There has been something that I felt that I have not been quite honest with you about. And for that I apologize. The truth is, that I've been hiding something from you for some time. It is not because I don't trust you. No, not at all. I think I held back out of embarrassment.
It is a deeply held, tightly guarded, lovingly protected secret which I know that I implied in some of my posts, however, it wasn’t fully forth-coming; instead it was sort of passive and for that I seek your forgiveness. Some of you know what I am talking about; those of you who saw me in my absolute worst.
So here it is: I am a survivor of domestic abuse.
And yet, why did I hesitate to name it outright?
Abuse, domestic abuse, is a silent disease that affects more than 74% of people in the US whether they know someone or are a part of the abuse. It directly affects roughly 25% the US of population.
I never, ever, ever in my wildest dreams would have suspected that I would become a victim of domestic violence. I mean I run triathlons and climb high Sierra peaks, I traveled abroad and speak two languages. I have a good education, a high-paying professional job. I mean, how did this college-educated, sassy, world-traveled, strong, independent woman become a victim of abuse? How did I allow it? What is wrong with me that I allowed this to happen to me?
The women I met in my group counseling sessions were just as flabbergasted too. They all seemed capable, smart, well-meaning young women. How????
Well, the simple answer is that, it's not that easy. The circumstances for which I entered into my relationship have little to do with the final series of outcomes. When he was in his particular state of rage, I was in my own particular state of lack of self-worth and dis-equilibrium.
There are a number of “reasons” for our stress. Citizenship status, financial needs, pity, mutual desire for something other than another Tahoe winter season, unplanned pregnancy, house remodel, unplanned c-section, post-partum depression, paternal resentment, debt, bad economy, historically bad fight with best friend, loss of our one functioning car, his family‘s pure dislike of me….the list goes on.
It was if “God” were against us. And I used to cry aloud to God, screaming how I hated him and that he had left me alone in this pure tragic misery of pain and regret. I used to say that I would never again be duped into believing in the supposed powers of universal spirit. What had God ever done for me?
It is in the absolute moment of despair that one can finally see the truth. There exists only one truth. If then, there is darkness, such as what I experienced, there must then also be light. For without one, the other cannot exist.
So, out of chaos, I found peace. Out of poverty, I found prosperity. Out of hatred and judgment I found unconditional love and acceptance. Out of pain and suffering I found joy and patience. Out of loss I found gratitude. Out of disaster I found strength and perseverance. Out of loneliness I found community.
And I know that I would not have ever appreciated any of these without having lost pretty much everything. I am like the Job of Ventura. Ha!
If you are a victim today, I urge you to take the necessary steps to get yourself to a safe location and begin to rebuild your life. Take it from me; it can be done. It isn’t “impossible”. Yes, it isn’t easy. And from experience, the services from the County or State are scattered and confusing at best. But, here are some resources that can help you get out of your current situation and into the life you were meant to inhabit.
It's time to let go of that story that you deserve this and begin to accept the truth that you deserve so much more...all that the Universe has to offer and more.
Cal Lutheran Community Counseling Center http://www.callutheran.edu/community_counseling/
Ventura County Project Understanding http://www.projectunderstanding.org/
Ventura County 211 http://www.icfs.org/211ventura.org/
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