So, Am I creating this, or is it really happening??

Perfect question for Science of Mind newbie. What is the answer? Well, I don’t know and I’ve asked a lot of my fellow SOM practitioners and yet I know what the response will be…. Hmmm…..perplexing.

So, instinctively, I’d jump to say that, well,  I may need to meditate on this thought a while longer until the truth emerges, I don’t have that kind of time. Nor do you.  Let's get on with it!!!

The SOM philosophy will say that your thoughts create your reality. But what if, you are not really thinking a thought, but rather, really surmising the reaction of a situation? What if someone says or does something for which you are simply attempting to define? What if that which they say is nothing more than a tactic to get a rise out of you?

Well, then, diving deeper, I guess I’d have to admit that we are all no more than mirrors to oneself and if someone said or did something that made you feel a certain way, then there is a huge chance that it is actually less about them and more about you.

So, let’s say for instance, that I feel I am in competition with someone, not because I particularly love to compete (because, honestly I do not) but because I feel a sense of pressure to “perform” from them. Well, if I don’t really like to compete, then where is the pressure to perform coming from?

Me! So, I am, in short, creating the need to compete because what this person says or does makes me feel somehow inferior, less than, in need of proving my worth.

If I go back to the principles of SOM, I will remember (ah! Remembering who I AM) that I am actually pretty darn okay without anyone else’s opinion of me. I am whole, perfect and complete, just as I AM.

So, why do I feel the pressure to perform? Why do I suddenly feel less sure of myself? What did they do or say to knock me off balance? And furthermore, more importantly, why did it affect me so much?

Maybe it has a lot to do with our own need to feel validated and loved? Perhaps we had some kind of unfulfilled need as a child that continues to rear it’s jealous head when someone (acting from their own child’s truth) says or does something that catches us off guard and reminds us of our pain. We try so darn hard to forget the pain. But it is always there. It is actually part of who we are, as this whole, perfect and complete person. Pain does not signify less than perfect. It actually only represents awareness of the truth of who we are.

I mean, if you are anything like me, you are seriously trying to stuff all of that childhood trauma, rejection, abandonment and dysfunction that was so real and present in probably, what, come on, realistically, 99.5% of all of our childhood experiences???

The more I share my winnings and losing’s with my SOM community, I find that I am actually somewhere right in the middle of all of the goodness and the shit. We are all pretty much going through the same darn terrifyingly, annoyingly obvious fact of living as a human beings.

I jokingly told my SOM teacher that I strived to become a Practitioner of SOM mostly because I saw her and the Practitioners as somehow living in this land of Milk and Honey and I so wanted to be there, minus my pain and suffering. Somehow, I wanted to be let into the Club!!!  She laughed, obviously. 

It doesn’t make it easier to say, “well, I guess those that suffer are at least as bad off as me, so therefore I am okay with that”. It makes me sort of melancholy that we all have to suffer so much.

 I know, I know, the Dalai Lama would tell us that we don’t need to suffer; that, in fact, it is our choice to suffer as we do. But, honestly, how many of us will achieve the enlightenment of his Holiness in our lifetime?

We have jobs, and children and bosses who don’t appreciate us, and crazy drivers, and grocery clerks, and thoughts of Armageddon! It’s all freaking’ crazy to think that we could actually be Zen about life when all of this shit is happening!!!!

And yet, science is increasingly pointing towards meditation as a tool for recouping some of our societal ills. Scientists have discovered that meditation can actually help one shift brain waves from the stress-prone right frontal cortex and move them to the calmer left frontal cortex where more stress reduction, more enlighten and more calm self-reflection can occur.

New iPod apps can actually help you with reminders on a daily, even minute to minute basis to stop, breathe, think positive thoughts and smile.

As we, as a society, grow increasingly taxed in our lives, technology may be one tool to help us remain somewhat civil and aware of our tendencies towards utter social distortion. But, we cannot rely on technology to save us. Real, truthful and authentic relationships will be, in the end, my humble opinion, that which saves humanity.

As a blogger, I realize how paradoxical this sounds. But the truth is, that no matter how many words I pour onto this digital paper, the end result is dependent upon the quantity of connections I’ve made. Real or digital, we are all really only just one click away from being totally alone. And that makes competition seem all the more selfish and vulnerable. Those who chose to perpetuate competition for a means of validating their own self worth will soon someday realize that it’s not about the win but about the game (of life) and how it’s played.

