In rural Pennsylvania where I grew up, Game Night was a big deal. Whether or not it be football or basketball, folks came out to cheer on the local student star athletes. Like my brother and father before me, I was a natural born athlete. I was the 'star' player on the girls basketball team and the 'fastest' girl on the track.
Practice was two days a week, with games or meets two days a week, with one day for rest. Weekends were optional practices, special meets or games for which I was always involved. I lived, ate, breathed sports. It was really the only thing that my father and I could talk about.
You see, my mother had left when I was about 11 or 12 and my father was pretty depressed most of the time. Sports were the one unifying thing for our family. Our grandfather and my brother and father and I could talk sports. Who's in the playoffs, who sucks, who sold out, why was coach so and so such a dip-shit, etc...
My mother, who was going back to school and held down two jobs, was not really into sports. It kind of made it hard to relate to her at the time. I remember seeing her seated in the bleachers before a game. I would be such a bitch to her; ignoring her or casually approaching her like I didn't even care that she was there. She would probably drive at least an hour to come see me and I'd barely acknowledge her.
Worse, my father would work 8 or 10 hours and then drive the hour or two to wherever my game was. He'd sit and watch the game and cheer and cuss out the refs and then drive all the way back to town to wait for me to arrive separately on the bus. I could have driven home with him and made his trip home one hour less but I didn't. No, selfishly, I rode the bus home with my friends and then gave him the cold shoulder the whole ride home. I'd then go into my room and shut door and act like he was "bothering me".
I just passed my first rite of passage with my son. Valentine's Day. I have memories of sitting up with my mother making the Valentine's Day box and filling out the Valentine's Day cards. And here I am doing it for my son. It only signals that some day soon I will be staying up later than I really want to in order to cheer my son on at some game or meet and more than likely he will give me the cold shoulder.
There is nothing you can do at this point to make up for how you treated your parents, huh? I guess that is why kids treat their parents like crap. So that we finally know what it feels like to be a parent. Kind of a sick torture I think. But, for what's it is worth. Mom, Dad, I am sorry I was such an ass. I love you both. Thank you.
Monday, February 13, 2012
I Release and Let Go.....
There has been something that I felt that I have not been quite honest with you about. And for that I apologize. The truth is, that I've been hiding something from you for some time. It is not because I don't trust you. No, not at all. I think I held back out of embarrassment.
It is a deeply held, tightly guarded, lovingly protected secret which I know that I implied in some of my posts, however, it wasn’t fully forth-coming; instead it was sort of passive and for that I seek your forgiveness. Some of you know what I am talking about; those of you who saw me in my absolute worst.
So here it is: I am a survivor of domestic abuse.
And yet, why did I hesitate to name it outright?
Abuse, domestic abuse, is a silent disease that affects more than 74% of people in the US whether they know someone or are a part of the abuse. It directly affects roughly 25% the US of population.
I never, ever, ever in my wildest dreams would have suspected that I would become a victim of domestic violence. I mean I run triathlons and climb high Sierra peaks, I traveled abroad and speak two languages. I have a good education, a high-paying professional job. I mean, how did this college-educated, sassy, world-traveled, strong, independent woman become a victim of abuse? How did I allow it? What is wrong with me that I allowed this to happen to me?
The women I met in my group counseling sessions were just as flabbergasted too. They all seemed capable, smart, well-meaning young women. How????
Well, the simple answer is that, it's not that easy. The circumstances for which I entered into my relationship have little to do with the final series of outcomes. When he was in his particular state of rage, I was in my own particular state of lack of self-worth and dis-equilibrium.
There are a number of “reasons” for our stress. Citizenship status, financial needs, pity, mutual desire for something other than another Tahoe winter season, unplanned pregnancy, house remodel, unplanned c-section, post-partum depression, paternal resentment, debt, bad economy, historically bad fight with best friend, loss of our one functioning car, his family‘s pure dislike of me….the list goes on.
It was if “God” were against us. And I used to cry aloud to God, screaming how I hated him and that he had left me alone in this pure tragic misery of pain and regret. I used to say that I would never again be duped into believing in the supposed powers of universal spirit. What had God ever done for me?
It is in the absolute moment of despair that one can finally see the truth. There exists only one truth. If then, there is darkness, such as what I experienced, there must then also be light. For without one, the other cannot exist.
