Adrenaline ~ It Can be a Positive Amendment to our Spiritual Gardens

Adrenaline ~ a hormone excreted by the adrenal glands to enable the human body to cope with physical and emotional stress.  It's used in literature often to describe a "rush" or "excitement" in moments of great sensation and ardor.  Maybe you've heard a story or two where someone, exposed to a great circumstance, is able to lift heavy objects, carry unbelievably heavy loads and/or survive extreme conditions.

In psychological contexts, adrenaline could be associated with the "flight or fight" responses we have to extreme events in our lives; a natural response is fear.  Fear, according to some scientific studies actually only lasts as a physical reaction within the body for several seconds.

After that, it's our mind that takes over and replays the scenario again and again.  It's at the very moment when the physical response to whatever caused the fear to rise, or the adrenaline to rush, subsides, that we, as conscious human beings can make a choice.  Do you choose to respond proactively to fear or do you hide from it?  Do you react in defensiveness or anger?  Do you suppress it?   Do you even feel it or are you so bugged out on medications that you cannot sense it?

Long-term exposure to stress will eventually erode away one's self esteem, and their physical and mental agility.  It can even change our breathing patterns, thus altering our internal chemistry due to rapid, shallow or irregular breathing.  Long-term exposure to stress can kill us. 

It's like when you are totally stressed out, running from something, running towards something and like, for instance, when you lose your phone, your keys or drop something heavy on your piggy toe.  You push on forward; you don't even realize the loss or the pain until moments, maybe hours or even days later.  The physical sensation has long gone, but the emotional and mental connection may be difficult to release.

I've been thinking about fear lately not because anything bad just happened, but because something miraculous has happened.  And try as I might to let myself go with the flow and follow the energy and light of the divine spirit that works in all of our lives, I feel the tendency to tread backwards, towards the waters of fear and defensiveness.  The difference between setting a loving boundary for myself and being fearful and reactionary to everyday stress isn't quite clear.    

When I left my ex out of fear that my son and me were in danger, the physical reaction to that fear lasted just a few days, at minimum.  But in reality what stuck with me was a mental replaying of the experience.  I mean, dreams, white knuckle-gripped hands on the steering wheel, tense jaw and clenched teeth, panic attacks, sleepless nights.... the works.  It toyed with my physical, mental, spiritual and emotional stability.

Using this energy or emotional response to my advantage is something I totally want to cultivate.  Is it like cultivating a garden?  Planting the seeds, weeding, tilling and tending the soil?  If I allow the response to overpower me and disconnect me from my authentic self, then maybe it is as if I've allowed my spiritual garden to go fallow.  And nobody likes a neglected vacant lot.  Hmmmm.....interesting analogy....

Writer's Block....

I am sure it happens to every writer.  The moment when there is nothing more that pours out of you like water over a falls.  Inspiration seems to have run dry.  Desperate, you begin to think of ways to become witty, lively, inspiring in the mundane.  And honestly, I do not have anything to give to you tonight.

First off, I've had some rather weird interactions lately that have captivated my attention.

One being, that I contacted the person with whom I lost my virginity.  I sent the letter on a Monday and received a call on a Friday.  He was apologetic and kind.  He said he had always followed me secretly via the internet but never contacted me. He said I had always occupied a special place in his heart.  Honestly, the conversation went 4 billion times better than I had imagined it would.  I mean, after all these years, I supposed he didn't even remember me.  But he did.

I remember the night.  I remember the entire experience.  Afterward, I totally felt used, abandoned and lost.  Gosh, I wonder why?  It's not my parents fault that I felt this way, but because they divorced and didn't really talk to me about it, I think I was left with the impression that I was somehow, less than, not worthy, discard-able....and his behavior after the big event was reflective of this assumption.   But then he talked about how he had regrets for his behavior.  How he had always felt I was someone with "spirit".  I was filled with a sense of joy, validation and acceptance.

