I haven't been in the mood lately to blog. And it's not like I've got a ton of followers awaiting my every word, right? And it's not like I am in a bad mood or anything. I've been busy, of course, but not to the point of not being able to sit down at the computer. I've found myself more frequently, however, drowning in internet dating sites desperately searching for a Mr. Right.
And it got me to thinking about this book I had been reading, and then, for some reason, left aside my bed with the ten or so other self-help books. The book is titled: Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love. And at first it's riddled with the background in Attachment Theory and the different studies associated with the three attachment styles: secure, avoidant and anxious. But today, out of boredom, slash desperation, I picked it back up and read chapters 5, 6 & 7; a breakdown and detailed "how-to" for the secure attached person, the avoidant attached person and the anxious attached person.
After reading these three chapters, I wanted to rush out and buy a copy for all of my friends and family and even my enemies too! It so clearly explains my 38 years of disillusionment in love and relationships with anyone, really. I after all this struggling with "what's wrong with me" I can see that there is nothing wrong with me (as Robert Holden so eloquently shares with us in his awesome book, Shift Happens).
Well, it's not that easy, because according to the helpful quizzes provided in the earlier chapters, I am about 50-50% avoidant/anxious. Which, as far as I can tell is the worst-case scenario. I mean, they give these amazing statistics.
First they estimate that 50% of us are secure, with 20% anxious, with 25% avoidant and the remaining 5% are the combination styles. So, if you think about it, 50% of the population is already in a secure, happy, satisfying relationship and more than likely are out of the dating pool. Avoidants typically do not date each other, therefore, they are out there preying on the helpless anxious attachment folks! And if the test I took is remotely accurate, I am completely screwed!
Secures have already found love and find it easy to love pretty much all three styles. Secures enhance and make the other two, less secure styles more functional, just by the very nature of their secure traits.
If you are avoidant, then watch out, because you will spend most of your life searching for the ideal mate only to find that no one will ever meet your expectations because you actually have issues with intimacy. As soon as you get close to commitment, you bolt or make your partner's life hell with a bunch of annoying strategies you use to keep yourself calm, irregardless of what you are doing to them.
And, I really feel sorry for those anxious attachment styles. They are a mess. They confuse the feelings of abandonment, rejection and constant stress of "he loves me, he loves me not" with actual love. They actually seek out these unavailable people because it reminds them of some kind of deep-seeded emotion they grew up with!!
Of course the book goes on to share "fail-proof" strategies to find the love you need and keep it. As much as my inner cynic wants to come out and be like "yeah right!" I am going to attempt to follow their advice; because interestingly enough it follows the Science of Mind ideals: be yourself, accept the good, know there is abundance there for you, be your highest and best self, remember no one and nothing is against you; but do set loving boundaries (assert your needs) and plant those seeds of what you seek and so shall you reap it.
I was going to share a specific case in point, but let's just suffice it to say, buy the book, read it and you will actually see these behaviors play out in your own life right in front of your very eyes. It's amazing.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Buenos Aires, Argentina ~ Part II
Upon arriving to the Hostel Recoleta, I rang the bell to enter. Here's the thing about traveling; things are different and that is the best part right? But sometimes, let's admit it. When we have traveled all day, maybe all night too, we are tired, hungry, confused and most of all smelly, the last thing we 'relish' are the quaint cultural differences. So, in Argentina, and probably in most cities for that matter, you have to ring a bell, press a buzzer and in all senses of the word, pass the 'gatekeeper' to enter buildings. In rural Pennsylvania, you just walk up to someone's house, knock on the door. Most likely, someone is around back and they invite you for an iced tea or lemonade. But, in the heart of the city, the maddening sound of passing "motos", "collectivos", "autos" and other noises reverberating off the insanely tall buildings (which only make me feel more out of place and small and insignificant) I need to hear the person on the other end of this intercom and translate effectively to enter the building.
To my credit, within minutes I am floundering inside an elevator up to the reception area. It's a beautiful old Victorian building, circa 1920's maybe. The red tiled floors, the granite walls, the interior courtyard, all of it was impressive to my simple, country girl's eyes. And then there was Andres, the reception clerk. My first impression was, Wow! He was handsome, tall, tattooed, tough and had every impression of the sarcastic, bad boy type I melt for. I knew right away I was in trouble. Instead of greeting me with a professional hello, he says, "What's in the box?" I was shocked he spoke such good English. I respond in my best Spanish and he then says, "A bicycle! What are you planning to do? Ride to Ushuaia on that thing!?" He laughs, checks me out and then begins helping me arrange my accommodations. It was love at first site. 
I checked into my room which was a shared dorm room with three other beds. No one was in them at the moment, so I crawled up into a ball on my bed and began to cry. I sobbed quietly for about 20 minutes. I was exhausted and so frightened. I had never done anything like this before. I needed to eat something but I was so terrified to go back out into that noise. I needed to shower, but I was scared to get up and be seen by the other travelers. If they saw me, they'd know right away I was a fake. I was 'green'. They'd laugh when I told them my plans to ride to Mendoza. I'd never make one friend here the whole time I was here. I just wanted to go back home. Once all that baby shit got out of my system, I got up, showered, put my bike together, and made my first friend. Phil Bates. He was an Englishman traveling the world. He was 6 mths in. He'd been here at this Hostel now for a few weeks. Andres was his friend. He'd take me to the Disco, a grocery store a few blocks away. That night, I went out for drinks with a few other fellow travelers. I met Erica, St. John, Will, Megan (another woman from California), Carlos, Frank, David, Florencia and of course, got to know Andres a little better.
