Impermance

This word has been on my mind lately.  And then I "Googled" it.  First of all, let me state that I just love that we as a nation have turned a company name into a verb.  Here in America, that sort of shit happens all the time and it truly defines "American" ingenuity and culture to a great extent.  I am in favor of it, in many cases.


So, impermanence....well, Webster's will say that it is the state of being impermanent.  Not so helpful.  But it gives a host of wonderful synonyms that I just simply fell in love immediately.  Ones like: ephemerality, evanescence,  fleetingness, and transience.  Wow!  I had no idea.  I mean, I had an idea, but it was so tempered and restricted by my cultural upbringing and education.  But these words together, afford a new perspective on the word impermanence entirely.  I get giddy thinking how might I include such words in my every day language.


"Oh, excuse me; I was caught in a state of fleetingness and did not realize I cut your off in traffic."  "My evanescence simply does not allow me to hear your complaints at this time."  

Life, as we know it, could really all be very much imagined.  In our heads.  The "tapes" that replay over and over.  Much of what we experience isn't real in the sense that it's actually happening; most of it; is a result of what we perceive and project.   We're so busy with the mind and the voices, judgments and fears in our heads that we are not actually living in the very moment of now.... And that, is our disconnection with our state of impermanence.   


Why Impermanence, you might ask...?  Well, gosh, do I have to be so blunt?  Is it just me, or is life a daily experiment in how we relate and react or respond to impermanence?  The very nature of day turning to night and then back to day is a constant reminder that our world is in flux.  As I write this blog, we are coming towards the Autumn Equinox; the time when days become shorter and shorter until we reach the shortest day of the year.  Then suddenly, everything changes again, and it becomes Spring and a new cycle of life, day after day repeats itself. 


I was thinking about the impermanence of Facebook and what an ironically indelible manifestation it has created in our society.  We post things, that, for that moment in time seem so important, yet, as days, even now, seconds pass by, the prominent passage we've interjected into the flow of information, which seemed so necessary, so obvious, soon disappears into the vast "older posts" dominion of cyber-life.  It's lost in the cyber-river of information on the web; which in itself, is an ephemeral world we rely upon for connection to others; ironically instead of interacting with others face to face.  My goodness sakes, my mind is spinning!


For, just four months ago I was lamenting on the oppression I felt from one individual, but, today, I can proclaim that I miraculously find peace and solitude in the "what is". The impermanence of life eludes us daily, yet becomes so evident in a historical context.


I am taking yet another fantastic class with the Ventura Center for Spiritual Living.  This one is called, Foundations, and it's really about the foundation of the development behind Science of Mind (SOM); how it was formed, and the core set of principles and beliefs.   I was reading one excerpt from a Reverend Christian Sorensen, D.D. (and I apologize for not knowing who Mr. Sorensen is or what D.D. means....); however, he was speaking in regards to grace.  And, again, the focus in SOM is on what is, not what one perceives.   


"To rest in Spirit, one's desires vanish and needs disappear because every need was met before becoming aware of it.  Living by grace allows Spirit to express to it fullness.  In this pure state of being, prayers are no longer for something, because that means there is a desire.  Prayers become simply listening; this allows the power of the God-thought through.  Of course it's the "I" who first starts the listening but that "I" dissolves into the Wholeness and the prayer becomes a Divine Proclamation. This graceful approach lets in the warmth, color and love of God's kingdom made manifest as your life."   

I spent a lot of time in my life wishing for things and then lamenting when they didn't manifest.  I am realizing that once you put a label on it; once you attach yourself and all your desires, judgments, etc. to it, you limit it, you bog it down and it has a hard time manifesting because it wasn't set free to be what the Universe knows it to be.  The way to peace is the way of impermanence because you release all expectations, doubts, fears, etc.. and just allow yourself to be, in this very present moment, that is, for only this moment and then it's gone but the beauty of it all is that a new moment is always there for us....


The way of the Buddha will talk about 'impermanence' as "an undeniable and inescapable fact of human existence from which nothing that belongs to this earth is ever free".  I don't think they mean we are eternally damned to this life as it is.  I think they mean that our desires and human tendencies trap us into our "constructed" reality.  When we free ourselves from those desires, we become, like a true enlightened Buddha, free from the entanglements of life as we (us humans) know it.   Pema Chodron would say it was the Ego.  The ego, according to her, is the root of all suffering, because it will try to narrow down definitions of our thoughts so that it can control them; thereby controlling our actions, thereby securing it's own future.   


I remember when I read Siddhartha for the first time. What struck me most from that story, was when the Buddha was sitting near the river and he noticed how the water moved by so quickly and that it never was really ever "there".  There was a constant impermanence to the river, just as there was to time, and therefore we too are impermanent.  If there was no time, then there must be no suffering.  If there was no suffering, then there must only be joy.  I think that is sort of how it went.   I am still a little confused on the simplistic thinking that if there is only impermanence, then there is no suffering and therefore only joy... I mean, we experience pain and suffering...don't we?  Isn't it real when it is happening?  If we lose a loved one, can you really say that the pain you feel from that loss isn't real? 


