Baking a Spiritual Cake

I am struggling today.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had a minor medical procedure this morning and as a result, I was so drugged out that when I finally woke today at 5 pm I had no idea where I was or what time it was.  Maybe it has something to do with my period coming any day now.  I always get a little emotional at this time of the month.  Maybe it's because while I read through the books and go through the therapy and do the meditations, I am still, deep down, struggling with being in love with my ex-husband.  Maybe I'm not in love with him really, but the idea of him and what he represented to me.  Maybe it's because regardless of how much I focus on the positive, the good in my life,  and letting go of the pain of the past, I still want to be part of a family.  It's like I've got all these ingredients to make a lovely cake, but I am still missing something.

I threw my tarot cards today.  A simple, daily spread for (1) what was the important aspect of the day, (2) what to be mindful of (3) and what desires and/or projections I may have.   I received Justice, which basically means that I am focused on things like organizing paperwork for the divorce and making sure that I am not getting screwed over by my ex.  But much more than that, it suggests that the laws of justice are working for me.  That which has happened in the past will be redeemed with new, good opportunities and blessings in the future.  I received 9 of Swords which means that I am to be mindful of the despair and sadness that follows me still.  It's always darkest before the dawn and in essence a new dawn is on the horizon.  And finally, I received the 10 of Pentacles that depicts the ideal happy family.  The one I so desire yet seems impossible for me to achieve.  This card cautions, however, to be weary because the reality isn't always as good as the idealized.  In short, be careful what you wish for.

Funny that I had been thinking of that stuff prior to throwing the cards.  And even in my complete post-procedure haze I had an intense feeling of mournfulness for something for which I couldn't quite put my finger on.  Then, out of the blue, my ex-husband sent a text inviting me out for a drink and a nice conversation.....hmmm.  This sends shivers down my spine.  Fears of rejection, manipulation and deception encircle.  What does he want?  What is he going to try and encourage me to do for him?  How will I be hurt this time?  Because the conundrum is that while I know I should be placing healthy boundaries around me to protect myself, I still let him in out of the desire to be together again. 

If old Ernest Holmes was standing next to me, he'd perhaps tap me on the shoulder and remind me "that it is done unto me as I believe".  So, if I keep the fears and doubts and the sadness and pain of rejection inside of me when I see him, I will obviously be rewarded in kind.  It seems totally naive of me to go and have a drink with him and act like I am not dying inside.  I guess, however, that is where those handy boundaries come into play.  I mean, I can still love him and want to have a family with him.  But I don't have to wear my pain on my sleeve.  I can hold it close to my heart, close to God and allow it to breathe as I breathe, hear, observe and contemplate the meaning in a safe, loving space.

Maybe to you it sounds naive and childish that I haven't learned how to interact with my ex-husband.  But there it is.  My little girl inside still wants the fairy tale; my hurt and violated outer self wants justice and the truth is somewhere in between.  Even if I can act brave and healed on the outside, inside there is a woman who is devastatingly sad for the loss of what she believed to be her destiny.

Hmmmm....Do unto him as  I believe.  Do I believe I am silly and naive?  Do I believe that my life is worse or better now?  Do I believe he has some kind of power over me?  Or, is the power inside of me greater than any power because it is the power of Spirit?  As I believe.  hmmm....  What if it's not about simply believing in one thing, but how one believes.  So even though I am sad for my loss and fearful for my future I can redirect my energy to be open to what is, as it is.  I can love myself just the same; with or without this sadness.  But it's the loving of myself that is the key ingredient.  It's like the baking soda in the cake mix.  No one really tastes it but without it the cake won't rise.

Why "Should's" shouldn't be....