Within a few days I had the City all mapped out. I had taken my bike to a local bike shop to ensure I put it back together correctly (I hadn't). Then I rode all over the City on bicycle and in bus. I got a local guide for the bus and would take trips to the end of the lines of each of the buses (or collectivos) that passed by Hostel Recoleta. Turns out, this hostel was located in the prime tourist section of the City. It was close to all the main attractions.
I met a good friend, who, to this day, will always remain dear to me: Cristian Barrionuevo. He worked the ticket counter at one of the bus companies I took out to either Bariloche or Mendoza. He was studying English and was fascinated by me and I, as well, was fascinated with him. We'd meet for un cafe or stroll along in Parque San Martin discussing everything from the seasons in the northern hemisphere to why Argentina seems to not have any "indigenous" cultures remaining.
The third week I took a bus up to Bariloche to meet up with my girlfriend from San Luis Obispo, CA, who had decided to come down and meet me and take a one week intensive course with me. The bus ride to Bariloche was over 30 hours. It passed through the heart of Argentina, which is mostly flat, low, lying agricultural estates, known as La Pampa. And the estates are called estancias. Many tourists go to estancias to stay and learn about the history and culture of the 'gaucho' the Argentine cowboy. Bariloche is like Lake Tahoe or Lake Geneva. It's a small mountain resort town nestled in the mountains with stunning alpine lakes and beautiful vistas. I believe it was settled originally by lot's of the Germans fleeing World War II. So it definitely has a Swiss/German Alps kind of feel to it.
I guess, what this post is trying to portray is that, even when you feel most out of sorts, most disconnected from you center, your soul, your heart, you can find your way if you let go of your fears and embrace your now. I know that when I was crying on my bed in Hostel Recoleta, I was just letting it all flow out of me. At the time I characterized it as fear. But as I look back on it now, I see how brave I was, I see how there really wasn't anything to be frighten of and that everything was there for me to learn from, to experience and to express love through and for.
If I had placed up a barrier around me, I might not have stayed up till dawn one night with my new friends watching the sun come up over the city. I might not have made friends with Erica, with whom now, even though she lives in the UK and we've not seen each other in five years, I know I'd be able to sit right down with her and start the conversation where we left it. I know that if I had placed that barrier, my whole life, as it is now, would be a little different. Like, for instance, I may have never met Martin, married him and had Ziggy. I mean, it's just amazing to look back on life and see just how wonderful it is. Why, oh why do I have such a hard time recognizing it's beauty in the very moment?
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Arrival at Ezeiza, Buenos Aires, Argentina ~ November 3rd, 2004
It's always been this way with me. A whim.... A fantasy..... A dream....
I get this whim and there I go. It was like that when I applied to university. It was like that when I moved out to Lake Tahoe. It was like that when I moved to San Luis Obispo. And now, it was definitely feeling like it as I sat, restlessly, in the La Guardia Airport awaiting my flight to Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Yet, quite honestly, I am not like the Fool in a Tarot deck , who leaps before he looks. I actually relish pre-trip planning. It has always brought me much satisfaction.
I mean, it wasn't like I had no idea where I was going... I spent months researching various locations according to my World Points Rewards destinations. I knew that I wanted to go some place warm, some place I could improve my Spanish and some place where the infrastructure wasn't too alarming for a 'gringa' like me. After much deliberation, I chose Argentina. Ironically, it worked out quite well for me financially, because historically Argentina was always more expensive than Chile, but due to the "Crisis" in the late 1990's, Argentina became much more affordable for the international traveler; and I would soon discover, that there was a kind of unique 'renasance' occurring organically in a country with such cultivation and appreciation of the 'new' and 'beautiful'.
On the flight, I sat next to an Argentinean woman who lived in Buenos Aires, but traveled frequently between there and the US. She was remarried, living outside the vast capital city of 13 million, and had a daughter, approximately my age (much younger) who was attending the Universidad de Buenos Aires (UBA) as an engineer. We had an engaging conversation until I divulged my plans to essentially assemble my road bike in the Ezezia Airport and ride into the city. She vehemently opposed. She said, that, God-forbid should I be her daughter and she was my mother, she'd only hoped that some woman would do the same for her daughter. She insisted that I accompany her and that her husband would then take me into the city to find my hostel.
There I was, inside a very small, foreign car (sorry, guys, I don't know the make of the freakin' car!!) but it was like a Fiat or Seat.....anyway, there I was, my HUGE bicycle box and I sardined into the back of the car with them squabbling in (what at the time, to me, was a completely foreign language). Then at times, they'd look back over their shoulder to engage me, "Jill, there is the blah, blah, blah" or "Jill, where is your hostel again?" and, my favorite, "Jill, why did American re-elect George Bush?"
