What Does My Body Have to do With My Gratitude?

Every time I hear that song from Ani DiFranco, I stop what I am doing and listen to her words. Soft yet confident and so, oh so truthful. With some shame and reluctance I share with you that I've been put into a similar situation as well. ;More than once before, I have been trusting, believing the best in the other and honestly quite unbelievably I have had my innocence violated.

In high school, in the front seat of a car, rain pouring down, and he's on top of me, entering me and the pain is excruciating and within minutes, the whole experience is done and he's kicking me out of his car in the pouring rain outside the school dance. I am embarrassed and confused.

In college, after a long night of partying, falling asleep in a friend's bed only to be awoken in the early hours of the morning with them taking off my t-shirt, forcing their tongue down my throat, telling me to be quiet. Me, wriggling out of their grasp and running out of the house loaded with the guilt of "I must have done something to deserve that". Yes, I was plenty self destructive at the time in my life. But, really?

While traveling abroad, I found myself without a place to sleep one night. I had been traveling with a supposed business associate, assisting him with investigating real-estate options abroad. He was supposed to have set up separate sleeping arrangements, but upon arrival, after 17 hours of travel, I discover, he in fact, had ulterior plans. I fled, in anger and shame again, believing somehow I had brought this upon myself. And I had no where to stay. The first night I slept in the bus station. I made friends with a group of Aussies who lived in town; ex-pats living the along the Adriatic. One offered me a place to stay on his couch. But, alas, again, upon entering the apartment, only to discover no couch; just a double bed. And just like in Ani's song, he said, 'we can sleep here like brother and sister.' But I know that my brother never asked me to do the things he asked me to do that night. Again, another cold, sleepless night in the bus station. Guilt and shame. Fear and doubt. Traveling alone isn't as glamorous as it is portrayed.

Someone asks you out on a date and you feel obliged to kiss them. When they pressure your for more, perhaps a little violently, you appease and give in. Guilt and shame.

Women who find themselves in this situation are not whores. They are not 'asking for it'. But, yet, there is a certain group of women who repeatedly find themselves in similar situations. I know this, because I have had this experience more than once.
Finally, in my last relationship, when I as a result of escalating violence, I got myself enrolled into an awesome an awesome counseling program. There, I met 10 other women, who like me, had fought men off of them their entire lives. Self esteem rock bottom, guilt, fear, and shame of it repeating itself again and again. Confusion over what we've possibly had done to deserve this. In this 12 week program, I was able to finally break the cycle of violence. And with the support and insight gained in classes at my church, I am able to say, with confidence, that I know I never deserved this and I certainly have the power to prevent it.

I honestly don't know how you get over it. It hurts really bad inside of me. It's a hole, burning deep, painful place within me. I think sometimes the emotions are fanned or fueled by my repeating thoughts of unworthiness and the whole thing starts to consume my inner sanctuary. It's been crumbling down and there are cracks where the light comes in. I am burning from the inside out. Saddened by a life lived with openness, trustworthiness and general belief that people are not out to hurt me. Did they hurt me or did I allow them to hurt me, in a passive way to hurt myself? Is my self hatred that deeply ingrained into my inner psyche? Is it possible to heal?

I've been meditating lately on this one idea that when thoughts and emotions are combined they sort of cycle around and around. This can be harmless, say, for instance if it's a thought and emotion about love, peace, goodwill; but, when the thought is one that is destructive, such as "I am not worthy of love" or "I deserve this abuse" it can not only destroy one's self esteem, but it can also start to take down the entire facade of life that you've created around this belief.

Which, ironically, actually ends up working in your favor if you allow it to crumble. Because it is in the rubble where you find your truest self. It's when the light sneaks through the cracks that one finally begins to see the truth.

And it is so true, that my body has little to do with my gratitude. Gratitude is a feeling that wells up from inside of a whole, loving, peaceful person. Gratitude is not an obligation. It springs forth uncontrollably when love is reciprocated unconditionally. When the giver is the receiver and the receiver is the giver and neither one cares which one is which because the gratitude is such a beautiful feeling. I know now that if I feel obligated to give someone something in return for their favor, then I am not coming from my heart center.

"thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
thank you
for the beer and the food
thank you
for loaning me bus fare
thank you for showing me around
that was a very kind thing to do
thank you
for the use of the clean towel
thank you for half of your bed
we can sleep here like brother and sister,
you said.
thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
I don't know where else
I would have turned.
But I don't come and go
like a pop song
that you can play incessantly
and then foget when it's gone
you can't write me off
and you don't turn me on.
So don't change the rules
in an hour or two
I don't know what you and your
sisters do
but please don't
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body have to do
with my gratitude? "