I guess, what it may come down to this: the Universe holds Everything.  In It there is joy and suffering, loss and gain, plenitude and lack, love and hate, etc.   We, as beings, conscious of our existence, get to choose what we want to feel and therefore express in our lives.  It's that choice that makes the idea of impermanence so fertile.  We get to create, moment by moment, the life we chose.  What a blessing that is.  Whoever gave us that gift should be praised, no?  


I'm not saying, run out and scream "Lord Jesus, you are my Savior!" for that really has no relevance in this discussion. (and personally that gives me a whole host of unpleasant reactions, none the least, require inter-venal injections of heavy doses of wine). 

What I am saying, however, is that, we, as humans, on this planet, have been blessed with so much.  Natural resources provide for us; space and time allow us to experience and access those natural resources; we have opportunities to interact with other beings with which we can love, create with and learn from.  


We, by no means, are a perfect civilization; however, we do have one thing that unites us, and that is that we are human, here on this planet, with Spiritual natures or tendencies.  We could try, perhaps, to find the commonalities vs. looking only at the differences.  Starting with our own intimate relationships, we may just be able to transform our very communities and thereby transform something grander.  It's just an idea, right?  But, seriously folks, what else do we really have?  

Isn't he gorgeous!?

So, finally, a quick shout out to my ex-husband, who after many months of being, what I would publicly say, difficult, has turned quite radically into the person I fell in love with over 4 years ago.  And that's not to say "it was all his fault alone".  No, I had a grand hand in the storm we created.  It's as if the tragedy we passed through has allowed us to rediscover our true selves again. Amidst the rubble of our past suffering, we've found that in the present moment, there is a lot of love. And, Ziggy, our dear son teaches us the value of impermanence every day.  

And this I've learned: no need to cry anymore over spilled milk. It's time to move on....time is, after all, moving on too..... Tick-tock, tick-tock.....

Prompts

I took a class a few months back, (ok, the guy had bad hair, but he has good ideas) in which he speaks of "prompts" as one tool used to change behaviors. The theory is based on psychological evidence which show that prompts repeated over and over for a certain period of time, help people change their behavior. As an environmental educator and policy maker for over 15 years, I've often struggled with how to actually enact a change in behavior in people that I am educating.

It's not easy. Take recycling for example. It's a rather accepted social behavior success story. They established a need, they provided a tool for citizens to utilize and then they profited by the success of the invention. For instance, a study conducted in 2007, shows that 3/4 of US residents Do recycle, but that does leave 1/4 who Do not. More than 25% of US Americans DO NOT participate, in some way to the recycling process in any means definable, such as: recycling, observance of simple marketing campaigns, requesting a change in service and most importantly, initiating a change in behavior; i.e. recycling everywhere and anywhere possible.

It's a widely held belief that recycling is one of social behavior modification programs which is fairly successful.  Yet, prompts only work to a certain extent in changing behaviors.  That is why social marketing uses many other tools, such as peer pressure, targeted multimedia campaigns, among others.

So, to focus on me (because, after all, it is all about me) I was noticing, that after having moved into my home recently, that I am always reaching for the light switch and I find it's not where I reach. It's on the opposite side of the doorway. And, I was caught by the idea that each time I reached for a light switch, it was, essentially, a "prompt". One thing that became apparent to me quite immediately, is that I am essentially re-training myself to find the light switch. And, I admit, that I become irate when I reach for it and it isn't there. Especially when I am rushed. Hmmmm......Is there a metaphor here??

As I move from room to room, what I notice is a almost unconscious reaction to reach for a certain direction and/or position for the light switch. I find this particularly interesting because I am in such a period of self reflection right now and wanting to change certain learned behaviors. I haven't spent much effort on "prompting" myself in this endeavor and it made me think, that just as it will take time and repetition to change my behavior to adapt to my new environment, it will take time and repetition to change myself.

I remember arguing with my ex about where to place the light switch for the bathroom in our old place based on visitor comfort and his need/opinion. In the end, we settled with a solution that made little sense to the user of the bathroom, but that made perfect sense to the "man" installing the electricity. And every time I would turn on the switch I'd think of that argument. Weird, huh?

Now, in my new home, when I reach for the light switch and find it's on the other side, I often think of how sad I am to be alone, in a different home; I remember the arguments and I remember the darn light switch in my old house. Funny how the subconscious tenaciously holds onto those sad memories.

Ah, but there is one marvelous aspect to this whole thing: you! Or me, or I, me, myself, you, yourself....the fact that we are our own minds, hearts, spirits and individual selves means we have a choice in how we react. Or better, yet, how we respond. I can chose not to think of the sad memories! I can chose to say a little prayer and count my blessings each time I can't find that darn switch. And it can be done in so many other ways...not just the light switches, but the person who cuts you off while driving, the parking space you didn't get, the broken finger nail, the stubbed toe, the bill that you forgot to pay, the fee that you owe, the friend who didn't call, the boss who was brusque.....They are all 'prompts' and they are offering you a choice. Aren't they so friendly and kind?