So, at their 'quinto' which means, 'house outside the city' they gave me an 'alfajor' (small chocolate cake-like treat...think Little Debbie Cakes) and a Coke. Then, her husband took me into the city. It was strange to drive into a city so grand, so busy, so beautiful. There were these amazing avenues lined with trees and tall buildings with architecture similar to France or Italy. I admit, I had never seen anything like it. Upon reaching the hostel I had registered for, we discovered that it, in fact, no longer existed. (This apparently was common in the new era of international tourism here). We rang and rang the bell without luck. So, I picked the second hostel in my guide and they had a room available. We drove over there and with that very move, that very, variable in time, that very alteration in my plan, my entire life changed.
I get this whim and there I go. It was like that when I applied to university. It was like that when I moved out to Lake Tahoe. It was like that when I moved to San Luis Obispo. And now, it was definitely feeling like it as I sat, restlessly, in the La Guardia Airport awaiting my flight to Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Yet, quite honestly, I am not like the Fool in a Tarot deck , who leaps before he looks. I actually relish pre-trip planning. It has always brought me much satisfaction.
I mean, it wasn't like I had no idea where I was going... I spent months researching various locations according to my World Points Rewards destinations. I knew that I wanted to go some place warm, some place I could improve my Spanish and some place where the infrastructure wasn't too alarming for a 'gringa' like me. After much deliberation, I chose Argentina. Ironically, it worked out quite well for me financially, because historically Argentina was always more expensive than Chile, but due to the "Crisis" in the late 1990's, Argentina became much more affordable for the international traveler; and I would soon discover, that there was a kind of unique 'renasance' occurring organically in a country with such cultivation and appreciation of the 'new' and 'beautiful'.
On the flight, I sat next to an Argentinean woman who lived in Buenos Aires, but traveled frequently between there and the US. She was remarried, living outside the vast capital city of 13 million, and had a daughter, approximately my age (much younger) who was attending the Universidad de Buenos Aires (UBA) as an engineer. We had an engaging conversation until I divulged my plans to essentially assemble my road bike in the Ezezia Airport and ride into the city. She vehemently opposed. She said, that, God-forbid should I be her daughter and she was my mother, she'd only hoped that some woman would do the same for her daughter. She insisted that I accompany her and that her husband would then take me into the city to find my hostel.
There I was, inside a very small, foreign car (sorry, guys, I don't know the make of the freakin' car!!) but it was like a Fiat or Seat.....anyway, there I was, my HUGE bicycle box and I sardined into the back of the car with them squabbling in (what at the time, to me, was a completely foreign language). Then at times, they'd look back over their shoulder to engage me, "Jill, there is the blah, blah, blah" or "Jill, where is your hostel again?" and, my favorite, "Jill, why did American re-elect George Bush?"
So, at their 'quinto' which means, 'house outside the city' they gave me an 'alfajor' (small chocolate cake-like treat...think Little Debbie Cakes) and a Coke. Then, her husband took me into the city. It was strange to drive into a city so grand, so busy, so beautiful. There were these amazing avenues lined with trees and tall buildings with architecture similar to France or Italy. I admit, I had never seen anything like it. Upon reaching the hostel I had registered for, we discovered that it, in fact, no longer existed. (This apparently was common in the new era of international tourism here). We rang and rang the bell without luck. So, I picked the second hostel in my guide and they had a room available. We drove over there and with that very move, that very, variable in time, that very alteration in my plan, my entire life changed.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Impermance
This word has been on my mind lately. And then I "Googled" it. First of all, let me state that I just love that we as a nation have turned a company name into a verb. Here in America, that sort of shit happens all the time and it truly defines "American" ingenuity and culture to a great extent. I am in favor of it, in many cases.
So, impermanence....well, Webster's will say that it is the state of being impermanent. Not so helpful. But it gives a host of wonderful synonyms that I just simply fell in love immediately. Ones like: ephemerality, evanescence, fleetingness, and transience. Wow! I had no idea. I mean, I had an idea, but it was so tempered and restricted by my cultural upbringing and education. But these words together, afford a new perspective on the word impermanence entirely. I get giddy thinking how might I include such words in my every day language.
"Oh, excuse me; I was caught in a state of fleetingness and did not realize I cut your off in traffic." "My evanescence simply does not allow me to hear your complaints at this time."
Life, as we know it, could really all be very much imagined. In our heads. The "tapes" that replay over and over. Much of what we experience isn't real in the sense that it's actually happening; most of it; is a result of what we perceive and project. We're so busy with the mind and the voices, judgments and fears in our heads that we are not actually living in the very moment of now.... And that, is our disconnection with our state of impermanence.
Why Impermanence, you might ask...? Well, gosh, do I have to be so blunt? Is it just me, or is life a daily experiment in how we relate and react or respond to impermanence? The very nature of day turning to night and then back to day is a constant reminder that our world is in flux. As I write this blog, we are coming towards the Autumn Equinox; the time when days become shorter and shorter until we reach the shortest day of the year. Then suddenly, everything changes again, and it becomes Spring and a new cycle of life, day after day repeats itself.