So, out of chaos, I found peace. Out of poverty, I found prosperity. Out of hatred and judgment I found unconditional love and acceptance. Out of pain and suffering I found joy and patience. Out of loss I found gratitude. Out of disaster I found strength and perseverance. Out of loneliness I found community.
And I know that I would not have ever appreciated any of these without having lost pretty much everything. I am like the Job of Ventura. Ha!
If you are a victim today, I urge you to take the necessary steps to get yourself to a safe location and begin to rebuild your life. Take it from me; it can be done. It isn’t “impossible”. Yes, it isn’t easy. And from experience, the services from the County or State are scattered and confusing at best. But, here are some resources that can help you get out of your current situation and into the life you were meant to inhabit.
It's time to let go of that story that you deserve this and begin to accept the truth that you deserve so much more...all that the Universe has to offer and more.
Cal Lutheran Community Counseling Center http://www.callutheran.edu/community_counseling/
Ventura County Project Understanding http://www.projectunderstanding.org/
Ventura County 211 http://www.icfs.org/211ventura.org/
It is a deeply held, tightly guarded, lovingly protected secret which I know that I implied in some of my posts, however, it wasn’t fully forth-coming; instead it was sort of passive and for that I seek your forgiveness. Some of you know what I am talking about; those of you who saw me in my absolute worst.
So here it is: I am a survivor of domestic abuse.
And yet, why did I hesitate to name it outright?
Abuse, domestic abuse, is a silent disease that affects more than 74% of people in the US whether they know someone or are a part of the abuse. It directly affects roughly 25% the US of population.
I never, ever, ever in my wildest dreams would have suspected that I would become a victim of domestic violence. I mean I run triathlons and climb high Sierra peaks, I traveled abroad and speak two languages. I have a good education, a high-paying professional job. I mean, how did this college-educated, sassy, world-traveled, strong, independent woman become a victim of abuse? How did I allow it? What is wrong with me that I allowed this to happen to me?
The women I met in my group counseling sessions were just as flabbergasted too. They all seemed capable, smart, well-meaning young women. How????
Well, the simple answer is that, it's not that easy. The circumstances for which I entered into my relationship have little to do with the final series of outcomes. When he was in his particular state of rage, I was in my own particular state of lack of self-worth and dis-equilibrium.
There are a number of “reasons” for our stress. Citizenship status, financial needs, pity, mutual desire for something other than another Tahoe winter season, unplanned pregnancy, house remodel, unplanned c-section, post-partum depression, paternal resentment, debt, bad economy, historically bad fight with best friend, loss of our one functioning car, his family‘s pure dislike of me….the list goes on.
It was if “God” were against us. And I used to cry aloud to God, screaming how I hated him and that he had left me alone in this pure tragic misery of pain and regret. I used to say that I would never again be duped into believing in the supposed powers of universal spirit. What had God ever done for me?
It is in the absolute moment of despair that one can finally see the truth. There exists only one truth. If then, there is darkness, such as what I experienced, there must then also be light. For without one, the other cannot exist.
So, out of chaos, I found peace. Out of poverty, I found prosperity. Out of hatred and judgment I found unconditional love and acceptance. Out of pain and suffering I found joy and patience. Out of loss I found gratitude. Out of disaster I found strength and perseverance. Out of loneliness I found community.
And I know that I would not have ever appreciated any of these without having lost pretty much everything. I am like the Job of Ventura. Ha!
If you are a victim today, I urge you to take the necessary steps to get yourself to a safe location and begin to rebuild your life. Take it from me; it can be done. It isn’t “impossible”. Yes, it isn’t easy. And from experience, the services from the County or State are scattered and confusing at best. But, here are some resources that can help you get out of your current situation and into the life you were meant to inhabit.
It's time to let go of that story that you deserve this and begin to accept the truth that you deserve so much more...all that the Universe has to offer and more.
Cal Lutheran Community Counseling Center http://www.callutheran.edu/community_counseling/
Ventura County Project Understanding http://www.projectunderstanding.org/
Ventura County 211 http://www.icfs.org/211ventura.org/
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
What Does My Body Have to do With My Gratitude?
Every time I hear that song from Ani DiFranco, I stop what I am doing and listen to her words. Soft yet confident and so, oh so truthful. With some shame and reluctance I share with you that I've been put into a similar situation as well. ;More than once before, I have been trusting, believing the best in the other and honestly quite unbelievably I have had my innocence violated.
