Bitch

 

Even though I had a great week, I had a hard day. I almost hate the world today. I feel like a Bitch when I say that.

Tonight I cried. I was a little relieved to do so. I am so confused. On one hand I am livid and on the other I am hurt like a child. I guess I'm a little bit of everything all mixed up.  Raw.  I am sure that life is moving on without me and that is infuriating. Why isn’t everyone else paying attention to me and what I want or need?

I looked up Meredith Brooks’ lyrics for her song, “Bitch” because right now, I feel like it fully explains how I feel.

The chorus goes: “I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, and I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between. You know you wouldn't want it any other way.”

I spoke of the Coyote the last blog. Funny how we can immediately manifest our worst nightmares. So, it already happened. The feelings of unworthiness, falling for the same fucking trap, and then the self deprecation afterwards. Am I always destined to be the Coyote? Can I meditate myself into a new totem animal? If I go to a sweat lodge will things be different? If I do a 3 day fast on the mountain will my soul switch over from consistently insecure to somehow miraculously centered? Do I have to learn to live with what I have?

Meredith sings, “So take me as I am. This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man. Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous, And I'm going to extremes: Tomorrow I will change, And today won't mean a thing. Just when you think you've got me figured out, The season's already changing. I think it's cool you do what you do And don't try to save me.” Way to go girlfriend.

I want to say these things and believe it but the truth is that I am still a hurt, jealous, insecure, little girl deep down inside. When the shit-storm rains down, I am out there, crying, without an umbrella.

And today it hit me. I so wanted to play the victim. I wanted to blame the other person for how I felt. And then I realized, that it was my own reaction to what was happening that was really the only thing under my control. I am the one that feels hurts, less-than and unlovable. And I ask myself, “is this 100% true?” and the answer is quite honestly, “NO! Maybe even HELL NO!”

As much as my Ego wants to beat me up these days, my true self has been showing up and kicking some serious psychological butt! I am proud to report, that even though I fell for the same old bull shit that Wild E Coyote always falls for, I realized it upon entering the trap and went in anyways just out of curiosity. And frankly, the hurt isn’t as bad as I thought it might be. I am learning to handle the little disappointments a lot better. Things are no longer as dramatic as they once were.

Lesson learned: just freaking chill out. Shit happens and sometimes it hurts but that by no means that you are less than or somehow fucked up. Always, Always, Always remember WHO YOU ARE. Because you are amazing just as you are. And so it is.