I was thinking about the impermanence of Facebook and what an ironically indelible manifestation it has created in our society. We post things, that, for that moment in time seem so important, yet, as days, even now, seconds pass by, the prominent passage we've interjected into the flow of information, which seemed so necessary, so obvious, soon disappears into the vast "older posts" dominion of cyber-life. It's lost in the cyber-river of information on the web; which in itself, is an ephemeral world we rely upon for connection to others; ironically instead of interacting with others face to face. My goodness sakes, my mind is spinning!
For, just four months ago I was lamenting on the oppression I felt from one individual, but, today, I can proclaim that I miraculously find peace and solitude in the "what is". The impermanence of life eludes us daily, yet becomes so evident in a historical context.
I am taking yet another fantastic class with the Ventura Center for Spiritual Living. This one is called, Foundations, and it's really about the foundation of the development behind Science of Mind (SOM); how it was formed, and the core set of principles and beliefs. I was reading one excerpt from a Reverend Christian Sorensen, D.D. (and I apologize for not knowing who Mr. Sorensen is or what D.D. means....); however, he was speaking in regards to grace. And, again, the focus in SOM is on what is, not what one perceives.
"To rest in Spirit, one's desires vanish and needs disappear because every need was met before becoming aware of it. Living by grace allows Spirit to express to it fullness. In this pure state of being, prayers are no longer for something, because that means there is a desire. Prayers become simply listening; this allows the power of the God-thought through. Of course it's the "I" who first starts the listening but that "I" dissolves into the Wholeness and the prayer becomes a Divine Proclamation. This graceful approach lets in the warmth, color and love of God's kingdom made manifest as your life."
I spent a lot of time in my life wishing for things and then lamenting when they didn't manifest. I am realizing that once you put a label on it; once you attach yourself and all your desires, judgments, etc. to it, you limit it, you bog it down and it has a hard time manifesting because it wasn't set free to be what the Universe knows it to be. The way to peace is the way of impermanence because you release all expectations, doubts, fears, etc.. and just allow yourself to be, in this very present moment, that is, for only this moment and then it's gone but the beauty of it all is that a new moment is always there for us....
The way of the Buddha will talk about 'impermanence' as "an undeniable and inescapable fact of human existence from which nothing that belongs to this earth is ever free". I don't think they mean we are eternally damned to this life as it is. I think they mean that our desires and human tendencies trap us into our "constructed" reality. When we free ourselves from those desires, we become, like a true enlightened Buddha, free from the entanglements of life as we (us humans) know it. Pema Chodron would say it was the Ego. The ego, according to her, is the root of all suffering, because it will try to narrow down definitions of our thoughts so that it can control them; thereby controlling our actions, thereby securing it's own future.
I remember when I read Siddhartha for the first time. What struck me most from that story, was when the Buddha was sitting near the river and he noticed how the water moved by so quickly and that it never was really ever "there". There was a constant impermanence to the river, just as there was to time, and therefore we too are impermanent. If there was no time, then there must be no suffering. If there was no suffering, then there must only be joy. I think that is sort of how it went. I am still a little confused on the simplistic thinking that if there is only impermanence, then there is no suffering and therefore only joy... I mean, we experience pain and suffering...don't we? Isn't it real when it is happening? If we lose a loved one, can you really say that the pain you feel from that loss isn't real?
I guess, what it may come down to this: the Universe holds Everything. In It there is joy and suffering, loss and gain, plenitude and lack, love and hate, etc. We, as beings, conscious of our existence, get to choose what we want to feel and therefore express in our lives. It's that choice that makes the idea of impermanence so fertile. We get to create, moment by moment, the life we chose. What a blessing that is. Whoever gave us that gift should be praised, no?
I'm not saying, run out and scream "Lord Jesus, you are my Savior!" for that really has no relevance in this discussion. (and personally that gives me a whole host of unpleasant reactions, none the least, require inter-venal injections of heavy doses of wine).
What I am saying, however, is that, we, as humans, on this planet, have been blessed with so much. Natural resources provide for us; space and time allow us to experience and access those natural resources; we have opportunities to interact with other beings with which we can love, create with and learn from.
We, by no means, are a perfect civilization; however, we do have one thing that unites us, and that is that we are human, here on this planet, with Spiritual natures or tendencies. We could try, perhaps, to find the commonalities vs. looking only at the differences. Starting with our own intimate relationships, we may just be able to transform our very communities and thereby transform something grander. It's just an idea, right? But, seriously folks, what else do we really have?
So, finally, a quick shout out to my ex-husband, who after many months of being, what I would publicly say, difficult, has turned quite radically into the person I fell in love with over 4 years ago. And that's not to say "it was all his fault alone". No, I had a grand hand in the storm we created. It's as if the tragedy we passed through has allowed us to rediscover our true selves again. Amidst the rubble of our past suffering, we've found that in the present moment, there is a lot of love. And, Ziggy, our dear son teaches us the value of impermanence every day.
And this I've learned: no need to cry anymore over spilled milk. It's time to move on....time is, after all, moving on too..... Tick-tock, tick-tock.....