Or, how about how my ex has asked to "have a date"?  I mean, shit, three months ago, I would have jumped at the chance to return to him.  Six months ago, I would have called the police for an escort.  But now I am a little skeptical and confused.  I mean, yes, I do want the family and the love and the companionship, but do I need to battle the insecurities, the judgments, and the cycle of abuse?  I mean, is it worth it?

So often when I think I have nothing of value to say, contribute, or share, I find that if I quiet myself and simply "feel" I am very much vocal about what is going on in the world around me.  Lately, I've taken to carrying around my "mala beads" with me.  Especially when I walk or drive.  I can breathe and touch one bead after another affirming that which needs to be affirmed.  It helps me remember who I really am.  What values, principles, and qualities I have that are worthy and not easily discarded.

So, with so much emptiness and vagueness in my soul tonight, feeling as though I had nothing to share, I see that deep within me there is still so much aching to come out and see the light of day. 

I am grateful for recent experiences and exchanges that have left me to realize that the world is a very open place without limitations.  We place those limits by what we believe, what we have been taught and what others have pressured us to accept as the truth.  The only truth is that which is inside of you.  So, maybe this block was not a stopping point, not a road block, but simply a stop light, a delightful detour, a moment in the day to simple be with what is and accept it as such.

Baking a Spiritual Cake

I am struggling today.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had a minor medical procedure this morning and as a result, I was so drugged out that when I finally woke today at 5 pm I had no idea where I was or what time it was.  Maybe it has something to do with my period coming any day now.  I always get a little emotional at this time of the month.  Maybe it's because while I read through the books and go through the therapy and do the meditations, I am still, deep down, struggling with being in love with my ex-husband.  Maybe I'm not in love with him really, but the idea of him and what he represented to me.  Maybe it's because regardless of how much I focus on the positive, the good in my life,  and letting go of the pain of the past, I still want to be part of a family.  It's like I've got all these ingredients to make a lovely cake, but I am still missing something.

I threw my tarot cards today.  A simple, daily spread for (1) what was the important aspect of the day, (2) what to be mindful of (3) and what desires and/or projections I may have.   I received Justice, which basically means that I am focused on things like organizing paperwork for the divorce and making sure that I am not getting screwed over by my ex.  But much more than that, it suggests that the laws of justice are working for me.  That which has happened in the past will be redeemed with new, good opportunities and blessings in the future.  I received 9 of Swords which means that I am to be mindful of the despair and sadness that follows me still.  It's always darkest before the dawn and in essence a new dawn is on the horizon.  And finally, I received the 10 of Pentacles that depicts the ideal happy family.  The one I so desire yet seems impossible for me to achieve.  This card cautions, however, to be weary because the reality isn't always as good as the idealized.  In short, be careful what you wish for.

Funny that I had been thinking of that stuff prior to throwing the cards.  And even in my complete post-procedure haze I had an intense feeling of mournfulness for something for which I couldn't quite put my finger on.  Then, out of the blue, my ex-husband sent a text inviting me out for a drink and a nice conversation.....hmmm.  This sends shivers down my spine.  Fears of rejection, manipulation and deception encircle.  What does he want?  What is he going to try and encourage me to do for him?  How will I be hurt this time?  Because the conundrum is that while I know I should be placing healthy boundaries around me to protect myself, I still let him in out of the desire to be together again. 

If old Ernest Holmes was standing next to me, he'd perhaps tap me on the shoulder and remind me "that it is done unto me as I believe".  So, if I keep the fears and doubts and the sadness and pain of rejection inside of me when I see him, I will obviously be rewarded in kind.  It seems totally naive of me to go and have a drink with him and act like I am not dying inside.  I guess, however, that is where those handy boundaries come into play.  I mean, I can still love him and want to have a family with him.  But I don't have to wear my pain on my sleeve.  I can hold it close to my heart, close to God and allow it to breathe as I breathe, hear, observe and contemplate the meaning in a safe, loving space.

Maybe to you it sounds naive and childish that I haven't learned how to interact with my ex-husband.  But there it is.  My little girl inside still wants the fairy tale; my hurt and violated outer self wants justice and the truth is somewhere in between.  Even if I can act brave and healed on the outside, inside there is a woman who is devastatingly sad for the loss of what she believed to be her destiny.

