Feeling Sorry for Oneself

So, this last week I've been a little blue. It kind of hit me that perhaps I am a little, just a smidge, kinda, sorta, self absorbed. OMG!? Really?? Who here has ever felt a little self-absorbed in the past? Ah, yes. So, it’s kind of normal, right? Someone I appreciate recently validated some feelings I was having by saying, “yes, many people feel like that at one time or another” and I was like, “really? You mean I am not the only one?” Because, quite honestly, and I am just being totally honest with you, but at times, I feel like I AM THE ONLY ONE.

Yeah, I know that I am supposed to realize otherwise, but at times, even some of the minor, not-so-huge times, I feel quite alone. I feel like I am the only one who feels the way I do and that no one else could possibly understand. Then I go to get my nails done or I stop by a local coffee shop or maybe I overhear a conversation at the laundry mat and I then it hits me: SMACK! I am not the only one who has hard days.

Even my son, of a whole 3.5 years can admit when he’s reached his limit. Although, most times, it’s not a pleasant experience, we often make due with patience, breathing and lot’s and lot’s of choices.

It kind of hit me today; as invariably most of my posts do, that I, in fact, do not try to plan out my self-care scenarios. Today, I had a woman from the City come and evaluate my ergonomic situation at my desk. Most of what she recommended was common sense, but things I do not take the time to apply. Things like: take a break, meditate, breathe, move your body every 30 minutes, try moving your mouse to your opposite hand, etc…things that, really, we all should probably be doing on an hourly basis, but we don’t.

We don’t because we’d much rather stress that our Facebook page wasn’t viewed or commented upon. We worry that our timecard doesn’t reflect the work we’ve actually been doing. We wonder what our bank account balance is and when it will ever be higher. We look at web pages and pictures of prettier people than ourselves and think that we’ve somehow missed the mark or that we are not enough.

So then I stared to think about what it means to be self absorbed. Because, now, as a SOM practitioner, I am kind of confused. Online dictionaries would define it as being preoccupied with one’s own affairs, or one who’s limited to caring for one’s own needs. So, weird. Self absorbed doesn’t sound as bad as it did when I was 12 years old. Maybe for me, it’s like, because I was never overly self absorbed, but more often self deprecating, this definition seems a bit arrogant to me. But, for someone who has spent a lot of time pursuing and pushing their own agenda, this definition seems a bit dull and unassuming.

And think about it, either way, you are relatively alone in either case. Is that where any of us really wants to be?

When I feel alone, truly alone, these days, instead of fretting that I’ve become some kind of crusader for my own personal existence, I breathe and appreciate that very fact; then I open my eyes and try and find one positive thing in my view. Then I realize, that if I am seeing something good, that I am no longer alone, but that we are all part of that goodness. I try and see that good thing in my life and when I do, I realize that I, in fact, am not separate and alone but rather ONE and CONNECTED. How odd, that by feeling totally centered into my own being, I am actually connected to EVERYTHING ELSE!

It makes life a lot easier to live.

If others did this too, well then, why we’d have a veritable revolution!!! Imagine the idea of entering a grocery store where everyone was thinking that they were connected to one another. Or when you file your IRS taxes documents that the person on the receiving end is actually connected to you in spirit!

It’s not easy to do. Just today, I received a compliment and an invitation to hang out and instead of graciously accepting because I knew that it was ALL GOOD, I let my mind wander on the what if’s and how not’s and the whole thing turning out painfully disappointing.

It takes mental perseverance to achieve mindfulness. I used to think it took freedom from…whatever it was that kept you from being mindful. But now, I do see that mindfulness is really about SELF-ABSORBTION. Without total self awareness and acceptance you cannot and will never ever become the person you wish to become. Without surrender to who you are (absorbing the truth of what is) you will never be able to move into another reality.