So, impermanence....well, Webster's will say that it is the state of being impermanent. Not so helpful. But it gives a host of wonderful synonyms that I just simply fell in love immediately. Ones like: ephemerality, evanescence, fleetingness, and transience. Wow! I had no idea. I mean, I had an idea, but it was so tempered and restricted by my cultural upbringing and education. But these words together, afford a new perspective on the word impermanence entirely. I get giddy thinking how might I include such words in my every day language.
"Oh, excuse me; I was caught in a state of fleetingness and did not realize I cut your off in traffic." "My evanescence simply does not allow me to hear your complaints at this time."
Life, as we know it, could really all be very much imagined. In our heads. The "tapes" that replay over and over. Much of what we experience isn't real in the sense that it's actually happening; most of it; is a result of what we perceive and project. We're so busy with the mind and the voices, judgments and fears in our heads that we are not actually living in the very moment of now.... And that, is our disconnection with our state of impermanence.
Why Impermanence, you might ask...? Well, gosh, do I have to be so blunt? Is it just me, or is life a daily experiment in how we relate and react or respond to impermanence? The very nature of day turning to night and then back to day is a constant reminder that our world is in flux. As I write this blog, we are coming towards the Autumn Equinox; the time when days become shorter and shorter until we reach the shortest day of the year. Then suddenly, everything changes again, and it becomes Spring and a new cycle of life, day after day repeats itself. I was thinking about the impermanence of Facebook and what an ironically indelible manifestation it has created in our society. We post things, that, for that moment in time seem so important, yet, as days, even now, seconds pass by, the prominent passage we've interjected into the flow of information, which seemed so necessary, so obvious, soon disappears into the vast "older posts" dominion of cyber-life. It's lost in the cyber-river of information on the web; which in itself, is an ephemeral world we rely upon for connection to others; ironically instead of interacting with others face to face. My goodness sakes, my mind is spinning!
For, just four months ago I was lamenting on the oppression I felt from one individual, but, today, I can proclaim that I miraculously find peace and solitude in the "what is". The impermanence of life eludes us daily, yet becomes so evident in a historical context.
I am taking yet another fantastic class with the Ventura Center for Spiritual Living. This one is called, Foundations, and it's really about the foundation of the development behind Science of Mind (SOM); how it was formed, and the core set of principles and beliefs. I was reading one excerpt from a Reverend Christian Sorensen, D.D. (and I apologize for not knowing who Mr. Sorensen is or what D.D. means....); however, he was speaking in regards to grace. And, again, the focus in SOM is on what is, not what one perceives.
"To rest in Spirit, one's desires vanish and needs disappear because every need was met before becoming aware of it. Living by grace allows Spirit to express to it fullness. In this pure state of being, prayers are no longer for something, because that means there is a desire. Prayers become simply listening; this allows the power of the God-thought through. Of course it's the "I" who first starts the listening but that "I" dissolves into the Wholeness and the prayer becomes a Divine Proclamation. This graceful approach lets in the warmth, color and love of God's kingdom made manifest as your life."
I spent a lot of time in my life wishing for things and then lamenting when they didn't manifest. I am realizing that once you put a label on it; once you attach yourself and all your desires, judgments, etc. to it, you limit it, you bog it down and it has a hard time manifesting because it wasn't set free to be what the Universe knows it to be. The way to peace is the way of impermanence because you release all expectations, doubts, fears, etc.. and just allow yourself to be, in this very present moment, that is, for only this moment and then it's gone but the beauty of it all is that a new moment is always there for us....
The way of the Buddha will talk about 'impermanence' as "an undeniable and inescapable fact of human existence from which nothing that belongs to this earth is ever free". I don't think they mean we are eternally damned to this life as it is. I think they mean that our desires and human tendencies trap us into our "constructed" reality. When we free ourselves from those desires, we become, like a true enlightened Buddha, free from the entanglements of life as we (us humans) know it. Pema Chodron would say it was the Ego. The ego, according to her, is the root of all suffering, because it will try to narrow down definitions of our thoughts so that it can control them; thereby controlling our actions, thereby securing it's own future.
I remember when I read Siddhartha for the first time. What struck me most from that story, was when the Buddha was sitting near the river and he noticed how the water moved by so quickly and that it never was really ever "there". There was a constant impermanence to the river, just as there was to time, and therefore we too are impermanent. If there was no time, then there must be no suffering. If there was no suffering, then there must only be joy. I think that is sort of how it went. I am still a little confused on the simplistic thinking that if there is only impermanence, then there is no suffering and therefore only joy... I mean, we experience pain and suffering...don't we? Isn't it real when it is happening? If we lose a loved one, can you really say that the pain you feel from that loss isn't real?
I guess, what it may come down to this: the Universe holds Everything. In It there is joy and suffering, loss and gain, plenitude and lack, love and hate, etc. We, as beings, conscious of our existence, get to choose what we want to feel and therefore express in our lives. It's that choice that makes the idea of impermanence so fertile. We get to create, moment by moment, the life we chose. What a blessing that is. Whoever gave us that gift should be praised, no?