In high school, in the front seat of a car, rain pouring down, and he's on top of me, entering me and the pain is excruciating and within minutes, the whole experience is done and he's kicking me out of his car in the pouring rain outside the school dance. I am embarrassed and confused.
In college, after a long night of partying, falling asleep in a friend's bed only to be awoken in the early hours of the morning with them taking off my t-shirt, forcing their tongue down my throat, telling me to be quiet. Me, wriggling out of their grasp and running out of the house loaded with the guilt of "I must have done something to deserve that". Yes, I was plenty self destructive at the time in my life. But, really?
While traveling abroad, I found myself without a place to sleep one night. I had been traveling with a supposed business associate, assisting him with investigating real-estate options abroad. He was supposed to have set up separate sleeping arrangements, but upon arrival, after 17 hours of travel, I discover, he in fact, had ulterior plans. I fled, in anger and shame again, believing somehow I had brought this upon myself. And I had no where to stay. The first night I slept in the bus station. I made friends with a group of Aussies who lived in town; ex-pats living the along the Adriatic. One offered me a place to stay on his couch. But, alas, again, upon entering the apartment, only to discover no couch; just a double bed. And just like in Ani's song, he said, 'we can sleep here like brother and sister.' But I know that my brother never asked me to do the things he asked me to do that night. Again, another cold, sleepless night in the bus station. Guilt and shame. Fear and doubt. Traveling alone isn't as glamorous as it is portrayed.
Someone asks you out on a date and you feel obliged to kiss them. When they pressure your for more, perhaps a little violently, you appease and give in. Guilt and shame.
Women who find themselves in this situation are not whores. They are not 'asking for it'. But, yet, there is a certain group of women who repeatedly find themselves in similar situations. I know this, because I have had this experience more than once.
Finally, in my last relationship, when I as a result of escalating violence, I got myself enrolled into an awesome an awesome counseling program. There, I met 10 other women, who like me, had fought men off of them their entire lives. Self esteem rock bottom, guilt, fear, and shame of it repeating itself again and again. Confusion over what we've possibly had done to deserve this. In this 12 week program, I was able to finally break the cycle of violence. And with the support and insight gained in classes at my church, I am able to say, with confidence, that I know I never deserved this and I certainly have the power to prevent it.
I honestly don't know how you get over it. It hurts really bad inside of me. It's a hole, burning deep, painful place within me. I think sometimes the emotions are fanned or fueled by my repeating thoughts of unworthiness and the whole thing starts to consume my inner sanctuary. It's been crumbling down and there are cracks where the light comes in. I am burning from the inside out. Saddened by a life lived with openness, trustworthiness and general belief that people are not out to hurt me. Did they hurt me or did I allow them to hurt me, in a passive way to hurt myself? Is my self hatred that deeply ingrained into my inner psyche? Is it possible to heal?
I've been meditating lately on this one idea that when thoughts and emotions are combined they sort of cycle around and around. This can be harmless, say, for instance if it's a thought and emotion about love, peace, goodwill; but, when the thought is one that is destructive, such as "I am not worthy of love" or "I deserve this abuse" it can not only destroy one's self esteem, but it can also start to take down the entire facade of life that you've created around this belief.
Which, ironically, actually ends up working in your favor if you allow it to crumble. Because it is in the rubble where you find your truest self. It's when the light sneaks through the cracks that one finally begins to see the truth.
And it is so true, that my body has little to do with my gratitude. Gratitude is a feeling that wells up from inside of a whole, loving, peaceful person. Gratitude is not an obligation. It springs forth uncontrollably when love is reciprocated unconditionally. When the giver is the receiver and the receiver is the giver and neither one cares which one is which because the gratitude is such a beautiful feeling. I know now that if I feel obligated to give someone something in return for their favor, then I am not coming from my heart center.
"thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
thank you
for the beer and the food
thank you
for loaning me bus fare
thank you for showing me around
that was a very kind thing to do
thank you
for the use of the clean towel
thank you for half of your bed
we can sleep here like brother and sister,
you said.
thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
I don't know where else
I would have turned.
But I don't come and go
like a pop song
that you can play incessantly
and then foget when it's gone
you can't write me off
and you don't turn me on.