Have you ever had someone say to you, "well, you should...."? Oh, how irritating, right? Not only are they obviously not listening to you (because they forgot to validate what you just said to them) but they also are making assumptions about you based on their own beliefs and values. I've had a lot of people tell me what I should do in the last 30 or so years of my life. I haven't always been mindful in how I react to those should's, what they trigger in me, and where the should's seem to be coming from. It wasn't until recently that I even became aware that the should's were assumptions. I mean, honestly, I think I listened to the should's like they had some kind of authority. What insanity. Isn't it the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over expecting different results? Well, here I have been living, hearing and trying to respond to the should's always anticipating that somehow I'd achieve nirvana and meet the expectations of the should-giver. Yet, now, I think, it's becoming apparent that many should-givers don't really know what they want from me, let alone anyone or anything in life. All they are doing is trying to make life be what they want, what feels good for them because they are so immature and underdeveloped emotionally that they cannot conceive a life beyond should's. It's all they know.

Louise Hay says that "should is one of the most damaging words in our language". Because every time we use it, we are in essence saying, "wrong". She suggests removing 'should' and replacing it with 'could'. It's marvelously freeing to do so. Try it. "I should forgive so-and-so...." implies that if I don't I am somehow wrong, less benevolent, more judgmental, maybe even selfish. But if I rephrase it, "I could forgive so-and-so if I so chose, but here are my reasons why I've not done so....." Wow! What power that affords you!

The book, The Four Agreements, is one of the easiest and simplest self-books out there. If you have not read it yet, I highly recommend it. They are: Be impeccable with your word, Don't take anything personally, Don't make assumptions, and Always do your best. It's not the end all to productive and healthy living, but it's a start. And how! There seem to be a plethora of folks who just don't really know the basics. It's like my toddler, Ziggy. He's just two and a half years old. The other day a young girl was interested in touching him....almost pushing him but mostly just wanting to touch his belly. He said, "no touch, please, no touch!" instead of actually hitting or pushing her. I was quite amazed because I work with elementary school students and I know for a fact they often don't know how to 'use their words'. And I know many adults who too, struggle with expressing themselves without simply reacting in anger, frustration, jealousy, judgement and blame.

I am certainly not claiming to be some kind of authority. For shit snakes, I am in therapy weekly, have been for 5 months and don't plan on ending it any time soon. I've got just as much baggage as the next person. But I guess it's kind of a matter of how you carry and manage the baggage. I heard a quote the other day, something like, we've all got baggage, why not get some with fancy wheels that sparkle and some neat fluorescent colors? In a nutshell, enjoy life exactly where you are, with what you have and maybe life won't seem like such a burden.  In the past, when entering into new relationships, I'd often tenuously carry my baggage along with me, and not really open it up until I felt pretty comfortable. Eventually, I'd be there, like modeling all it's contents...trying on different eras of my life in front of my new partner and trying to honestly share the contents, and realistically saying aloud, "hey, I know some of this shit is down right weird, but what are your thoughts on the subject, while I got your attention??" And, of course, as you can imagine, they'd totally blow me off. Only igniting some internal conflict regarding my inner child, the baggage I carry and the assumptions that linger in my inner psyche.

Who knows. I mean even my therapist doesn't seem to really KNOW, you know. And the first person who says that they know more than likely is the one to be suspicious of, in my humble opinion. Maybe the Dali Lama....maybe.

In light of Laws

Anyway, a couple of things have been happening lately that got me to thinking about spirituality and manifestation.  I mean, could we really manifest that which we so desire in our lives?  Do we really have that kind of power?  Here are some brief examples.  

I've been learning a lot about spirituality lately.  I've been reading this book, This Thing Called You, by Ernest Holmes.  For those of you who don't know who he is, well, I'm just learning myself, but apparently he basically founded the Religious Science movement.  And, it's often a disclaimer, when you mention Religious Science that it's not to be confused with Scientology.  They are not the same.  Not even close.

Mr. Holmes talks about how the Law of Spirit is no different than the Law of Gravity.  For instance, we don't disagree that things stay put wherever we place them.  Gravity holds them in place and this is pretty much a certain fact of life here on Planet Earth.  If we want to put a horse in our living room, we can.  It doesn't make a lot of practical sense in many respects, but the Law of Gravity will keep the horse right there until we move it.  We have the power to rearrange things within the context of the law.