I'm not saying, run out and scream "Lord Jesus, you are my Savior!" for that really has no relevance in this discussion. (and personally that gives me a whole host of unpleasant reactions, none the least, require inter-venal injections of heavy doses of wine).
What I am saying, however, is that, we, as humans, on this planet, have been blessed with so much. Natural resources provide for us; space and time allow us to experience and access those natural resources; we have opportunities to interact with other beings with which we can love, create with and learn from.
We, by no means, are a perfect civilization; however, we do have one thing that unites us, and that is that we are human, here on this planet, with Spiritual natures or tendencies. We could try, perhaps, to find the commonalities vs. looking only at the differences. Starting with our own intimate relationships, we may just be able to transform our very communities and thereby transform something grander. It's just an idea, right? But, seriously folks, what else do we really have?
 |
| Isn't he gorgeous!? |
And this I've learned: no need to cry anymore over spilled milk. It's time to move on....time is, after all, moving on too..... Tick-tock, tick-tock.....
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Prompts
I took a class a few months back, (ok, the guy had bad hair, but he has good ideas) in which he speaks of "prompts" as one tool used to change behaviors. The theory is based on psychological evidence which show that prompts repeated over and over for a certain period of time, help people change their behavior. As an environmental educator and policy maker for over 15 years, I've often struggled with how to actually enact a change in behavior in people that I am educating.
It's not easy. Take recycling for example. It's a rather accepted social behavior success story. They established a need, they provided a tool for citizens to utilize and then they profited by the success of the invention. For instance, a study conducted in 2007, shows that 3/4 of US residents Do recycle, but that does leave 1/4 who Do not. More than 25% of US Americans DO NOT participate, in some way to the recycling process in any means definable, such as: recycling, observance of simple marketing campaigns, requesting a change in service and most importantly, initiating a change in behavior; i.e. recycling everywhere and anywhere possible.
It's a widely held belief that recycling is one of social behavior modification programs which is fairly successful. Yet, prompts only work to a certain extent in changing behaviors. That is why social marketing uses many other tools, such as peer pressure, targeted multimedia campaigns, among others.
So, to focus on me (because, after all, it is all about me) I was noticing, that after having moved into my home recently, that I am always reaching for the light switch and I find it's not where I reach. It's on the opposite side of the doorway. And, I was caught by the idea that each time I reached for a light switch, it was, essentially, a "prompt". One thing that became apparent to me quite immediately, is that I am essentially re-training myself to find the light switch. And, I admit, that I become irate when I reach for it and it isn't there. Especially when I am rushed. Hmmmm......Is there a metaphor here??
As I move from room to room, what I notice is a almost unconscious reaction to reach for a certain direction and/or position for the light switch. I find this particularly interesting because I am in such a period of self reflection right now and wanting to change certain learned behaviors. I haven't spent much effort on "prompting" myself in this endeavor and it made me think, that just as it will take time and repetition to change my behavior to adapt to my new environment, it will take time and repetition to change myself.
I remember arguing with my ex about where to place the light switch for the bathroom in our old place based on visitor comfort and his need/opinion. In the end, we settled with a solution that made little sense to the user of the bathroom, but that made perfect sense to the "man" installing the electricity. And every time I would turn on the switch I'd think of that argument. Weird, huh?
Now, in my new home, when I reach for the light switch and find it's on the other side, I often think of how sad I am to be alone, in a different home; I remember the arguments and I remember the darn light switch in my old house. Funny how the subconscious tenaciously holds onto those sad memories.
Ah, but there is one marvelous aspect to this whole thing: you! Or me, or I, me, myself, you, yourself....the fact that we are our own minds, hearts, spirits and individual selves means we have a choice in how we react. Or better, yet, how we respond. I can chose not to think of the sad memories! I can chose to say a little prayer and count my blessings each time I can't find that darn switch. And it can be done in so many other ways...not just the light switches, but the person who cuts you off while driving, the parking space you didn't get, the broken finger nail, the stubbed toe, the bill that you forgot to pay, the fee that you owe, the friend who didn't call, the boss who was brusque.....They are all 'prompts' and they are offering you a choice. Aren't they so friendly and kind?
When I find myself reacting I am going to try and remember to respond. A conditioned response is so much more graceful and poised. Sure, I won't catch myself every time. It's not about perfection. It's the journey towards perfection that makes life worth living.
Maybe, I can use my new home environment as an experiment in a way to teach myself to speak kindly every time I reach for the wrong side of the doorway; maybe I can use it as a reminder of what is good in my life, versus focusing on what I sense that I lack. I've been so blessed in this life. Even with the loss and the trauma, I've discovered diamonds in the rough stuff of life. I've rediscovered the beauty not only in myself, but also in the dark corners of unknown territories; as I get close to those places, the view opens up, the light shines bright and I see that things are not as scary as I had first presumed.
It's not easy. Take recycling for example. It's a rather accepted social behavior success story. They established a need, they provided a tool for citizens to utilize and then they profited by the success of the invention. For instance, a study conducted in 2007, shows that 3/4 of US residents Do recycle, but that does leave 1/4 who Do not. More than 25% of US Americans DO NOT participate, in some way to the recycling process in any means definable, such as: recycling, observance of simple marketing campaigns, requesting a change in service and most importantly, initiating a change in behavior; i.e. recycling everywhere and anywhere possible.