So don't change the rules
in an hour or two
I don't know what you and your
sisters do
but please don't
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body have to do
with my gratitude? "
In high school, in the front seat of a car, rain pouring down, and he's on top of me, entering me and the pain is excruciating and within minutes, the whole experience is done and he's kicking me out of his car in the pouring rain outside the school dance. I am embarrassed and confused.
In college, after a long night of partying, falling asleep in a friend's bed only to be awoken in the early hours of the morning with them taking off my t-shirt, forcing their tongue down my throat, telling me to be quiet. Me, wriggling out of their grasp and running out of the house loaded with the guilt of "I must have done something to deserve that". Yes, I was plenty self destructive at the time in my life. But, really?
While traveling abroad, I found myself without a place to sleep one night. I had been traveling with a supposed business associate, assisting him with investigating real-estate options abroad. He was supposed to have set up separate sleeping arrangements, but upon arrival, after 17 hours of travel, I discover, he in fact, had ulterior plans. I fled, in anger and shame again, believing somehow I had brought this upon myself. And I had no where to stay. The first night I slept in the bus station. I made friends with a group of Aussies who lived in town; ex-pats living the along the Adriatic. One offered me a place to stay on his couch. But, alas, again, upon entering the apartment, only to discover no couch; just a double bed. And just like in Ani's song, he said, 'we can sleep here like brother and sister.' But I know that my brother never asked me to do the things he asked me to do that night. Again, another cold, sleepless night in the bus station. Guilt and shame. Fear and doubt. Traveling alone isn't as glamorous as it is portrayed.
Someone asks you out on a date and you feel obliged to kiss them. When they pressure your for more, perhaps a little violently, you appease and give in. Guilt and shame.
Women who find themselves in this situation are not whores. They are not 'asking for it'. But, yet, there is a certain group of women who repeatedly find themselves in similar situations. I know this, because I have had this experience more than once.
Finally, in my last relationship, when I as a result of escalating violence, I got myself enrolled into an awesome an awesome counseling program. There, I met 10 other women, who like me, had fought men off of them their entire lives. Self esteem rock bottom, guilt, fear, and shame of it repeating itself again and again. Confusion over what we've possibly had done to deserve this. In this 12 week program, I was able to finally break the cycle of violence. And with the support and insight gained in classes at my church, I am able to say, with confidence, that I know I never deserved this and I certainly have the power to prevent it.
I honestly don't know how you get over it. It hurts really bad inside of me. It's a hole, burning deep, painful place within me. I think sometimes the emotions are fanned or fueled by my repeating thoughts of unworthiness and the whole thing starts to consume my inner sanctuary. It's been crumbling down and there are cracks where the light comes in. I am burning from the inside out. Saddened by a life lived with openness, trustworthiness and general belief that people are not out to hurt me. Did they hurt me or did I allow them to hurt me, in a passive way to hurt myself? Is my self hatred that deeply ingrained into my inner psyche? Is it possible to heal?
I've been meditating lately on this one idea that when thoughts and emotions are combined they sort of cycle around and around. This can be harmless, say, for instance if it's a thought and emotion about love, peace, goodwill; but, when the thought is one that is destructive, such as "I am not worthy of love" or "I deserve this abuse" it can not only destroy one's self esteem, but it can also start to take down the entire facade of life that you've created around this belief.
Which, ironically, actually ends up working in your favor if you allow it to crumble. Because it is in the rubble where you find your truest self. It's when the light sneaks through the cracks that one finally begins to see the truth.
And it is so true, that my body has little to do with my gratitude. Gratitude is a feeling that wells up from inside of a whole, loving, peaceful person. Gratitude is not an obligation. It springs forth uncontrollably when love is reciprocated unconditionally. When the giver is the receiver and the receiver is the giver and neither one cares which one is which because the gratitude is such a beautiful feeling. I know now that if I feel obligated to give someone something in return for their favor, then I am not coming from my heart center.
"thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
thank you
for the beer and the food
thank you
for loaning me bus fare
thank you for showing me around
that was a very kind thing to do
thank you
for the use of the clean towel
thank you for half of your bed
we can sleep here like brother and sister,
you said.
thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
I don't know where else
I would have turned.
But I don't come and go
like a pop song
that you can play incessantly
and then foget when it's gone
you can't write me off
and you don't turn me on.
So don't change the rules
in an hour or two
I don't know what you and your
sisters do
but please don't
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body have to do
with my gratitude? "
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