Hmmmm....Do unto him as  I believe.  Do I believe I am silly and naive?  Do I believe that my life is worse or better now?  Do I believe he has some kind of power over me?  Or, is the power inside of me greater than any power because it is the power of Spirit?  As I believe.  hmmm....  What if it's not about simply believing in one thing, but how one believes.  So even though I am sad for my loss and fearful for my future I can redirect my energy to be open to what is, as it is.  I can love myself just the same; with or without this sadness.  But it's the loving of myself that is the key ingredient.  It's like the baking soda in the cake mix.  No one really tastes it but without it the cake won't rise.

Why "Should's" shouldn't be....

Have you ever had someone say to you, "well, you should...."? Oh, how irritating, right? Not only are they obviously not listening to you (because they forgot to validate what you just said to them) but they also are making assumptions about you based on their own beliefs and values. I've had a lot of people tell me what I should do in the last 30 or so years of my life. I haven't always been mindful in how I react to those should's, what they trigger in me, and where the should's seem to be coming from. It wasn't until recently that I even became aware that the should's were assumptions. I mean, honestly, I think I listened to the should's like they had some kind of authority. What insanity. Isn't it the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over expecting different results? Well, here I have been living, hearing and trying to respond to the should's always anticipating that somehow I'd achieve nirvana and meet the expectations of the should-giver. Yet, now, I think, it's becoming apparent that many should-givers don't really know what they want from me, let alone anyone or anything in life. All they are doing is trying to make life be what they want, what feels good for them because they are so immature and underdeveloped emotionally that they cannot conceive a life beyond should's. It's all they know.

Louise Hay says that "should is one of the most damaging words in our language". Because every time we use it, we are in essence saying, "wrong". She suggests removing 'should' and replacing it with 'could'. It's marvelously freeing to do so. Try it. "I should forgive so-and-so...." implies that if I don't I am somehow wrong, less benevolent, more judgmental, maybe even selfish. But if I rephrase it, "I could forgive so-and-so if I so chose, but here are my reasons why I've not done so....." Wow! What power that affords you!

The book, The Four Agreements, is one of the easiest and simplest self-books out there. If you have not read it yet, I highly recommend it. They are: Be impeccable with your word, Don't take anything personally, Don't make assumptions, and Always do your best. It's not the end all to productive and healthy living, but it's a start. And how! There seem to be a plethora of folks who just don't really know the basics. It's like my toddler, Ziggy. He's just two and a half years old. The other day a young girl was interested in touching him....almost pushing him but mostly just wanting to touch his belly. He said, "no touch, please, no touch!" instead of actually hitting or pushing her. I was quite amazed because I work with elementary school students and I know for a fact they often don't know how to 'use their words'. And I know many adults who too, struggle with expressing themselves without simply reacting in anger, frustration, jealousy, judgement and blame.

I am certainly not claiming to be some kind of authority. For shit snakes, I am in therapy weekly, have been for 5 months and don't plan on ending it any time soon. I've got just as much baggage as the next person. But I guess it's kind of a matter of how you carry and manage the baggage. I heard a quote the other day, something like, we've all got baggage, why not get some with fancy wheels that sparkle and some neat fluorescent colors? In a nutshell, enjoy life exactly where you are, with what you have and maybe life won't seem like such a burden.  In the past, when entering into new relationships, I'd often tenuously carry my baggage along with me, and not really open it up until I felt pretty comfortable. Eventually, I'd be there, like modeling all it's contents...trying on different eras of my life in front of my new partner and trying to honestly share the contents, and realistically saying aloud, "hey, I know some of this shit is down right weird, but what are your thoughts on the subject, while I got your attention??" And, of course, as you can imagine, they'd totally blow me off. Only igniting some internal conflict regarding my inner child, the baggage I carry and the assumptions that linger in my inner psyche.

Who knows. I mean even my therapist doesn't seem to really KNOW, you know. And the first person who says that they know more than likely is the one to be suspicious of, in my humble opinion. Maybe the Dali Lama....maybe.

