It's rather our perception of the world that changes. And that, somehow, in some small, quiet space inside of me, is reassuring.
And that makes me remember the either-or thing.... one instructor recently said that Ego believes in Either-Or while Spirit believes in And-Both. I like that sort of thinking. So, while for now I feel like I am stuck with either being alone and happy or with someone and sad; maybe Spirit is awakening me to a new reality of being in love with myself and being wholly loved as myself too!
What sets this experience apart from others is this: he was both the "safe, adoring suitor" and the "possible rejection". For most of my life I've had a lot of the "either-or". When I was young, I mostly had a lot of dangerous, risk, rejection, abandoning, ridiculing, you name it.... people were not always that nice to me when I was young. As far as I can remember, the only person I could trust was my big brother.
As I grew older I experienced a lot of safe love, but love that was deceptively safe. They'd be there alright, but somehow withhold their affection, reject me for some flaw or hold me accountable to some mysterious standard that they even had hard times defending. My big brother was long gone at this point, with his own adult life. I was alone.
When I met my son's father, I had felt I had had enough of the games, the ridicule, the rejection.... I was ready for a commitment. He seemed utterly desperate for stability. I thought I could provide it.
Needless to say, that didn't work out very well.
As I try and wrap my mind around what happened to me in this latest love debacle, my heart keeps screaming, "Jill!!! Wake up!! Don't you see that YOU are the key to your own happiness???" Sure. I see it. But, still, it would be really nice to share this happiness with someone that I loved and respected and that loved and respected me.
I see so many people in unhappy relationships. I see so many odd couples. I see my ex-husband, who, by many standards is challenging and is in a year-long relationship. Who is this woman to put up with his aloofness? The chaos? His self-centered-ness? Is she really that self-aware that she can handle it? OMGS!? When I say that I feel like a total loser and that I will never find someone to love me.
I really struggle with this self-love stuff. I mean, honestly, I take good care of my self, I am pretty, athletic and I am hygienic. I am an awesome mother. I am better off than a great deal more of the population I see on a day to day basis, yet I struggle to find someone to treat me with respect.
Do I deserve this? Am I destined to live this out for my entire conscious life this round? When will I find solace in being me? And when will others see the same? Is this my angelic story, as Neal Donald Walsh would suggest?
The weird part is that I was feeling a lot of self love at the time this man appeared into my life. I was being totally honest with myself and I didn't yearn for love and poof! this guy appears from nowhere and pursues me hard. I was 'going with the flow of the Universe', trusting in the goodness I had wanted.... He said things I had longed to hear. He did things I dreamed of doing for so long. I thought I no longer had it in me.... yet he awakened something in me I thought I had lost. Then, as quickly as he appeared, he disappeared. My soul seems to have been awakened from a long sleep and is a little groggy and isn't quite aware of what is going on. Now, the absence of the admiration seems to indicate that it never happened in the first place. The not knowing seems harder to handle.
Maybe it was only a dream. Maybe I should look at it as if it were only a dream?
The sense of urgency to "find someone" before I am too old seems to override the sensible idea of being happy with what I have. I then fear that I will lose what I have because I am so focused otherwise. All this self awareness seems to only confuse my life rather than infuse it. I wish I were ignorant, simple-minded and small. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt as much.
I heard Indigo Girls sing once, that that "we are sculpted from youth, the chipping away makes me weary. And as for the truth, seems like we just pick a theory..." And I guess I thought I was changing myself with all of this self help stuff, but I think I am the same as I ever was. Makes me think that I can't possibly surrender to the nature of it all. Maybe I need to finally decide to let events occur without my involvement or influence and surrender to some kind of "Joan of Arc" experience. Are those even available in this day and age? And if so, do I really want that?
This idea of surrendering to a higher power seem to sound like defeat. Maybe it's grace. I am not sure. But, honestly, I have not much fight left in me. Today, I feel like sharing that I am lost and confused. I am sad and angry. I am falling apart. And I am ok with it. Because I have no other choice. You know, it hit me as I was writing this; I am not going to change. No one changes. It's rather our perception of the world that changes. And that, somehow, in some small, quiet space inside of me, is reassuring.
