Gratitude

Thanksgiving is approaching. It evokes fond memories of my family playing Jenga while waiting for the turkey to roast. Or, there were the late nights in front of the TV, rubbing full bellies, as the college team of choice vied for championship. And then, there are other memories. When I was in Tahoe, an “orphan” as I labeled it, we’d all gather, the rest of us who had no family to travel and see, to feast and drink and party together as one united disjointed family. We’d have fun, for sure, but in the end, I’d always think of what it would be like to “have a family” and have a REAL Thanksgiving.

I actually can’t remember the last Thanksgiving I had with Martin and Ziggy as a family. I know that we had just returned from a pretty tumultuous and devastatingly operatic trip from the East Coast; I can’t remember what we actually did to “give thanks” that year. Because, honestly, there wasn’t much to give thanks for.

I think we both realized that our world was crumbling around us. I think we both realized that we had different cultural ideals. We were, in short, breaking apart, in a time when most families are celebrating their togetherness.

I know things only got worse from mid October to about February when I finally did leave. I can’t really remember all the details, just sorted memories, fights, yelling, things that give me panic attacks to this day.

His mother is coming this week to visit. She still views me as the perpetrator and he as the victim. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. I get queasy just thinking of her in this hemisphere. I know Ziggy isn’t exactly fond of her, but he succumbs to his fatherly persuasions. At least, that is how I see it. But in the end, I don't have a way to keep them apart.  This is my life and I need to accept it. 

In the end, have I learned anything? Well, I can tell you whole-heartedly that I became significantly more aware of what gratitude really means; at least in the last year or so of my life. Today, one of our Practitioners was presenting at the front of Church and she was talking about having a Gratitude Journal and how it can impact your life. I don’t necessarily practice it regularly, as I liked to, but when I do, I find that naming the things you are grateful for only increases the amount of things to be grateful for. They may not be the exact things you are wishing for, i.e, more money or more things….. But should you find yourself open to what the Universe is willing to pass onto you, as you believe, you’d be amazed at the gifts bestowed.

So, for instance, I’ve focused on my abundance and financially security since leaving my ex-husband and there hasn’t been a day that I’ve dreaded being away from him. And I’ve been only focused on my health and well being, specifically focused on my on self image.   It has been a real issue for me most of my life.  And frankly, if I don’t feel like a Goddess now, I don’t know what is real!  I feel so good, without liposuction or tummy tucks! 

Life has a strange way of working out.

I read someplace recently that some people (the mean ones) were brought into your life to teach you the things you didn’t want to do or be the kind of person you didn’t want to be.  This makes me all the more comfortable in my life that I have led. I am grateful for my life, the goods and the bads. I don’t care that I don’t remember the last time I was thankful to be with Martin. I am just so grateful that I am no longer with Martin; and that it no longer matters.