Just as gravity works without fail, spirituality or faith, rather, works the same way.  God/Goddess/the Universe/Spirit always is open to you and you to it.  You are connected because you are one and the same.  Therefore, the Universe is abundant with limitless possibilities and that means that you have access to the same; but only is so much as the manner in which you apply the law.  It makes no sense to say that you are worthless and undeserving of God's gifts.  How does that serve you or those around you?  It's like putting a horse in your living room.  However, you can rearrange those same thoughts, under the basic premise that you are connected to God and are the way of God, and say that all the goodness the Universe has to offer is available to you.

Mr. Holmes says at one point in This Thing Called You, "Spirit withholds nothing from you.  To believe that God refuse the good you desire is to deny the goodness of God.  It  is a refusal to accept the profound conclusion of the one who said, "it is done unto you as you believe."

I used to think this was bull-hooey.

But; I live in this tiny studio apartment with my 2.5 year old son and to say the least, it's cramped.  It was always supposed to be a transition house until I was able to afford and have the means to move to a larger place.  I mean, literally, it's only been 6 months since I took us out of an abusive home and had to start all over again.  So, I am trying to be patient with myself.  Every day I wake up and I breathe in and out and thank God/Goddess/the Universe/Spirit for having a safe place to live.  To wake up next to a sleeping, beautiful toddler is the most precious gift I can think of....

I've been praying, however, to be able to upgrade from my studio to a real home a lot lately.  I put an image onto my Vision Board I made at the Moon Girls Gathering last full moon.  I place the intentions out when I drive around my neighborhood.   And the other day, I was receiving a reading from a trusted Medium and she specifically called out a 2 bedroom apartment in my future.

I often start my day checking Craigslist to see if the perfect, two-bedroom cottage, with a fenced yard and storage space in a quiet, safe midtown neighborhood, in my price range apartment, available.  And today, there it was!  It was posted just minutes before I went online!!  I went to see it on my lunch break and it's exactly like what I've been imagining.  Sure the paint is peeling and it's right next to the train tracks, but it's AWESOME!  I can finally have a garden again.  My son can play safely outdoors without me fearing he'll get hit by a car.  He'll have his own bedroom in which to grow into a little man.  Granted I'll miss waking up next to him, but a small price to pay for security of a HOME.

So I tried to calm down.  I tried to breathe and let it go out to the Universe so that it would be able to manifest.  I went to do other things to distract myself.  But something drew me back to the place in the early evening.  As I pulled up onto the street, a woman approached me.  She was walking her dogs.  I asked her if she lived in the neighborhood and she said yes, just a few blocks to the left.  I mentioned I was looking at one of the apartments.  She asked which one.  When I told her, she laughed.  That was her old place.  She met her husband while living on this street a few years ago and now lives just a few blocks down.  She said the street was wonderful.  

How wonderful.   What a wonderful mystery the Universal Power of Spirit is.  Let's offer this blessing unto the Universe and let it manifest as it should.  I am open and willing to accept the gifts of good that seek to find me.

Railroad Rapid ~ Youghiogheny River in Pennyslvania

The Youghiogheny River is in south western Pennsylvania. It's one of the top whitewater rivers in the tri-state region.  It's considered a class 3-4, which is standard jargon for kick-ass.  It has to do with the size of the rapids and volume of water in the channel and level of difficulty of passage; i.e. boulders, trees, falls, etc...  The day I floated down the "Yough" it was just one cubic foot below the closure stage.  That means it was running full and FAST. The guy at the rental office assured me that it was ideal conditions for a beginner, such as myself.  It was more "cushy" not as "choppy".   We had only planned to do just the first leg; 1 hour; roughly 4 miles.  Piece of cake, right?  The take-out: Railroad Rapids.
I tried not to feel like a complete idiot as the guides and my partner explained the last minute details to me.  I didn't want to seem nervous, but inside my heart was throbbing, my legs and arms: jelly.  In short, I was terrified.  I griped a little tighter to the paddle and wiggled myself snugly into the kayak.  I looked up at my partner for further instruction.  "Ok, now just paddle.  No matter what happens, just paddle your heart out!" and then he pushed me into the water.  All I could hear behind me was the roar of the water pouring over boulders.  I've always been more fearful of being 'found out a novice' than actually being a novice.  Even though I had the faintest idea what I was doing, I acted like I had been kayaking for years.  I even scoffed a few times as the guides or my partner tried to parlay vital information on the rapids.   Especially in front of the family of four that was behind me at the rental office.  I appeared to be in total control and even judged them for their utter lack of 'expertise'.  I mean, had they been going to the local pool for 'roll sessions' for that last month?  Had they read up on the latest statistics of the Youghiogheny River, the ecology, the designations of class of rapids???

