It was the first date I had since I had become single again. I was late. Traffic was bad and I didn't exactly know where to go. I arrived sweaty and frazzled. His profile said he was two years my junior and athletic. What approached me was, in fact, someone who looked like a fat, old, balding version of Mel Gibson. Lesson #1 in online dating: Never agree to dinner. Why? Because it's too long to commit to being with someone who you may very well desire to decapitate. As we began our small talk, ordering our food and drinking wine I began to realize immediately that he was regretting this as much as me. I ordered the linguine with clams. It slopped and slurped all over the place. I chugged down my wine while he made references to his mini mansion in Montecito all the while dissing environmentalists, women, Americans and small children. At one point, when I was offered a Styrofoam container for my left overs and I declined he literally rolled his eyes and sighed painfully aloud. Racing towards my Prius, which only inflamed him further, we said our good byes and I laughed the whole way home.
Finding myself at the age of 40 and single is a surprise to say the least. Dating is not like it was when I was twenty.
Lesson #2: never date anyone with weapons. Oh, and there are so many men in Ventura County who have weapons surprisingly. One of which, pulled a gun on me after my dog took a innocent swat at his ancient, smelly, cat. You see, this is not something that you can really put on your profile, but some, cleverly drop innuendos with pictures of them shooting guns or killing some kind of woodland creature. This is all fine with me; I've never been one to judge a man who can hunt, but one who sport hunts his date over the fate of a feline is someone of a different sorts.
How about the time that the guy shows up in his van and then I realize as he aimlessly rambles on and on that he, in fact, lives in his van because he got kicked out of his last place for selling drugs. Or the one who chose to harvest marijuana instead of walking on the beach together. The marsupial who was insecure about his height. The one who forgot their wallet. Or the guy who showed up to a mid-day bicycle date with a water bottle filled with vodka? Then there was the one who had a small tent (and other things small) and refused to blow his nose as a courtesy and I spent the night making music to his nose whistle.
Lesson #3: the rejection you feel when the cute guys ignore your profile and sweet emails and winks is not an indication of your self worth or date-ability. It is, however, a measure of just how paralyzing the new dating paradigm can make women feel. I think we are honestly seeking a relationship and most of the men on these sites treat it like Craigslist shopping.
The funniest part about it for me is that I've become so much more self confident. It's like I can finally agree that there is nothing wrong with me. With all my flaws and imperfections and inadequacies, I am still pretty fucking amazing.
Lesson #4: love yourself above all else.
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