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

Feeling Sorry for Oneself

So, this last week I've been a little blue. It kind of hit me that perhaps I am a little, just a smidge, kinda, sorta, self absorbed. OMG!? Really?? Who here has ever felt a little self-absorbed in the past? Ah, yes. So, it’s kind of normal, right? Someone I appreciate recently validated some feelings I was having by saying, “yes, many people feel like that at one time or another” and I was like, “really? You mean I am not the only one?” Because, quite honestly, and I am just being totally honest with you, but at times, I feel like I AM THE ONLY ONE.

Yeah, I know that I am supposed to realize otherwise, but at times, even some of the minor, not-so-huge times, I feel quite alone. I feel like I am the only one who feels the way I do and that no one else could possibly understand. Then I go to get my nails done or I stop by a local coffee shop or maybe I overhear a conversation at the laundry mat and I then it hits me: SMACK! I am not the only one who has hard days.

Even my son, of a whole 3.5 years can admit when he’s reached his limit. Although, most times, it’s not a pleasant experience, we often make due with patience, breathing and lot’s and lot’s of choices.

It kind of hit me today; as invariably most of my posts do, that I, in fact, do not try to plan out my self-care scenarios. Today, I had a woman from the City come and evaluate my ergonomic situation at my desk. Most of what she recommended was common sense, but things I do not take the time to apply. Things like: take a break, meditate, breathe, move your body every 30 minutes, try moving your mouse to your opposite hand, etc…things that, really, we all should probably be doing on an hourly basis, but we don’t.

We don’t because we’d much rather stress that our Facebook page wasn’t viewed or commented upon. We worry that our timecard doesn’t reflect the work we’ve actually been doing. We wonder what our bank account balance is and when it will ever be higher. We look at web pages and pictures of prettier people than ourselves and think that we’ve somehow missed the mark or that we are not enough.

So then I stared to think about what it means to be self absorbed. Because, now, as a SOM practitioner, I am kind of confused. Online dictionaries would define it as being preoccupied with one’s own affairs, or one who’s limited to caring for one’s own needs. So, weird. Self absorbed doesn’t sound as bad as it did when I was 12 years old. Maybe for me, it’s like, because I was never overly self absorbed, but more often self deprecating, this definition seems a bit arrogant to me. But, for someone who has spent a lot of time pursuing and pushing their own agenda, this definition seems a bit dull and unassuming.

And think about it, either way, you are relatively alone in either case. Is that where any of us really wants to be?

When I feel alone, truly alone, these days, instead of fretting that I’ve become some kind of crusader for my own personal existence, I breathe and appreciate that very fact; then I open my eyes and try and find one positive thing in my view. Then I realize, that if I am seeing something good, that I am no longer alone, but that we are all part of that goodness. I try and see that good thing in my life and when I do, I realize that I, in fact, am not separate and alone but rather ONE and CONNECTED. How odd, that by feeling totally centered into my own being, I am actually connected to EVERYTHING ELSE!

It makes life a lot easier to live.

If others did this too, well then, why we’d have a veritable revolution!!! Imagine the idea of entering a grocery store where everyone was thinking that they were connected to one another. Or when you file your IRS taxes documents that the person on the receiving end is actually connected to you in spirit!

It’s not easy to do. Just today, I received a compliment and an invitation to hang out and instead of graciously accepting because I knew that it was ALL GOOD, I let my mind wander on the what if’s and how not’s and the whole thing turning out painfully disappointing.

It takes mental perseverance to achieve mindfulness. I used to think it took freedom from…whatever it was that kept you from being mindful. But now, I do see that mindfulness is really about SELF-ABSORBTION. Without total self awareness and acceptance you cannot and will never ever become the person you wish to become. Without surrender to who you are (absorbing the truth of what is) you will never be able to move into another reality.

　

　

　

I AM

Looking back at my year plus of blog entries I realize that I have used the phrase "I AM" quite a bit.

This blog has been, for me, a personal revelation of what I AM remembering about my life & what has shaped me to become who I AM, to that which I recognize & relate.

But today I sort of thought of how I spend more time thinking about who I AM NOT rather than enjoying what I AM.

When someone compliments me, saying that I am a good writer, I say to myself, I am not a great writer. When someone says I am a good mother, I will say that I am not a great mother.

Today a friend said to me, "Jill, I hear you always talk about what you are not, are you gonna live the rest of your life that way? Can you see what your are, that which is good?"

I struggled with this, I tried to justify what I was saying, I stammered at the moment she looked at me, feeling as though she expected me to say something about what I am. I just broke down into tears.

I find it so easy to say what I AM NOT but I struggle so much with admitting the good stuff.

So, for lack of anything better to believe, here we go....

I AM kind, nurturing, caring, smart, creative, mature, loving, beautiful, sexy, strong and financially stable. I AM a good mother, a survivor, a reliable employee, a trusted friend, an inspiring woman, powerful athlete and a forgiving soul. I AM that and so much more.