This is not the Youghiogheny River.

So, here I was, me and the Youghiogheny River.  I began to totally regret agreeing to this trip.  I began to look longingly at the family of four sharing the double kayaks.  I was all alone in my own kayak.  My partner, who'd been kayaking for years, was behind me in his own kayak.  All these horrible thoughts passed through my head. Like, me, being tossed for minutes in the "washing machine" of Railroad Rapids and kayakers and guides trying desperately to get me out.  Them pulling my limp, dead, water-logged body ashore and my partner, scratching his head, saying something like, "but I don't understand, she was so athletic...."
So then my rational brain kicked in.  "How hard could this be?" I begin to think.  "The river will do most of the work; I just have to go with the flow".   Confidence surged through me.  I paddled like my life depended upon it.  Most likely, it did.  You know how in those last seconds just before you are about to do something stupid how everything kind of slows down.  Well, I remember the scratching of the boat against the algae covered rocks, the smell of dead craw-fish, and the sound of the rapids.  It's like I was dreaming.  Like it wasn't really happening.  My mouth was metallic, my knuckles were white.  It brought back a vivid memory of when my family went to Hershey Park when I was probably no more than 4 years old.  We decided to go down the Log Ride.  And they determined that due to height and weight factors, that I, the littlest, and youngest, should sit in the front.  It seemed like a brilliant idea at first.  But once we reached the top of the first drop I remember vividly, standing up and attempting to jump out of the log as the view in front of me dropped off.  There was a woman who worked the ride sitting at the top under an umbrella and she shouted, "NO!  Sit back down!" and my brother grabbed me and pushed me back into my seat.  And we teetered, tipped and dropped off the edge into the freakin' unknown!  I was terrified.  I don't think I shit my pants, but I wouldn't have put it past me.  I mean, how could you possibly expect a four-year-old to handle that kind of terror all on her own??
And here I was, on the water again, all alone.
The first few rapids passed me by without much notice.  I just 'paddled my heart out' and everything seem to work out fine.  I wouldn't say I was enjoying myself in the least, but at least I wasn't drowning.  My entire memory of the 4 mile trip blurs from the beginning to the very end when we arrived at Railroad Rapid.
Upon reaching Railroad Rapid, the last rapid of the trip, I was feeling okay.  I was feeling almost confident. There, the river widens and slows before channeling most of its energy into one particular rapid.  There was a railroad trestle (hence the name of the rapid) and a small sandy beach on the right.  Up above, there was a campground.  Some of the campers were sitting in chairs, drinking beers, watching the paddlers line up in the queue, awaiting to contend with the final assault in the four mile journey.
And then I noticed that a couple in a tandem kayak were somehow trapped at the mouth of the rapid.  There was only one way through; it wasn't like you had an open run at this thing.  You had to go through the one open rapid, otherwise you'd be trapped in a 'washing machine' or get stuck on debris.  They were literally stuck perpendicular to the rapid.  Just sitting there.
I held back as much as I could in the eddy but I couldn't hold myself back much longer.  Exhausted and kind of in shock, I just let myself drift towards the rapid.  As I approached their boat I made the fatal error of leaning upstream.  My boat tipped, I fell into the water and I remember looking up towards the light, which was coming through the opening of my boat.  I pressed my hands up and tried to overturn the boat, but it was wedged into the water and the boat of couple in the tandem kayak.  I was trapped.  Panicked, I kicked and probably screamed...to be honest, I don't remember what I did.  The next second, I was pulled under the boat ahead of me, into the washing machine.  I came up for a brief second, only to be pulled back under again.  I remember how the cool river water felt as it filled up my life vest.  I remember how the sounds of the people above the water were muffled.  I remember the contrast between the dark rocks and the sun penetrating the water.  I remember feeling the bottom of the boat above me as I passed under it into the rocks below.  I was forcefully tossed against the rocks at the bottom of the river.  I popped up again and there was my partner.  I reached out to him, and he yelled, "don't touch my boat!" and before I could react I was dragged back down.  I soon felt the rapid smooth out and I popped up again.  There was another boater who appeared and began yelling, "grab onto my boat!"  and he pulled me to shore.
I sat on the sandy beach, humiliated yet grateful for being safe.  My partner stood a good distance from me, I think, realizing just what an ass he had been.  I tried my hardest to hold back the tears.  I wanted to be strong and appear as though none of what just happened was a big deal.  But the tears came regardless and they flowed as free and as fast as the Youghiogheny.  After all, water does follow the path of least resistance

