Writer's Block....

I am sure it happens to every writer.  The moment when there is nothing more that pours out of you like water over a falls.  Inspiration seems to have run dry.  Desperate, you begin to think of ways to become witty, lively, inspiring in the mundane.  And honestly, I do not have anything to give to you tonight.

First off, I've had some rather weird interactions lately that have captivated my attention.

One being, that I contacted the person with whom I lost my virginity.  I sent the letter on a Monday and received a call on a Friday.  He was apologetic and kind.  He said he had always followed me secretly via the internet but never contacted me. He said I had always occupied a special place in his heart.  Honestly, the conversation went 4 billion times better than I had imagined it would.  I mean, after all these years, I supposed he didn't even remember me.  But he did.

I remember the night.  I remember the entire experience.  Afterward, I totally felt used, abandoned and lost.  Gosh, I wonder why?  It's not my parents fault that I felt this way, but because they divorced and didn't really talk to me about it, I think I was left with the impression that I was somehow, less than, not worthy, discard-able....and his behavior after the big event was reflective of this assumption.   But then he talked about how he had regrets for his behavior.  How he had always felt I was someone with "spirit".  I was filled with a sense of joy, validation and acceptance.

Or, how about how my ex has asked to "have a date"?  I mean, shit, three months ago, I would have jumped at the chance to return to him.  Six months ago, I would have called the police for an escort.  But now I am a little skeptical and confused.  I mean, yes, I do want the family and the love and the companionship, but do I need to battle the insecurities, the judgments, and the cycle of abuse?  I mean, is it worth it?

So often when I think I have nothing of value to say, contribute, or share, I find that if I quiet myself and simply "feel" I am very much vocal about what is going on in the world around me.  Lately, I've taken to carrying around my "mala beads" with me.  Especially when I walk or drive.  I can breathe and touch one bead after another affirming that which needs to be affirmed.  It helps me remember who I really am.  What values, principles, and qualities I have that are worthy and not easily discarded.

So, with so much emptiness and vagueness in my soul tonight, feeling as though I had nothing to share, I see that deep within me there is still so much aching to come out and see the light of day. 

I am grateful for recent experiences and exchanges that have left me to realize that the world is a very open place without limitations.  We place those limits by what we believe, what we have been taught and what others have pressured us to accept as the truth.  The only truth is that which is inside of you.  So, maybe this block was not a stopping point, not a road block, but simply a stop light, a delightful detour, a moment in the day to simple be with what is and accept it as such.