I haven't been in the mood lately to blog. And it's not like I've got a ton of followers awaiting my every word, right? And it's not like I am in a bad mood or anything. I've been busy, of course, but not to the point of not being able to sit down at the computer. I've found myself more frequently, however, drowning in internet dating sites desperately searching for a Mr. Right.
And it got me to thinking about this book I had been reading, and then, for some reason, left aside my bed with the ten or so other self-help books. The book is titled: Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love. And at first it's riddled with the background in Attachment Theory and the different studies associated with the three attachment styles: secure, avoidant and anxious. But today, out of boredom, slash desperation, I picked it back up and read chapters 5, 6 & 7; a breakdown and detailed "how-to" for the secure attached person, the avoidant attached person and the anxious attached person.
After reading these three chapters, I wanted to rush out and buy a copy for all of my friends and family and even my enemies too! It so clearly explains my 38 years of disillusionment in love and relationships with anyone, really. I after all this struggling with "what's wrong with me" I can see that there is nothing wrong with me (as Robert Holden so eloquently shares with us in his awesome book, Shift Happens).
Well, it's not that easy, because according to the helpful quizzes provided in the earlier chapters, I am about 50-50% avoidant/anxious. Which, as far as I can tell is the worst-case scenario. I mean, they give these amazing statistics.
First they estimate that 50% of us are secure, with 20% anxious, with 25% avoidant and the remaining 5% are the combination styles. So, if you think about it, 50% of the population is already in a secure, happy, satisfying relationship and more than likely are out of the dating pool. Avoidants typically do not date each other, therefore, they are out there preying on the helpless anxious attachment folks! And if the test I took is remotely accurate, I am completely screwed!
Secures have already found love and find it easy to love pretty much all three styles. Secures enhance and make the other two, less secure styles more functional, just by the very nature of their secure traits.
If you are avoidant, then watch out, because you will spend most of your life searching for the ideal mate only to find that no one will ever meet your expectations because you actually have issues with intimacy. As soon as you get close to commitment, you bolt or make your partner's life hell with a bunch of annoying strategies you use to keep yourself calm, irregardless of what you are doing to them.
And, I really feel sorry for those anxious attachment styles. They are a mess. They confuse the feelings of abandonment, rejection and constant stress of "he loves me, he loves me not" with actual love. They actually seek out these unavailable people because it reminds them of some kind of deep-seeded emotion they grew up with!!
Of course the book goes on to share "fail-proof" strategies to find the love you need and keep it. As much as my inner cynic wants to come out and be like "yeah right!" I am going to attempt to follow their advice; because interestingly enough it follows the Science of Mind ideals: be yourself, accept the good, know there is abundance there for you, be your highest and best self, remember no one and nothing is against you; but do set loving boundaries (assert your needs) and plant those seeds of what you seek and so shall you reap it.
I was going to share a specific case in point, but let's just suffice it to say, buy the book, read it and you will actually see these behaviors play out in your own life right in front of your very eyes. It's amazing.
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