Looking back at my year plus of blog entries I realize that I have used the phrase "I AM" quite a bit.
This blog has been, for me, a personal revelation of what I AM remembering about my life & what has shaped me to become who I AM, to that which I recognize & relate.
But today I sort of thought of how I spend more time thinking about who I AM NOT rather than enjoying what I AM.
When someone compliments me, saying that I am a good writer, I say to myself, I am not a great writer. When someone says I am a good mother, I will say that I am not a great mother.
Today a friend said to me, "Jill, I hear you always talk about what you are not, are you gonna live the rest of your life that way? Can you see what your are, that which is good?"
I struggled with this, I tried to justify what I was saying, I stammered at the moment she looked at me, feeling as though she expected me to say something about what I am. I just broke down into tears.
I find it so easy to say what I AM NOT but I struggle so much with admitting the good stuff.
So, for lack of anything better to believe, here we go....
I AM kind, nurturing, caring, smart, creative, mature, loving, beautiful, sexy, strong and financially stable. I AM a good mother, a survivor, a reliable employee, a trusted friend, an inspiring woman, powerful athlete and a forgiving soul. I AM that and so much more.
Today, I am going to start believing in myself from a place of wholeness, rather than living and reacting from a place of fear.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Why me?
As a newbie to Science of Mind I dove into philosophies of we are all One and nothing and no one is against me, but rather my experiences are all for me to learn, live and love the God qualities available from the Infinite Source of All that Is.
Today, I am asking "why me?". It is hard to be positive and open when things go wrong. So it is.
When you get blind-sided and suddenly realize that you've gotten yourself into a place that isn't where you want to be, how you get yourself out and how you treat yourself after is the most significant struggle; at least it is for me.
I mean, once I realize I'm in a challenging spot, there is the matter-of-fact set of things I need to do to be in a safe place. Leave, call a friend, call the cops...
Then it seems, my biggest lesson to learn shows up. Don't blame myself, don't beat myself up, don't judge or run to my old story.
Not easy to do.
I just read this Rumi poem that I can't remember exactly how it goes but it said something like love is treacherous and violent. It rips through you like a saw through new wood. Searing the membranes, tearing flesh and leaving bits of the whole body behind. That last part, actually is mine.
And maybe, as I write this blog and ask the question, "why me?" it becomes clear. Because I Am.
Today, I am asking "why me?". It is hard to be positive and open when things go wrong. So it is.
When you get blind-sided and suddenly realize that you've gotten yourself into a place that isn't where you want to be, how you get yourself out and how you treat yourself after is the most significant struggle; at least it is for me.
I mean, once I realize I'm in a challenging spot, there is the matter-of-fact set of things I need to do to be in a safe place. Leave, call a friend, call the cops...
Then it seems, my biggest lesson to learn shows up. Don't blame myself, don't beat myself up, don't judge or run to my old story.
Not easy to do.
I just read this Rumi poem that I can't remember exactly how it goes but it said something like love is treacherous and violent. It rips through you like a saw through new wood. Searing the membranes, tearing flesh and leaving bits of the whole body behind. That last part, actually is mine.
And maybe, as I write this blog and ask the question, "why me?" it becomes clear. Because I Am.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
All I really want...
So funny. I had a really fun day with my best buddy, Coco. We went to the Ojai Wine Festival. And it's been a long time since my mind has been thus clear. And it's like when I begin to write, I think it is all so clear as to where I will go, but then as I sit down and the whole world opens up to me and I don't exactly know which direction I should go.
As I write to you about my feelings and fear I realize that sometimes you are listening to me and sometimes you don't really pay attention to what I write. And sometimes I am given good will and yet sometimes I don't receive any feedback. I just keep chasing my dreams of being a "writer"; and only you (the reader) can make it real. I pour my heart out every blog, yet, do you know how I really feel? That is taken from Edwin McCain, 3 AM song that I hope you will check out and download.
