So, the other day I actually asked my ex if he'd ever consider getting back together again. Ok. There I did it. You all knew that I would eventually, right?
At first he judged my question. Then he accused me of provoking him into aggression. Then, he actually laughed at me.
What I saw in his eyes, however, wasn't the hatred and meanness I came to recognize months ago. No, this time, I saw pain, suffering and lack. I don't know how to explain this, but I see this man suffering and I know that he does not need to suffer and I so want to hold him and love him back to joy. But I know that I cannot do that. It hurts to see this so plainly right in front of me. He's pushing me away out of fear, denial and suffering. Not out of knowledge or wisdom.
Am I so odd to think that even though I realize we have difficult personalities and don't make the best match on bad days, we could, with commitment and effort, be a very compatible couple, and, most importantly, a family again?? Is this so freakin' odd to ponder?
According to him it is. And, as I read more about personalities and human developmental processes, I see that, yeah, for some people, it's just better to frankly move on. I get it. Some people just won't ever change.
But, therein lies my ultimate peril. Why? Why do I not merit enough for him to seek change in order to stay together? Why doesn't he want to try and make it work? I don't get it. What's wrong with me?
I honestly believe that the human mind can choose what they want to believe and how they are going to act. If, given space to do so, we humans can be so brave, so loving and so accepting. In many cases, however, we are thwarted or restricted by other's insecurities. And, it's not like people are intentionally trying to keep others down...they just don't see the truth. They are busy suffering....
So, lately, I've found myself repeating prayers, affirmations and songs that are positive, full of love and generally intending to spread joy and peace. It's been so healing for me to focus on the here and now and not worry so much about the future or the past. I know that some people want to hold onto the past and use it as a justification for their current behavior. But I've really come clear in the idea that now is all that we have and we might as well make it the best we can. Otherwise, what is the point?
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