The I of the Storm ~ Embracing Conflict, Creating Peace

I recently experienced the gift of attending a class at the Ventura Center for Spiritual Living called The I of the Storm.  It's based upon a book written by Gary Simmons.  The basic premise is like that of many personal development philosophies: change your thoughts, change your life.  In the book, there is of course, many a case study on the manner in which the tools (I encourage you to purchase the book for more detailed information on the tools) are applied.  I especially enjoyed how Reverend Bonnie Rose was able to draw out class members into a logical, yet hilarious discovery of what is.  And that, my friends, is tonight's topic.

Many of you may be aware that I recently survived a bit of trauma.  I mean, at the time I was experiencing it, to me, it was a horrifying and life debilitating/all-consuming hell. But now, I do see how, being a survivor of domestic violence, is for me.  How, in some miraculous way, it helped me remember who I am.  My authentic self, as a religious scientist may prefer to describe it, actually leads to conscious doing and that is in some blessed way, an expression of God.  And, oh shit, I don't mean, like freaky, Jesus saved my soul, kind of God.  Or Armageddon gonna kill us all kind of God.  But more of a gentler, approachable God (or Goddess if you so choose) who really, in all aspects is expressed through you and your behaviors and beliefs.  Isn't that amazing?

Anyway, Gary Simmons said that when we don't speak the truth we are being in the way of God.  It's a strategy most of us learned as children because we've been raised to blend in.  We found that by meeting other people's needs first and forgetting our own, we somehow "fit in" better.  But when we do that, we diminish ourselves for the sake of other's comfort, we lose the very connection to God/Goddess.  And, that's quite frankly, when the shit often hits the fan.  Or, in my case, it wasn't shit, but a bicycle being launched at me by a 6'5", 210 lb angry man. 

So, as a part of this course, we were supposed to present what we had gotten out of the 10 weeks we had been together; meeting after work, after life, on Thursday evenings, sharing, crying, laughing....  Reverend Bonnie had asked us to bring something that we could share that would represent our change, our growth, our discovery.  And me, being me, as I am, without plan and/or often any real concentration in the minor details of life, showed up to class without anything.  But, that, my friends, was part of God's way of acting through me.

As I allowed God/Goddess to center inside of me, I became calm and totally connected with myself, my inner being.  And I knew exactly what I had brought that was of significance:  Myself.  So, when it came time to share my knowledge with the class, I am super proud to say that I stood up and roughly said this:

First off, I started with a breath.  In....and out....  "That was the first thing I regained from this class.  Focus on Breath.  The second thing I discovered, was,  that for most of my life, I have diminished myself, tried to hide my personality, make apologies for who I am in order to accommodate those around me.  I have always served others before me, made excuses for my thoughts, feelings and my very presence.  I've played the victim and hid from my role and responsibilities in my life.  What this class has taught me was that if I don't show up in life, then I am not present in my life and therefore I am not living my life.  And, frankly, my son really needs me.  I am needed here, right now.  I am important.  I'm not a victim.  I am beautiful.  I am Amazing.   There is nothing and no one against me.  It's all for me.  So, to share with you tonight, my classmates, I brought myself.  I am un-apologetically, gracefully, energetically here.  I am present.  I am whole.  I am here.  I am good enough." 

And shit, if I don't tell you how amazing that felt.  The room melted and people hugged me.  I really, really believe that I do have a space in this world and damn it if I'm not going to let someone ever, ever close me out again.  And I meet these people all the time.  They shut you out before you get a chance to shine your light.  They do it out of fear.  They do it out of pain.  They do it because they are not connected.  And isn't that so funny why the Internet and smart phones are so popular?  Because they keep people connected. 

But they do so in such an artificial way.  I was just reading some excerpts from recent graduation speeches.  This one, by Jonathan Franzen at Kenyon College, particularly stood out for me.  He was speaking about how this younger generation is so connected with their Blackberries and iPhone's and how we've transformed the verb "Like" to mean something more than the action of choice, but to a consumer preference.  We've become consumers of of our own lives, our own expressions, our possessions.  He said, "trying to be completely likable is incompatible with loving relationships."  I'd even add, living relationships to that statement.  Eventually, you will discover that we are all just humans, ugly, embarrassing, fearful, judgemental, etc...being, well, being you.  And I personally, totally got what he meant.