Steve Earle talked about the Wolftown Bridge where he wrote a song called "Halo 'round the Moon" and he lovingly talks about how the river has been trying to push "Gallway River into Gallway Bay for the last 100 years and Gallway Bay isn't cooperating. And then he sings, "there's a halo around the moon, so I know it ain't to blame and I knew what love could do yet I loved her anyway, and I let her slip away and I'm all alone and blue and there's a halo around the moon."
And that so much reminds me of much of the losses of love I've faced in my own life. And how I so often approach new love or any new endeavor; from a bridge, across a wild river, with hopes of conquering something and yet realizing later that the river had no intention of slowing down in the first place.
So where does this leave us? Well, my sneaking suspicion is that we are lost and left to the reality that surrounds us.
I can tell you that it is not that easy to figure out. I certainly like watching the waves bust upon the shore and the fog roll onto the hills and think love is on my side. I see the homeless person beg for dimes at the main street intersection and wonder how he got there. I love that the city manager shows up at community events to lift trash out of the riverbed. And the train whistle blows and shakes my windows as it passes by. Life is: quite simply: amazing. And as, Widespread Panic so amply conveyed in the 90's. Life is Grand.
Watching people roll by and wondering where they are going. And what 's your job and what do you know??
The truth of it all is that in the very moment that we belive we've got it all figured out it becomes evident that there is a whole other world of possibilities. As soon as you think you know it all the world blows your mind. What a magnificent gift to experience.
And I know that it isn't always magical and perfect. Blind Melon wished for someone to stay with them while it rained. And truthfully, it's all we can hope for; someone who only wants to spend time with us even when the weather is foul; because the truth is that the weather changes all the time.
My dear friend told me she wants to 'move on' to some place else that has "more for her" and I can't help but think of my gurus, Blind Melon, Widespread Panic, Steve Earl and dear ol' Edwin McCain. I would, if I had the guts to ask her to her face, "do you think my my point of view is not sain"? I'd share with her that there is no shelter from the storm. And I tell her that love would hold no charm if it were not for the pain.
It's 3 am and I am my heart is still dreaming. Outside I hear the souls screaming, dear Edwin sang. I think the truth is that no matter where you go, you will find that after all the moving and all the new shit that comes, you are nothing more than you, there where you are and that is the biggest shit you need to deal with. Not your locale, not your boss, not your boyfriend, not your best friend, but you. And yes, it's kind of like how that dam river is trying to push itself into the bay; it's not exactly graceful. But it's real.
And whatever she decides, I know that I will love her. I will miss her when she is gone but love her for lingering on.
As I write to you about my feelings and fear I realize that sometimes you are listening to me and sometimes you don't really pay attention to what I write. And sometimes I am given good will and yet sometimes I don't receive any feedback. I just keep chasing my dreams of being a "writer"; and only you (the reader) can make it real. I pour my heart out every blog, yet, do you know how I really feel? That is taken from Edwin McCain, 3 AM song that I hope you will check out and download.
Steve Earle talked about the Wolftown Bridge where he wrote a song called "Halo 'round the Moon" and he lovingly talks about how the river has been trying to push "Gallway River into Gallway Bay for the last 100 years and Gallway Bay isn't cooperating. And then he sings, "there's a halo around the moon, so I know it ain't to blame and I knew what love could do yet I loved her anyway, and I let her slip away and I'm all alone and blue and there's a halo around the moon."
And that so much reminds me of much of the losses of love I've faced in my own life. And how I so often approach new love or any new endeavor; from a bridge, across a wild river, with hopes of conquering something and yet realizing later that the river had no intention of slowing down in the first place.
So where does this leave us? Well, my sneaking suspicion is that we are lost and left to the reality that surrounds us.
I can tell you that it is not that easy to figure out. I certainly like watching the waves bust upon the shore and the fog roll onto the hills and think love is on my side. I see the homeless person beg for dimes at the main street intersection and wonder how he got there. I love that the city manager shows up at community events to lift trash out of the riverbed. And the train whistle blows and shakes my windows as it passes by. Life is: quite simply: amazing. And as, Widespread Panic so amply conveyed in the 90's. Life is Grand.