Today, I am going to start believing in myself from a place of wholeness, rather than living and reacting from a place of fear.

Why me?

As a newbie to Science of Mind I dove into philosophies of we are all One and nothing and no one is against me, but rather my experiences are all for me to learn, live and love the God qualities available from the Infinite Source of All that Is.

Today, I am asking "why me?". It is hard to be positive and open when things go wrong. So it is.

When you get blind-sided and suddenly realize that you've gotten yourself into a place that isn't where you want to be, how you get yourself out and how you treat yourself after is the most significant struggle; at least it is for me.

I mean, once I realize I'm in a challenging spot, there is the matter-of-fact set of things I need to do to be in a safe place. Leave, call a friend, call the cops...

Then it seems, my biggest lesson to learn shows up. Don't blame myself, don't beat myself up, don't judge or run to my old story.

Not easy to do.

I just read this Rumi poem that I can't remember exactly how it goes but it said something like love is treacherous and violent. It rips through you like a saw through new wood. Searing the membranes, tearing flesh and leaving bits of the whole body behind. That last part, actually is mine.

And maybe, as I write this blog and ask the question, "why me?" it becomes clear. Because I Am.

All I really want...

So funny.  I had a really fun day with my best buddy, Coco.  We went to the Ojai Wine Festival.  And it's been a long time since my mind has been thus clear.  And it's like when I begin to write, I think it is all so clear as to where I will go, but then as I sit down and the whole world opens up to me and I don't exactly know which direction I should go.  

As I write to you about my feelings and fear I realize that sometimes you are listening to me and sometimes you don't really pay attention to what I write.  And sometimes I am given good will and yet sometimes I don't receive any feedback.  I just keep chasing my dreams of being a "writer"; and only you (the reader) can make it real.  I pour my heart out every blog, yet, do you know how I really feel?  That is taken from Edwin McCain, 3 AM song that I hope you will check out and download. 

Steve Earle talked about the Wolftown Bridge where he wrote a song called "Halo 'round the Moon" and he lovingly talks about how the river has been trying to push "Gallway River into Gallway Bay for the last 100 years and Gallway Bay isn't cooperating.   And then he sings, "there's a halo around the moon, so I know it ain't to blame and I knew what love could do yet I loved her anyway, and I let her slip away and I'm all alone and blue and there's a halo around the moon."

 And that so much reminds me of much of the losses of love I've faced in my own life.   And how I so often approach new love or any new endeavor; from a bridge, across a wild river, with hopes of conquering something and yet realizing later that the river had no intention of slowing down in the first place.

So where does this leave us?  Well, my sneaking suspicion is that we are lost and left to the reality that surrounds us. 

I can tell you that it is not that easy to figure out.  I certainly like watching the waves bust upon the shore and the fog roll onto the hills and think love is on my side.  I see the homeless person beg for dimes at the main street intersection and wonder how he got there.  I love that the city manager shows up at community events to lift trash out of the riverbed.  And the train whistle blows and shakes my windows as it passes by.   Life is: quite simply: amazing.  And as, Widespread Panic so amply conveyed in the 90's.  Life is Grand. 

Watching people roll by and wondering where they are going.  And what 's your job and what do you know??

The truth of it all is that in the very moment that we belive we've got it all figured out it becomes evident that there is a whole other world of possibilities.  As soon as you think you know it all the world blows your mind.  What a magnificent gift to experience. 

And I know that it isn't always magical and perfect.  Blind Melon wished for someone to stay with them while it rained.  And truthfully, it's all we can hope for; someone who only wants to spend time with us even when the weather is foul; because the truth is that the weather changes all the time. 

My dear friend told me she wants to 'move on' to some place else that has "more for her" and I can't help but think of my gurus, Blind Melon, Widespread Panic, Steve Earl and dear ol' Edwin McCain.  I would, if I had the guts to ask her to her face, "do you think my my point of view is not sain"?  I'd share with her that there is no shelter from the storm.  And I tell her that love would hold no charm if it were not for the pain. 

It's 3 am and I am my heart is still dreaming.  Outside I hear the souls screaming, dear Edwin sang.  I think the truth is that no matter where you go, you will find that after all the moving and all the new shit that comes, you are nothing more than you, there where you are and that is the biggest shit you need to deal with.  Not your locale, not your boss, not your boyfriend, not your best friend, but you. And yes, it's kind of like how that dam river is trying to push itself into the bay; it's not exactly graceful.  But it's real.   

And whatever she decides, I know that I will love her.  I will miss her when she is gone but love her for lingering on. 