It's a widely held belief that recycling is one of social behavior modification programs which is fairly successful. Yet, prompts only work to a certain extent in changing behaviors. That is why social marketing uses many other tools, such as peer pressure, targeted multimedia campaigns, among others.
So, to focus on me (because, after all, it is all about me) I was noticing, that after having moved into my home recently, that I am always reaching for the light switch and I find it's not where I reach. It's on the opposite side of the doorway. And, I was caught by the idea that each time I reached for a light switch, it was, essentially, a "prompt". One thing that became apparent to me quite immediately, is that I am essentially re-training myself to find the light switch. And, I admit, that I become irate when I reach for it and it isn't there. Especially when I am rushed. Hmmmm......Is there a metaphor here??
As I move from room to room, what I notice is a almost unconscious reaction to reach for a certain direction and/or position for the light switch. I find this particularly interesting because I am in such a period of self reflection right now and wanting to change certain learned behaviors. I haven't spent much effort on "prompting" myself in this endeavor and it made me think, that just as it will take time and repetition to change my behavior to adapt to my new environment, it will take time and repetition to change myself.
I remember arguing with my ex about where to place the light switch for the bathroom in our old place based on visitor comfort and his need/opinion. In the end, we settled with a solution that made little sense to the user of the bathroom, but that made perfect sense to the "man" installing the electricity. And every time I would turn on the switch I'd think of that argument. Weird, huh?
Now, in my new home, when I reach for the light switch and find it's on the other side, I often think of how sad I am to be alone, in a different home; I remember the arguments and I remember the darn light switch in my old house. Funny how the subconscious tenaciously holds onto those sad memories.
Ah, but there is one marvelous aspect to this whole thing: you! Or me, or I, me, myself, you, yourself....the fact that we are our own minds, hearts, spirits and individual selves means we have a choice in how we react. Or better, yet, how we respond. I can chose not to think of the sad memories! I can chose to say a little prayer and count my blessings each time I can't find that darn switch. And it can be done in so many other ways...not just the light switches, but the person who cuts you off while driving, the parking space you didn't get, the broken finger nail, the stubbed toe, the bill that you forgot to pay, the fee that you owe, the friend who didn't call, the boss who was brusque.....They are all 'prompts' and they are offering you a choice. Aren't they so friendly and kind?
When I find myself reacting I am going to try and remember to respond. A conditioned response is so much more graceful and poised. Sure, I won't catch myself every time. It's not about perfection. It's the journey towards perfection that makes life worth living.
Maybe, I can use my new home environment as an experiment in a way to teach myself to speak kindly every time I reach for the wrong side of the doorway; maybe I can use it as a reminder of what is good in my life, versus focusing on what I sense that I lack. I've been so blessed in this life. Even with the loss and the trauma, I've discovered diamonds in the rough stuff of life. I've rediscovered the beauty not only in myself, but also in the dark corners of unknown territories; as I get close to those places, the view opens up, the light shines bright and I see that things are not as scary as I had first presumed.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Adrenaline ~ It Can be a Positive Amendment to our Spiritual Gardens
Adrenaline ~ a hormone excreted by the adrenal glands to enable the human body to cope with physical and emotional stress. It's used in literature often to describe a "rush" or "excitement" in moments of great sensation and ardor. Maybe you've heard a story or two where someone, exposed to a great circumstance, is able to lift heavy objects, carry unbelievably heavy loads and/or survive extreme conditions.
In psychological contexts, adrenaline could be associated with the "flight or fight" responses we have to extreme events in our lives; a natural response is fear. Fear, according to some scientific studies actually only lasts as a physical reaction within the body for several seconds.
After that, it's our mind that takes over and replays the scenario again and again. It's at the very moment when the physical response to whatever caused the fear to rise, or the adrenaline to rush, subsides, that we, as conscious human beings can make a choice. Do you choose to respond proactively to fear or do you hide from it? Do you react in defensiveness or anger? Do you suppress it? Do you even feel it or are you so bugged out on medications that you cannot sense it?
Long-term exposure to stress will eventually erode away one's self esteem, and their physical and mental agility. It can even change our breathing patterns, thus altering our internal chemistry due to rapid, shallow or irregular breathing. Long-term exposure to stress can kill us.
It's like when you are totally stressed out, running from something, running towards something and like, for instance, when you lose your phone, your keys or drop something heavy on your piggy toe. You push on forward; you don't even realize the loss or the pain until moments, maybe hours or even days later. The physical sensation has long gone, but the emotional and mental connection may be difficult to release.
I've been thinking about fear lately not because anything bad just happened, but because something miraculous has happened. And try as I might to let myself go with the flow and follow the energy and light of the divine spirit that works in all of our lives, I feel the tendency to tread backwards, towards the waters of fear and defensiveness. The difference between setting a loving boundary for myself and being fearful and reactionary to everyday stress isn't quite clear.