Watching people roll by and wondering where they are going. And what 's your job and what do you know??
The truth of it all is that in the very moment that we belive we've got it all figured out it becomes evident that there is a whole other world of possibilities. As soon as you think you know it all the world blows your mind. What a magnificent gift to experience.
And I know that it isn't always magical and perfect. Blind Melon wished for someone to stay with them while it rained. And truthfully, it's all we can hope for; someone who only wants to spend time with us even when the weather is foul; because the truth is that the weather changes all the time.
My dear friend told me she wants to 'move on' to some place else that has "more for her" and I can't help but think of my gurus, Blind Melon, Widespread Panic, Steve Earl and dear ol' Edwin McCain. I would, if I had the guts to ask her to her face, "do you think my my point of view is not sain"? I'd share with her that there is no shelter from the storm. And I tell her that love would hold no charm if it were not for the pain.
It's 3 am and I am my heart is still dreaming. Outside I hear the souls screaming, dear Edwin sang. I think the truth is that no matter where you go, you will find that after all the moving and all the new shit that comes, you are nothing more than you, there where you are and that is the biggest shit you need to deal with. Not your locale, not your boss, not your boyfriend, not your best friend, but you. And yes, it's kind of like how that dam river is trying to push itself into the bay; it's not exactly graceful. But it's real.
And whatever she decides, I know that I will love her. I will miss her when she is gone but love her for lingering on.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
One Year Anniversary...
Happy Anniversary to me! And what a special occasion this represents for me: a relationship with me! For the first time in my life I can honestly say without looking down at the ground and shrugging my shoulders that I love myself! I believe I am worthy of the love I desire! Nothing and no one is against me; yet rather, the whole Universe is here for me to express and experience the mysterious gifts of Infinite Spirit (or God, Buddha, Earth Mother, or whomever you want to relate to...)
So, this last year, in my relationship with myself I've gleaned a few pieces of wisdom that I will carry forward with me... eh-he, now I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you and the method behind my madness.... I am not sure if many of you realize just how this post gets written? It is, I confess, quite unabashedly, from a concoction of good music and cheap libations. Often inspired by some random off-put experience throughout the week that summons a memory from my crazy life.
Here is a starter: In the words of the great Bobbie Ferrin, "Don't worry, be happy". And, from the Master, Michael Franti, "Everybody deserves love". Both James Blunt and Nelly Furtado said, "You're Beautiful" and I agreed, finally. And from Des'ree, "You gotta be bad, bold you gotta be wiser... all I know is love will save the day".
In the last year I created a home, grew a community of friends, gotten a raise and promotion at work, released a whole shit-load of my old stories that were doing nothing more than weighing me down and holding me back, attended weekly counseling, attended monthly personal development classes, improved and mended damaged relationships, maintained a healthy weight and more importantly a healthy body image, and continued to raise a pretty darn cool kid.
I find myself asking difficult questions at times, like "was it all worth it?" or "would I go back if he changed?" And to tell you the truth, I think I am pretty happy how things have worked themselves out. I believe that, should I enter into another relationship, this time I honestly feel like my boundaries will become more relevant messages in daily conversation. Not because I am selfish, but because I am worth it.
Ziggy is a tremendous gauge for me on whether or not we did the right thing. Maybe we could have done it differently, but the end result has done nothing but good for that little boy. The fighting and the sadness was working on his poor little heart. And at such and early age to have that kind of trauma! Poor little dude. Now, however, he is rather content and certainly adjusted to the changes. He is, in fact, quite normal. What a blessing.
As I move into this next 7 year cycle of my life I am sort of deliberately focusing on some of my goals and wants and things I'd like to manifest. The last 15 years I never really consciously focused on much of what I was doing with my life. I think, however, the next 7 -1 5 will be very different for me. Who knows what's in store for me? Love? Fame? Financial Freedom? All of it? Let it so be!
Just a quick shout-out to EVERYONE who helped me survive the last year. You know who you are. Much love and giggles I send your way!