In light of Laws

Anyway, a couple of things have been happening lately that got me to thinking about spirituality and manifestation.  I mean, could we really manifest that which we so desire in our lives?  Do we really have that kind of power?  Here are some brief examples.  

I've been learning a lot about spirituality lately.  I've been reading this book, This Thing Called You, by Ernest Holmes.  For those of you who don't know who he is, well, I'm just learning myself, but apparently he basically founded the Religious Science movement.  And, it's often a disclaimer, when you mention Religious Science that it's not to be confused with Scientology.  They are not the same.  Not even close.

Mr. Holmes talks about how the Law of Spirit is no different than the Law of Gravity.  For instance, we don't disagree that things stay put wherever we place them.  Gravity holds them in place and this is pretty much a certain fact of life here on Planet Earth.  If we want to put a horse in our living room, we can.  It doesn't make a lot of practical sense in many respects, but the Law of Gravity will keep the horse right there until we move it.  We have the power to rearrange things within the context of the law.

Just as gravity works without fail, spirituality or faith, rather, works the same way.  God/Goddess/the Universe/Spirit always is open to you and you to it.  You are connected because you are one and the same.  Therefore, the Universe is abundant with limitless possibilities and that means that you have access to the same; but only is so much as the manner in which you apply the law.  It makes no sense to say that you are worthless and undeserving of God's gifts.  How does that serve you or those around you?  It's like putting a horse in your living room.  However, you can rearrange those same thoughts, under the basic premise that you are connected to God and are the way of God, and say that all the goodness the Universe has to offer is available to you.

Mr. Holmes says at one point in This Thing Called You, "Spirit withholds nothing from you.  To believe that God refuse the good you desire is to deny the goodness of God.  It  is a refusal to accept the profound conclusion of the one who said, "it is done unto you as you believe."

I used to think this was bull-hooey.

But; I live in this tiny studio apartment with my 2.5 year old son and to say the least, it's cramped.  It was always supposed to be a transition house until I was able to afford and have the means to move to a larger place.  I mean, literally, it's only been 6 months since I took us out of an abusive home and had to start all over again.  So, I am trying to be patient with myself.  Every day I wake up and I breathe in and out and thank God/Goddess/the Universe/Spirit for having a safe place to live.  To wake up next to a sleeping, beautiful toddler is the most precious gift I can think of....

I've been praying, however, to be able to upgrade from my studio to a real home a lot lately.  I put an image onto my Vision Board I made at the Moon Girls Gathering last full moon.  I place the intentions out when I drive around my neighborhood.   And the other day, I was receiving a reading from a trusted Medium and she specifically called out a 2 bedroom apartment in my future.

I often start my day checking Craigslist to see if the perfect, two-bedroom cottage, with a fenced yard and storage space in a quiet, safe midtown neighborhood, in my price range apartment, available.  And today, there it was!  It was posted just minutes before I went online!!  I went to see it on my lunch break and it's exactly like what I've been imagining.  Sure the paint is peeling and it's right next to the train tracks, but it's AWESOME!  I can finally have a garden again.  My son can play safely outdoors without me fearing he'll get hit by a car.  He'll have his own bedroom in which to grow into a little man.  Granted I'll miss waking up next to him, but a small price to pay for security of a HOME.

So I tried to calm down.  I tried to breathe and let it go out to the Universe so that it would be able to manifest.  I went to do other things to distract myself.  But something drew me back to the place in the early evening.  As I pulled up onto the street, a woman approached me.  She was walking her dogs.  I asked her if she lived in the neighborhood and she said yes, just a few blocks to the left.  I mentioned I was looking at one of the apartments.  She asked which one.  When I told her, she laughed.  That was her old place.  She met her husband while living on this street a few years ago and now lives just a few blocks down.  She said the street was wonderful.  

How wonderful.   What a wonderful mystery the Universal Power of Spirit is.  Let's offer this blessing unto the Universe and let it manifest as it should.  I am open and willing to accept the gifts of good that seek to find me.