One Year Anniversary...

Happy Anniversary to me!  And what a special occasion this represents for me: a relationship with me!  For the first time in my life I can honestly say without looking down at the ground and shrugging my shoulders that I love myself!  I believe I am worthy of the love I desire!  Nothing and no one is against me; yet rather, the whole Universe is here for me to express and experience the mysterious gifts of Infinite Spirit (or God, Buddha, Earth Mother, or whomever you want to relate to...)

So, this last year, in my relationship with myself I've gleaned a few pieces of wisdom that I will carry forward with me... eh-he, now I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you and the method behind my madness.... I am not sure if many of you realize just how this post gets written?  It is, I confess, quite unabashedly, from a concoction of good music and cheap libations.  Often inspired by some random off-put experience throughout the week that summons a memory from my crazy life. 

Here is a starter: In the words of the great Bobbie Ferrin, "Don't worry, be happy".  And, from the Master, Michael Franti, "Everybody deserves love".  Both James Blunt and Nelly Furtado said, "You're Beautiful" and I agreed, finally.  And from Des'ree, "You gotta be bad, bold you gotta be wiser... all I know is love will save the day".

In the last year I created a home, grew a community of friends, gotten a raise and promotion at work, released a whole shit-load of my old stories that were doing nothing more than weighing me down and holding me back, attended weekly counseling, attended monthly personal development classes, improved and mended damaged relationships, maintained a healthy weight and more importantly a healthy body image, and continued to raise a pretty darn cool kid. 

I find myself asking difficult questions at times, like "was it all worth it?" or "would I go back if he changed?"  And to tell you the truth, I think I am pretty happy how things have worked themselves out.  I believe that, should I enter into another relationship, this time I honestly feel like my boundaries will become more relevant messages in daily conversation.  Not because I am selfish, but because I am worth it. 

Ziggy is a tremendous gauge for me on whether or not we did the right thing.  Maybe we could have done it differently, but the end result has done nothing but good for that little boy.  The fighting and the sadness was working on his poor little heart.  And at such and early age to have that kind of trauma!  Poor little dude.  Now, however, he is rather content and certainly adjusted to the changes.  He is, in fact, quite normal.  What a blessing. 

As I move into this next 7 year cycle of my life I am sort of deliberately focusing on some of my goals and wants and things I'd like to manifest.  The last 15 years I never really consciously focused on much of what I was doing with my life.  I think, however, the next 7 -1 5 will be very different for me.  Who knows what's in store for me?  Love?  Fame?  Financial Freedom?  All of it?  Let it so be! 

Just a quick shout-out to EVERYONE who helped me survive the last year.  You know who you are.  Much love and giggles I send your way! 

El Bondi

While living in Buenos Aires I discovered the joys of public transit. The Porteños lovingly refer to their local buses as "bondis" and more formally "collectivos". Knowing and feeling confident to ride the bondi's in Buenos Aires took some effort and memorizing the little map guide, however, gave this somewhat tentative, yet surely intrepid new resident a new found sense of independence.

It was before I had decided to "live" in Buenos Aires actually.  I remember the day I decided to "get lost" on the buses in an effort to truly learn the system.  Andres, the Hostel employee and new friend, suggested that I purchase a guide.  This wasn't as easy as one would think.  I went to several new stands looking for one without much luck and then realized that I had to purchase one from a local street kid on the bus or subway for $3 pesos. 


Once in hand, it was as if the entire city was there at my finger tips.  I can only imagine the first iPhone app for travellers to be developed (actually, Omnilineas sort of has), but for now, the old fashioned way seems to work marvelously.  If you  haven't used a map in a while, it might be a bit intimidating.  I know many of my younger friends who rely all too frequently on their smart phones might find it a bit awkward. 

I remember vividly, if you took the 152 line, you'd be taken over to La Boca where you could check out the historic old neighborhoods famous for Tango and futbol.  Or the 64 line was a quick one from where I lived in Palermo Hollywood into downtown, near Retiro.  I could take the 124 to Corrientes for a day of bargain shopping.  Or, if I had recently gotten paid, I'd prefer to head to Puyerredon, an upscale, leafy, tree-lined shopping district on foot.  Or, to visit one of my girlfriends and perhaps indulge in a little Argentinean-style bowling, I'd take the 166 to Villa Crespa. 



The truth is, I really and fully immersed myself in the lifestyle, culture and essence which is Buenos Aires.  In 6 short months, I easily managed the city via bondi, subte, by foot and even by bicycle.  It feels like a lifetime ago.   What I wouldn't give to be back there again...anything except Ziggy, of course.