Two Wolves

I was sifting though some old papers; letters and journals.  Things I'd written down long ago and came across this.  Obviously, this wasn't mine; I mean, I did not write this.  It's an old Cherokee story.  One worth repeating. 

One evening an old Cherokee grandfather told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

"Which wolf wins?"

The grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."


~~~~~~~~~

In the Science of Mind philosophy there is often a point at which you'll ask, but what about darkness?  What about violence and malevolence in this world?  How can you explain that?  How can you suggest that we simply love our enemies?  And it's a difficult pill to swallow, but I think the best way to see it is like this: without the darkness, the light would be less brilliant.   Without struggle, the joy would be less appreciated.  Without loss, that which we have wouldn't seem as bountiful. 

Feeding the negativity in our lives only produces more negativity.  Feeding ignorance, arrogance, judgement, betrayal, dishonestly, etc...only feed that which will eventually consume you and those around you. 

But, feeding the love, the hope, serenity and empathy that is required to truly act as the way of God to express the divine gifts through you is a miraculously altruistic act that has mysterious ways of returning to you tenfold. 

I beseech of you to consider trying this, mindfully for ten days and see what results become from the experiment. 

Nameste.

The I of the Storm ~ Embracing Conflict, Creating Peace

I recently experienced the gift of attending a class at the Ventura Center for Spiritual Living called The I of the Storm.  It's based upon a book written by Gary Simmons.  The basic premise is like that of many personal development philosophies: change your thoughts, change your life.  In the book, there is of course, many a case study on the manner in which the tools (I encourage you to purchase the book for more detailed information on the tools) are applied.  I especially enjoyed how Reverend Bonnie Rose was able to draw out class members into a logical, yet hilarious discovery of what is.  And that, my friends, is tonight's topic.

Many of you may be aware that I recently survived a bit of trauma.  I mean, at the time I was experiencing it, to me, it was a horrifying and life debilitating/all-consuming hell. But now, I do see how, being a survivor of domestic violence, is for me.  How, in some miraculous way, it helped me remember who I am.  My authentic self, as a religious scientist may prefer to describe it, actually leads to conscious doing and that is in some blessed way, an expression of God.  And, oh shit, I don't mean, like freaky, Jesus saved my soul, kind of God.  Or Armageddon gonna kill us all kind of God.  But more of a gentler, approachable God (or Goddess if you so choose) who really, in all aspects is expressed through you and your behaviors and beliefs.  Isn't that amazing?

Anyway, Gary Simmons said that when we don't speak the truth we are being in the way of God.  It's a strategy most of us learned as children because we've been raised to blend in.  We found that by meeting other people's needs first and forgetting our own, we somehow "fit in" better.  But when we do that, we diminish ourselves for the sake of other's comfort, we lose the very connection to God/Goddess.  And, that's quite frankly, when the shit often hits the fan.  Or, in my case, it wasn't shit, but a bicycle being launched at me by a 6'5", 210 lb angry man. 

So, as a part of this course, we were supposed to present what we had gotten out of the 10 weeks we had been together; meeting after work, after life, on Thursday evenings, sharing, crying, laughing....  Reverend Bonnie had asked us to bring something that we could share that would represent our change, our growth, our discovery.  And me, being me, as I am, without plan and/or often any real concentration in the minor details of life, showed up to class without anything.  But, that, my friends, was part of God's way of acting through me.

As I allowed God/Goddess to center inside of me, I became calm and totally connected with myself, my inner being.  And I knew exactly what I had brought that was of significance:  Myself.  So, when it came time to share my knowledge with the class, I am super proud to say that I stood up and roughly said this:

