Baking a Spiritual Cake

I am struggling today.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had a minor medical procedure this morning and as a result, I was so drugged out that when I finally woke today at 5 pm I had no idea where I was or what time it was.  Maybe it has something to do with my period coming any day now.  I always get a little emotional at this time of the month.  Maybe it's because while I read through the books and go through the therapy and do the meditations, I am still, deep down, struggling with being in love with my ex-husband.  Maybe I'm not in love with him really, but the idea of him and what he represented to me.  Maybe it's because regardless of how much I focus on the positive, the good in my life,  and letting go of the pain of the past, I still want to be part of a family.  It's like I've got all these ingredients to make a lovely cake, but I am still missing something.

I threw my tarot cards today.  A simple, daily spread for (1) what was the important aspect of the day, (2) what to be mindful of (3) and what desires and/or projections I may have.   I received Justice, which basically means that I am focused on things like organizing paperwork for the divorce and making sure that I am not getting screwed over by my ex.  But much more than that, it suggests that the laws of justice are working for me.  That which has happened in the past will be redeemed with new, good opportunities and blessings in the future.  I received 9 of Swords which means that I am to be mindful of the despair and sadness that follows me still.  It's always darkest before the dawn and in essence a new dawn is on the horizon.  And finally, I received the 10 of Pentacles that depicts the ideal happy family.  The one I so desire yet seems impossible for me to achieve.  This card cautions, however, to be weary because the reality isn't always as good as the idealized.  In short, be careful what you wish for.

Funny that I had been thinking of that stuff prior to throwing the cards.  And even in my complete post-procedure haze I had an intense feeling of mournfulness for something for which I couldn't quite put my finger on.  Then, out of the blue, my ex-husband sent a text inviting me out for a drink and a nice conversation.....hmmm.  This sends shivers down my spine.  Fears of rejection, manipulation and deception encircle.  What does he want?  What is he going to try and encourage me to do for him?  How will I be hurt this time?  Because the conundrum is that while I know I should be placing healthy boundaries around me to protect myself, I still let him in out of the desire to be together again. 

If old Ernest Holmes was standing next to me, he'd perhaps tap me on the shoulder and remind me "that it is done unto me as I believe".  So, if I keep the fears and doubts and the sadness and pain of rejection inside of me when I see him, I will obviously be rewarded in kind.  It seems totally naive of me to go and have a drink with him and act like I am not dying inside.  I guess, however, that is where those handy boundaries come into play.  I mean, I can still love him and want to have a family with him.  But I don't have to wear my pain on my sleeve.  I can hold it close to my heart, close to God and allow it to breathe as I breathe, hear, observe and contemplate the meaning in a safe, loving space.

Maybe to you it sounds naive and childish that I haven't learned how to interact with my ex-husband.  But there it is.  My little girl inside still wants the fairy tale; my hurt and violated outer self wants justice and the truth is somewhere in between.  Even if I can act brave and healed on the outside, inside there is a woman who is devastatingly sad for the loss of what she believed to be her destiny.

Hmmmm....Do unto him as  I believe.  Do I believe I am silly and naive?  Do I believe that my life is worse or better now?  Do I believe he has some kind of power over me?  Or, is the power inside of me greater than any power because it is the power of Spirit?  As I believe.  hmmm....  What if it's not about simply believing in one thing, but how one believes.  So even though I am sad for my loss and fearful for my future I can redirect my energy to be open to what is, as it is.  I can love myself just the same; with or without this sadness.  But it's the loving of myself that is the key ingredient.  It's like the baking soda in the cake mix.  No one really tastes it but without it the cake won't rise.