Friendship

My whole life I have sort of trudged ahead, relentless, in pursuit of the 'next goal' and 'that which I presumed would bring me recognition and respect from others' in a shallow hope of finding peace with myself. I've sought to please others as a means of validating my own presence. I've gone above and beyond what is a very basic representation of respect in order to secure some kind of favor and/or commitment from my intended target of affection or devotion. I've given much more of myself than I've ever received. In platonic, professional, personal relationships, I've essentially sold my soul for the price of admission and acceptance into the other person's Ego Faire. The result of friendship is often one where I feel left out, desperate and inauthentic.

I looked up friendship online and the result was this: true friends consistently demonstrate the following (Wikipedia definition of friendship):
1. Empathy: The tendency to desire what is best for the other;
2. Honesty: even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak then truth, being honest regardless of fears;
3. Mutual Understanding: enjoyment of each other's company or ability to express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgment.
4. Compassion: ability to go to each other for emotional support;
5.Reciprocity: equal give-and-take between the two parties; ability to be oneself.

All of these, coincidently, I did not have with my ex-husband. How did I ever expect to retain a functional relationship with this person should we not have these very basic tenets between us?
I have a rare set of friends and family for which most of these tenants are part of the relationship. Gosh, I wonder, do I create this environment for my son?

Is it possible that the degree of implement-ability may indicate the depth and strength of the friendship?

In different cultures, the word "friend" means different things. For instance, I know from experience the nuance of using the term "Amigo or Amiga" in Spanish to refer to someone you know. Because in Spanish, you must differentiate the sex or gender of the person, whereas in English, you can simply refer to someone as a "friend" not indicating in any measure for which one could extrapolate if there was a romantic connection or not.

Not that opposite sexes cannot be friends. But let me just say, that from my experience, I've not met many guys who have wanted to be friends with me without also wanting something more, and for me likewise. It's when you truly find someone who is willing to trump empathy, honestly, trust and reciprocity in favor of sexual pleasure that you begin to embark on a winning platonic relationship.
Now, can friends become lovers? And, more interestingly, what is the success rate? According to several online sources on Google, friends becoming lovers is a rather popular topic. The keyword search for "can friends become lovers" gets over 85 million hits. There are numerous articles and blog sites expounding on the topic.

There is research that suggests this can be quite possible, and that, the stronger the bonds of trust are between two people in a relationship, the greater chance of survival. And, ultimately, bonds are developed over time, through trials and experiences that test the level of supportiveness and responsiveness of partners are to one another. Friendships are great testing grounds for such pilot projects of love.

If I could find a person who said to me, “let’s try and build a friendship first and see if an intimate relationship makes sense” I guess I would be at first confused and then secondly, I’d be quite attracted to the idea of learning how to be with someone prior to actually committing to being with someone forever.

And where does this leave the BFF? I've had many a good BFF throughout my years. Women who stood by me, regardless of my mistakes, women who held me when I fell apart and women who helped build me up to who I really am. And where do they fit into this discussion?

Do BFF's usurp our bonds with family? Can a friend take the place of a family member? Is the friendly exchange and humorous banter something that can survive months of authenticity? Years? Decades? How many people can I say I've been friends with for over a decade? One, maybe three at most. How do I compare to our cave-dwelling ancestors? Just curious.

I try and imagine what life was like for the average cave-girl. Did she visit her BFF's family cave and check out the latest kill? Did they spend endless hours pouring over the latest in wolf's skin clothing? And, as one developed, both mentally and physically, were they supportive of each other or were they competitive? Because, as we know, survival was more important than connection at that time in our history as a human race. Or at least, we presume.

In the end, I can say that friendships have been one of the richest and most rewarding part of my experience in life. Not to say that my family relationships are not as meaningful, but I guess, that, to a certain extent, I give my family a lot more in terms of empathy and understanding, whereas, with those I am not physically related, I expect a bit more in terms of their overall demonstration of character before I divulge my deepest, darkest secrets.