First off, I started with a breath.  In....and out....  "That was the first thing I regained from this class.  Focus on Breath.  The second thing I discovered, was,  that for most of my life, I have diminished myself, tried to hide my personality, make apologies for who I am in order to accommodate those around me.  I have always served others before me, made excuses for my thoughts, feelings and my very presence.  I've played the victim and hid from my role and responsibilities in my life.  What this class has taught me was that if I don't show up in life, then I am not present in my life and therefore I am not living my life.  And, frankly, my son really needs me.  I am needed here, right now.  I am important.  I'm not a victim.  I am beautiful.  I am Amazing.   There is nothing and no one against me.  It's all for me.  So, to share with you tonight, my classmates, I brought myself.  I am un-apologetically, gracefully, energetically here.  I am present.  I am whole.  I am here.  I am good enough." 

And shit, if I don't tell you how amazing that felt.  The room melted and people hugged me.  I really, really believe that I do have a space in this world and damn it if I'm not going to let someone ever, ever close me out again.  And I meet these people all the time.  They shut you out before you get a chance to shine your light.  They do it out of fear.  They do it out of pain.  They do it because they are not connected.  And isn't that so funny why the Internet and smart phones are so popular?  Because they keep people connected. 

But they do so in such an artificial way.  I was just reading some excerpts from recent graduation speeches.  This one, by Jonathan Franzen at Kenyon College, particularly stood out for me.  He was speaking about how this younger generation is so connected with their Blackberries and iPhone's and how we've transformed the verb "Like" to mean something more than the action of choice, but to a consumer preference.  We've become consumers of of our own lives, our own expressions, our possessions.  He said, "trying to be completely likable is incompatible with loving relationships."  I'd even add, living relationships to that statement.  Eventually, you will discover that we are all just humans, ugly, embarrassing, fearful, judgemental, etc...being, well, being you.  And I personally, totally got what he meant. 

Yes, I was a Ski Instructor in Tahoe....that's funny

I moved out to Lake Tahoe from Emporium, Pennsylvania after graduating from West Virginia University in 1995.  I grew up in a small, rural town; population roughly 2,500.  One stop light in the whole county.  Moving to Morgantown, WV for college was like "big time" for me.  I mean there were like five stop lights downtown alone!  So, Lake Tahoe was very much like home for me immediately.  There were only two stop lights between our cabin and my place of employment, which in itself, has a funny story attached to it. 

When I moved out to Tahoe, I purchased a one-way ticket and really, like much of what I've done in my life, had no plan.  I just wanted to get out of Emporium.  I moved out with my boyfriend at the time.  He had family that lived in Reno, NV and Lake Tahoe was just a stones throw away.  Coming into the Tahoe Basin for the first time must be amazing for anyone.  You drive up this curvy road with mountains all around you then suddenly they fall away and this expansive, gleaning lake inside a bowl of snow-capped peaks sits before you.  I was needless-to-say, captivated by the entire region from day one. 

I am an athletic girl, so the thought of working at a ski resort didn't scare me, even though I didn't know how to ski.  I figured it couldn't be that hard, after all, my boyfriend had been skiing his whole life.  ; )

I met the woman who ran the ski school.  She was a fiery, petite woman from New Zealand.  She looked me over, called one of my references right there with me in the room and hired me on the spot!  She said to me and I will always remember this, "Jill, I'm not hiring you because you can ski; I'm hiring you because I like you.  Don't let me down." 