When I left my ex out of fear that my son and me were in danger, the physical reaction to that fear lasted just a few days, at minimum. But in reality what stuck with me was a mental replaying of the experience. I mean, dreams, white knuckle-gripped hands on the steering wheel, tense jaw and clenched teeth, panic attacks, sleepless nights.... the works. It toyed with my physical, mental, spiritual and emotional stability.
Using this energy or emotional response to my advantage is something I totally want to cultivate. Is it like cultivating a garden? Planting the seeds, weeding, tilling and tending the soil? If I allow the response to overpower me and disconnect me from my authentic self, then maybe it is as if I've allowed my spiritual garden to go fallow. And nobody likes a neglected vacant lot. Hmmmm.....interesting analogy....
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Writer's Block....
I am sure it happens to every writer. The moment when there is nothing more that pours out of you like water over a falls. Inspiration seems to have run dry. Desperate, you begin to think of ways to become witty, lively, inspiring in the mundane. And honestly, I do not have anything to give to you tonight.
First off, I've had some rather weird interactions lately that have captivated my attention.
One being, that I contacted the person with whom I lost my virginity. I sent the letter on a Monday and received a call on a Friday. He was apologetic and kind. He said he had always followed me secretly via the internet but never contacted me. He said I had always occupied a special place in his heart. Honestly, the conversation went 4 billion times better than I had imagined it would. I mean, after all these years, I supposed he didn't even remember me. But he did.
I remember the night. I remember the entire experience. Afterward, I totally felt used, abandoned and lost. Gosh, I wonder why? It's not my parents fault that I felt this way, but because they divorced and didn't really talk to me about it, I think I was left with the impression that I was somehow, less than, not worthy, discard-able....and his behavior after the big event was reflective of this assumption. But then he talked about how he had regrets for his behavior. How he had always felt I was someone with "spirit". I was filled with a sense of joy, validation and acceptance.
Or, how about how my ex has asked to "have a date"? I mean, shit, three months ago, I would have jumped at the chance to return to him. Six months ago, I would have called the police for an escort. But now I am a little skeptical and confused. I mean, yes, I do want the family and the love and the companionship, but do I need to battle the insecurities, the judgments, and the cycle of abuse? I mean, is it worth it?
So often when I think I have nothing of value to say, contribute, or share, I find that if I quiet myself and simply "feel" I am very much vocal about what is going on in the world around me. Lately, I've taken to carrying around my "mala beads" with me. Especially when I walk or drive. I can breathe and touch one bead after another affirming that which needs to be affirmed. It helps me remember who I really am. What values, principles, and qualities I have that are worthy and not easily discarded.
So, with so much emptiness and vagueness in my soul tonight, feeling as though I had nothing to share, I see that deep within me there is still so much aching to come out and see the light of day.
I am grateful for recent experiences and exchanges that have left me to realize that the world is a very open place without limitations. We place those limits by what we believe, what we have been taught and what others have pressured us to accept as the truth. The only truth is that which is inside of you. So, maybe this block was not a stopping point, not a road block, but simply a stop light, a delightful detour, a moment in the day to simple be with what is and accept it as such.
First off, I've had some rather weird interactions lately that have captivated my attention.
One being, that I contacted the person with whom I lost my virginity. I sent the letter on a Monday and received a call on a Friday. He was apologetic and kind. He said he had always followed me secretly via the internet but never contacted me. He said I had always occupied a special place in his heart. Honestly, the conversation went 4 billion times better than I had imagined it would. I mean, after all these years, I supposed he didn't even remember me. But he did.
I remember the night. I remember the entire experience. Afterward, I totally felt used, abandoned and lost. Gosh, I wonder why? It's not my parents fault that I felt this way, but because they divorced and didn't really talk to me about it, I think I was left with the impression that I was somehow, less than, not worthy, discard-able....and his behavior after the big event was reflective of this assumption. But then he talked about how he had regrets for his behavior. How he had always felt I was someone with "spirit". I was filled with a sense of joy, validation and acceptance.
Or, how about how my ex has asked to "have a date"? I mean, shit, three months ago, I would have jumped at the chance to return to him. Six months ago, I would have called the police for an escort. But now I am a little skeptical and confused. I mean, yes, I do want the family and the love and the companionship, but do I need to battle the insecurities, the judgments, and the cycle of abuse? I mean, is it worth it? So often when I think I have nothing of value to say, contribute, or share, I find that if I quiet myself and simply "feel" I am very much vocal about what is going on in the world around me. Lately, I've taken to carrying around my "mala beads" with me. Especially when I walk or drive. I can breathe and touch one bead after another affirming that which needs to be affirmed. It helps me remember who I really am. What values, principles, and qualities I have that are worthy and not easily discarded.
So, with so much emptiness and vagueness in my soul tonight, feeling as though I had nothing to share, I see that deep within me there is still so much aching to come out and see the light of day.
I am grateful for recent experiences and exchanges that have left me to realize that the world is a very open place without limitations. We place those limits by what we believe, what we have been taught and what others have pressured us to accept as the truth. The only truth is that which is inside of you. So, maybe this block was not a stopping point, not a road block, but simply a stop light, a delightful detour, a moment in the day to simple be with what is and accept it as such.
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