Why "Should's" shouldn't be....

Have you ever had someone say to you, "well, you should...."? Oh, how irritating, right? Not only are they obviously not listening to you (because they forgot to validate what you just said to them) but they also are making assumptions about you based on their own beliefs and values. I've had a lot of people tell me what I should do in the last 30 or so years of my life. I haven't always been mindful in how I react to those should's, what they trigger in me, and where the should's seem to be coming from. It wasn't until recently that I even became aware that the should's were assumptions. I mean, honestly, I think I listened to the should's like they had some kind of authority. What insanity. Isn't it the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over expecting different results? Well, here I have been living, hearing and trying to respond to the should's always anticipating that somehow I'd achieve nirvana and meet the expectations of the should-giver. Yet, now, I think, it's becoming apparent that many should-givers don't really know what they want from me, let alone anyone or anything in life. All they are doing is trying to make life be what they want, what feels good for them because they are so immature and underdeveloped emotionally that they cannot conceive a life beyond should's. It's all they know.

Louise Hay says that "should is one of the most damaging words in our language". Because every time we use it, we are in essence saying, "wrong". She suggests removing 'should' and replacing it with 'could'. It's marvelously freeing to do so. Try it. "I should forgive so-and-so...." implies that if I don't I am somehow wrong, less benevolent, more judgmental, maybe even selfish. But if I rephrase it, "I could forgive so-and-so if I so chose, but here are my reasons why I've not done so....." Wow! What power that affords you!

The book, The Four Agreements, is one of the easiest and simplest self-books out there. If you have not read it yet, I highly recommend it. They are: Be impeccable with your word, Don't take anything personally, Don't make assumptions, and Always do your best. It's not the end all to productive and healthy living, but it's a start. And how! There seem to be a plethora of folks who just don't really know the basics. It's like my toddler, Ziggy. He's just two and a half years old. The other day a young girl was interested in touching him....almost pushing him but mostly just wanting to touch his belly. He said, "no touch, please, no touch!" instead of actually hitting or pushing her. I was quite amazed because I work with elementary school students and I know for a fact they often don't know how to 'use their words'. And I know many adults who too, struggle with expressing themselves without simply reacting in anger, frustration, jealousy, judgement and blame.

I am certainly not claiming to be some kind of authority. For shit snakes, I am in therapy weekly, have been for 5 months and don't plan on ending it any time soon. I've got just as much baggage as the next person. But I guess it's kind of a matter of how you carry and manage the baggage. I heard a quote the other day, something like, we've all got baggage, why not get some with fancy wheels that sparkle and some neat fluorescent colors? In a nutshell, enjoy life exactly where you are, with what you have and maybe life won't seem like such a burden.  In the past, when entering into new relationships, I'd often tenuously carry my baggage along with me, and not really open it up until I felt pretty comfortable. Eventually, I'd be there, like modeling all it's contents...trying on different eras of my life in front of my new partner and trying to honestly share the contents, and realistically saying aloud, "hey, I know some of this shit is down right weird, but what are your thoughts on the subject, while I got your attention??" And, of course, as you can imagine, they'd totally blow me off. Only igniting some internal conflict regarding my inner child, the baggage I carry and the assumptions that linger in my inner psyche.

Who knows. I mean even my therapist doesn't seem to really KNOW, you know. And the first person who says that they know more than likely is the one to be suspicious of, in my humble opinion. Maybe the Dali Lama....maybe.