So, this last year, in my relationship with myself I've gleaned a few pieces of wisdom that I will carry forward with me... eh-he, now I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you and the method behind my madness.... I am not sure if many of you realize just how this post gets written? It is, I confess, quite unabashedly, from a concoction of good music and cheap libations. Often inspired by some random off-put experience throughout the week that summons a memory from my crazy life.
Here is a starter: In the words of the great Bobbie Ferrin, "Don't worry, be happy". And, from the Master, Michael Franti, "Everybody deserves love". Both James Blunt and Nelly Furtado said, "You're Beautiful" and I agreed, finally. And from Des'ree, "You gotta be bad, bold you gotta be wiser... all I know is love will save the day".
In the last year I created a home, grew a community of friends, gotten a raise and promotion at work, released a whole shit-load of my old stories that were doing nothing more than weighing me down and holding me back, attended weekly counseling, attended monthly personal development classes, improved and mended damaged relationships, maintained a healthy weight and more importantly a healthy body image, and continued to raise a pretty darn cool kid. I find myself asking difficult questions at times, like "was it all worth it?" or "would I go back if he changed?" And to tell you the truth, I think I am pretty happy how things have worked themselves out. I believe that, should I enter into another relationship, this time I honestly feel like my boundaries will become more relevant messages in daily conversation. Not because I am selfish, but because I am worth it.
Ziggy is a tremendous gauge for me on whether or not we did the right thing. Maybe we could have done it differently, but the end result has done nothing but good for that little boy. The fighting and the sadness was working on his poor little heart. And at such and early age to have that kind of trauma! Poor little dude. Now, however, he is rather content and certainly adjusted to the changes. He is, in fact, quite normal. What a blessing.
As I move into this next 7 year cycle of my life I am sort of deliberately focusing on some of my goals and wants and things I'd like to manifest. The last 15 years I never really consciously focused on much of what I was doing with my life. I think, however, the next 7 -1 5 will be very different for me. Who knows what's in store for me? Love? Fame? Financial Freedom? All of it? Let it so be!
Just a quick shout-out to EVERYONE who helped me survive the last year. You know who you are. Much love and giggles I send your way!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
El Bondi
While living in Buenos Aires I discovered the joys of public transit. The Porteños lovingly refer to their local buses as "bondis" and more formally "collectivos". Knowing and feeling confident to ride the bondi's in Buenos Aires took some effort and memorizing the little map guide, however, gave this somewhat tentative, yet surely intrepid new resident a new found sense of independence.
It was before I had decided to "live" in Buenos Aires actually. I remember the day I decided to "get lost" on the buses in an effort to truly learn the system. Andres, the Hostel employee and new friend, suggested that I purchase a guide. This wasn't as easy as one would think. I went to several new stands looking for one without much luck and then realized that I had to purchase one from a local street kid on the bus or subway for $3 pesos. 
Once in hand, it was as if the entire city was there at my finger tips. I can only imagine the first iPhone app for travellers to be developed (actually, Omnilineas sort of has), but for now, the old fashioned way seems to work marvelously. If you haven't used a map in a while, it might be a bit intimidating. I know many of my younger friends who rely all too frequently on their smart phones might find it a bit awkward.
I remember vividly, if you took the 152 line, you'd be taken over to La Boca where you could check out the historic old neighborhoods famous for Tango and futbol. Or the 64 line was a quick one from where I lived in Palermo Hollywood into downtown, near Retiro. I could take the 124 to Corrientes for a day of bargain shopping. Or, if I had recently gotten paid, I'd prefer to head to Puyerredon, an upscale, leafy, tree-lined shopping district on foot. Or, to visit one of my girlfriends and perhaps indulge in a little Argentinean-style bowling, I'd take the 166 to Villa Crespa.
The truth is, I really and fully immersed myself in the lifestyle, culture and essence which is Buenos Aires. In 6 short months, I easily managed the city via bondi, subte, by foot and even by bicycle. It feels like a lifetime ago. What I wouldn't give to be back there again...anything except Ziggy, of course.
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