So, my boyfriend's mother gave me all of her used ski equipment, from the 70's and off I went.  Imagine me entering the ski school the first morning.  There, with my grocery bag filled with 1970's era ski garb, totally unprepared for the utter coolness of the teens who worked in the center.  I mean, come on, they live in Incline Village, NV, aka Income Village.  They eat, breathe, sleep coolness.  I'm from BFE Pennsyla-tucky.  I know that you could hear a pin drop as they all turned around to check me out.  And when I busted out the ski suit, well, I'm surprised that there wasn't more of a reaction.  I will give them that. 

I've never been downhill skiing before.  Okay, there was that one or two times I went to Wisp, MD for what they called "Two for Tuesday" night skiing.  To me it was more like a torturous military exercise in fear-based psychological warfare.  I mean, first of all it was freezing.  Second, the "snow" was hard-packed ice.  And finally, it was AT NIGHT!  So, when the ski instructor called for us to all put on our gear and head up the mountain for a group lesson I was absolutely terrified.  I looked at the ski school director who hired me and said, "you don't expect me to go up there, do you?" and she just smiled at me with this look on her face like, "get out there or your out!".  Gulp.

So, I got on the chair lift without much trouble.   Sitting on the chair, floating up, up the side of the mountain, I looked down.  I could see jagged boulders peaking out of the snow drifts.  There was a group of student racers practicing going through the gates.  They couldn't have been more than ten years old and they were flying down the hillside.  I looked back behind me and there was Lake Tahoe, more magnificent and stunning as ever.  It was time to prepare to exit the chair lift.  Double Gulp.

Okay, smooth sailing.  I didn't fall down.  I made it.  The slope sort of gently rolled off to the left.  "This is easy" I said to myself.  I joined the others in formation.  The director gave us some pointers and some other kind of instructions that I really didn't understand.  "I can totally fake this" I thought to myself.  So, one by one the student instructors all started down the hillside in front of us.  One by one I saw them drop off this rather precipitous edge of a freaking cliff that no one in their right mind should be going down, let alone with these freaking contraptions called skis on their feet.  I came to the edge.  I was the last in line.   The entire class was lined up perfectly mid-way down the slope, looking at me; waiting.  Triple Gulp. 

I thought I could just turn around. I think I even said that out loud at one point "is there another way down this fucking hill?"  I frantically looked for an out.   A broken ankle?  I'm suddenly coming down with a fever?  Something?  No.  I had to do this.  I had to ski down the hill in front of all of these god-forsaken trust-funders way too-cool for school teeny-boppers!!!! 

So, down I went and at first everything sort of blacked out.  I may have closed my eyes.  I dropped into the slope, "pizza, pizza, PIZZA!!"  and my legs, toes, heels, knees, hips, everything gave out from under me and I slid face up beneath the ski school director.  I literally slid like 15 feet down the line in front of those kids and landed right there, looking up at her with this sort of, "well, I told you I didn't know how to ski" look.  She warmly smiled at me and called for one of her lead instructors to take me to the bunny slope. 

Humiliated yet grateful that was finally over with I gladly "pizza-ed" my way down to the bunny slope.  The instructor was very sweet to me.  She made me feel okay about what happened.  I honestly didn't have a problem with it at all.  After a few runs on the bunny slope I was actually skiing.  By the end of the season I was skiing black diamonds, snow boarding and learning how to telemark.  I told you I was an athlete. 

Never once did one of those kids make fun of me.  Never once.  I look back on that experience as one which truly helped me grow as a person.  I mean, forever, I would have that moment in my memory bank to help me keep my chin up no matter what embarrassing thing would present itself.  Deep down I am a good person, who can be charming and fun.  By the end of that first season I had developed real friendships with some of those instructors.  By the second season I was getting private lesson requests.  I went from not knowing how to ski to being a ski instructor in one season....I guess, growing up in Pennsylvania, I never had planned that to happen in my life and yet it did.