And that makes me remember the either-or thing.... one instructor recently said that Ego believes in Either-Or while Spirit believes in And-Both. I like that sort of thinking. So, while for now I feel like I am stuck with either being alone and happy or with someone and sad; maybe Spirit is awakening me to a new reality of being in love with myself and being wholly loved as myself too!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Roots Final Conclusions
I have been humbled in a recent life event that has left me questioning, why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? How did I manifest this? And it’s got me kind of fearful to even think at all because I am terrified of what will happen next. During the last ten weeks I’ve been faced with a few chaotic occurrences which leave me questioning my faith. I read or heard somewhere recently that chaos heralds major shifts or changes. I remain fearful insomuch that such change will fail to result in “goodness” rather than more struggle. It’s like I’m ducking and hunching over in fear, aching with expectation of more bludgeoning, more loss, more rejection, more abandonment, more stress. I’ve lost sight of reality. The shadows on the wall appear grotesquely huge, inhuman and otherworldly. I am surely suffering a panic attack because the Ego lost out over what it so desired. My vanity is exposed. My vulnerable soft-under belly is sore and calloused with past hurts. My story repetitiously replays in my head, numbing any sensation of truth. Where do I go from here?
Onward. Into my Castle. For here in this worldly realm, our greatest challenge lies in accepting that there is no evil, no matter, no absence of life, substance or intelligence. There is nothing to hate. There is no sin, sickness or death. Undressing in the deep chambers of my Soul, I become humbled and humiliated in my vanity. All there is for me to see and know is the truth that I certainly do not know anything other than “knowing all things and doing all things, I am independent of all things. I am absolutely free.” I am the observer of that which I am and yet, I experience and embody this moment fully in my being. Choosing to suffer and replay old tragedies does me no good other than to keep me mired in self-pity and self righteousness. This is not spirituality. This is narcissism.
I find it illuminating how close self-awareness and spirituality come towards the edge of narcissism. One quick slip of the wrist, the thought, the mind, the heart and poof! You have gone off the map of your good into the choppy waters of self-indulgent thinking that can overpower the ideas of unity and oneness and become a vicious vice for addiction and self-deprecation.
So, I believe I can say with purity of spirit, that I understand I cannot will outcomes on the “patient nor against evil, nor for Good. I may only tell the truth about God. The Truth is its own will.” Surrendering to the power and presence of God within and all around me is a humbling experience. One that my Ego certainly resists with great fervor. My imperfection is my perfection. My humanness is my innocence. My struggle is my freedom (when I finally lay down my arms and bear witness to the fact that it is I that I am fighting).
So, yearning for possessions, for romance, for peace, for truth, for understanding, for partnership, recognition, safety, love; these are all things that I can find inside of my soul. As Rumi said, “Friend, our closeness is this. Anywhere you put your foot feel me in the firmness under you. How is it with this love, I see your world and not you?” Seeing passed the yearnings and looking beyond the veil, the truth lies in wait. Do I have the courage to claim it?
Dolly Parton said, "Storms make trees take stronger roots." I remember in one class I used the analogy of a tree in our discussion to make a case that trees don't fret about when to flush their leaves or when to bloom. They just do it. And as I weather the storms of life, I seek to find an equilibrium where the highs and lows, the light and the dark, the high winds and the calm silence become my norm.
I have these words floating around my head: vanity, vulnerability and rejection and I find it appealing that each definition brings me closer to the shift that was inevitable to unfold. Vanity's definition starts with excessive pride and ends with worthlessness. Vulnerability is defined as being susceptible to physical or emotional injury. And finally, rejection is the turning away from... and I just find pure irony in that in order to heal the pain I feel, I must turn away from that which isn't the truth.
As I move forward on my journey, I recognize my divinity. I realize my truth. I accept this truth as the truth of ALL. I am grateful for my life. I surrender these words to the magical, mystery of the LAW. And so it is.
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