I have been humbled in a recent life event that has left me questioning, why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? How did I manifest this? And it’s got me kind of fearful to even think at all because I am terrified of what will happen next. During the last ten weeks I’ve been faced with a few chaotic occurrences which leave me questioning my faith. I read or heard somewhere recently that chaos heralds major shifts or changes. I remain fearful insomuch that such change will fail to result in “goodness” rather than more struggle. It’s like I’m ducking and hunching over in fear, aching with expectation of more bludgeoning, more loss, more rejection, more abandonment, more stress. I’ve lost sight of reality. The shadows on the wall appear grotesquely huge, inhuman and otherworldly. I am surely suffering a panic attack because the Ego lost out over what it so desired. My vanity is exposed. My vulnerable soft-under belly is sore and calloused with past hurts. My story repetitiously replays in my head, numbing any sensation of truth. Where do I go from here?
Onward. Into my Castle. For here in this worldly realm, our greatest challenge lies in accepting that there is no evil, no matter, no absence of life, substance or intelligence. There is nothing to hate. There is no sin, sickness or death. Undressing in the deep chambers of my Soul, I become humbled and humiliated in my vanity. All there is for me to see and know is the truth that I certainly do not know anything other than “knowing all things and doing all things, I am independent of all things. I am absolutely free.” I am the observer of that which I am and yet, I experience and embody this moment fully in my being. Choosing to suffer and replay old tragedies does me no good other than to keep me mired in self-pity and self righteousness. This is not spirituality. This is narcissism.
I find it illuminating how close self-awareness and spirituality come towards the edge of narcissism. One quick slip of the wrist, the thought, the mind, the heart and poof! You have gone off the map of your good into the choppy waters of self-indulgent thinking that can overpower the ideas of unity and oneness and become a vicious vice for addiction and self-deprecation.
So, I believe I can say with purity of spirit, that I understand I cannot will outcomes on the “patient nor against evil, nor for Good. I may only tell the truth about God. The Truth is its own will.” Surrendering to the power and presence of God within and all around me is a humbling experience. One that my Ego certainly resists with great fervor. My imperfection is my perfection. My humanness is my innocence. My struggle is my freedom (when I finally lay down my arms and bear witness to the fact that it is I that I am fighting).
So, yearning for possessions, for romance, for peace, for truth, for understanding, for partnership, recognition, safety, love; these are all things that I can find inside of my soul. As Rumi said, “Friend, our closeness is this. Anywhere you put your foot feel me in the firmness under you. How is it with this love, I see your world and not you?” Seeing passed the yearnings and looking beyond the veil, the truth lies in wait. Do I have the courage to claim it?
Dolly Parton said, "Storms make trees take stronger roots." I remember in one class I used the analogy of a tree in our discussion to make a case that trees don't fret about when to flush their leaves or when to bloom. They just do it. And as I weather the storms of life, I seek to find an equilibrium where the highs and lows, the light and the dark, the high winds and the calm silence become my norm.
I have these words floating around my head: vanity, vulnerability and rejection and I find it appealing that each definition brings me closer to the shift that was inevitable to unfold. Vanity's definition starts with excessive pride and ends with worthlessness. Vulnerability is defined as being susceptible to physical or emotional injury. And finally, rejection is the turning away from... and I just find pure irony in that in order to heal the pain I feel, I must turn away from that which isn't the truth.
As I move forward on my journey, I recognize my divinity. I realize my truth. I accept this truth as the truth of ALL. I am grateful for my life. I surrender these words to the magical, mystery of the LAW. And so it is.
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