When I find myself reacting I am going to try and remember to respond. A conditioned response is so much more graceful and poised. Sure, I won't catch myself every time. It's not about perfection. It's the journey towards perfection that makes life worth living.

Maybe, I can use my new home environment as an experiment in a way to teach myself to speak kindly every time I reach for the wrong side of the doorway; maybe I can use it as a reminder of what is good in my life, versus focusing on what I sense that I lack.  I've been so blessed in this life. Even with the loss and the trauma, I've discovered diamonds in the rough stuff of life. I've rediscovered the beauty not only in myself, but also in the dark corners of unknown territories; as I get close to those places, the view opens up, the light shines bright and I see that things are not as scary as I had first presumed.

Adrenaline ~ It Can be a Positive Amendment to our Spiritual Gardens

Adrenaline ~ a hormone excreted by the adrenal glands to enable the human body to cope with physical and emotional stress.  It's used in literature often to describe a "rush" or "excitement" in moments of great sensation and ardor.  Maybe you've heard a story or two where someone, exposed to a great circumstance, is able to lift heavy objects, carry unbelievably heavy loads and/or survive extreme conditions.

In psychological contexts, adrenaline could be associated with the "flight or fight" responses we have to extreme events in our lives; a natural response is fear.  Fear, according to some scientific studies actually only lasts as a physical reaction within the body for several seconds.

After that, it's our mind that takes over and replays the scenario again and again.  It's at the very moment when the physical response to whatever caused the fear to rise, or the adrenaline to rush, subsides, that we, as conscious human beings can make a choice.  Do you choose to respond proactively to fear or do you hide from it?  Do you react in defensiveness or anger?  Do you suppress it?   Do you even feel it or are you so bugged out on medications that you cannot sense it?

Long-term exposure to stress will eventually erode away one's self esteem, and their physical and mental agility.  It can even change our breathing patterns, thus altering our internal chemistry due to rapid, shallow or irregular breathing.  Long-term exposure to stress can kill us. 

It's like when you are totally stressed out, running from something, running towards something and like, for instance, when you lose your phone, your keys or drop something heavy on your piggy toe.  You push on forward; you don't even realize the loss or the pain until moments, maybe hours or even days later.  The physical sensation has long gone, but the emotional and mental connection may be difficult to release.

I've been thinking about fear lately not because anything bad just happened, but because something miraculous has happened.  And try as I might to let myself go with the flow and follow the energy and light of the divine spirit that works in all of our lives, I feel the tendency to tread backwards, towards the waters of fear and defensiveness.  The difference between setting a loving boundary for myself and being fearful and reactionary to everyday stress isn't quite clear.    

When I left my ex out of fear that my son and me were in danger, the physical reaction to that fear lasted just a few days, at minimum.  But in reality what stuck with me was a mental replaying of the experience.  I mean, dreams, white knuckle-gripped hands on the steering wheel, tense jaw and clenched teeth, panic attacks, sleepless nights.... the works.  It toyed with my physical, mental, spiritual and emotional stability.

Using this energy or emotional response to my advantage is something I totally want to cultivate.  Is it like cultivating a garden?  Planting the seeds, weeding, tilling and tending the soil?  If I allow the response to overpower me and disconnect me from my authentic self, then maybe it is as if I've allowed my spiritual garden to go fallow.  And nobody likes a neglected vacant lot.  Hmmmm.....interesting analogy....

Writer's Block....

I am sure it happens to every writer.  The moment when there is nothing more that pours out of you like water over a falls.  Inspiration seems to have run dry.  Desperate, you begin to think of ways to become witty, lively, inspiring in the mundane.  And honestly, I do not have anything to give to you tonight.

First off, I've had some rather weird interactions lately that have captivated my attention.

One being, that I contacted the person with whom I lost my virginity.  I sent the letter on a Monday and received a call on a Friday.  He was apologetic and kind.  He said he had always followed me secretly via the internet but never contacted me. He said I had always occupied a special place in his heart.  Honestly, the conversation went 4 billion times better than I had imagined it would.  I mean, after all these years, I supposed he didn't even remember me.  But he did.

I remember the night.  I remember the entire experience.  Afterward, I totally felt used, abandoned and lost.  Gosh, I wonder why?  It's not my parents fault that I felt this way, but because they divorced and didn't really talk to me about it, I think I was left with the impression that I was somehow, less than, not worthy, discard-able....and his behavior after the big event was reflective of this assumption.   But then he talked about how he had regrets for his behavior.  How he had always felt I was someone with "spirit".  I was filled with a sense of joy, validation and acceptance.

Or, how about how my ex has asked to "have a date"?  I mean, shit, three months ago, I would have jumped at the chance to return to him.  Six months ago, I would have called the police for an escort.  But now I am a little skeptical and confused.  I mean, yes, I do want the family and the love and the companionship, but do I need to battle the insecurities, the judgments, and the cycle of abuse?  I mean, is it worth it?

So often when I think I have nothing of value to say, contribute, or share, I find that if I quiet myself and simply "feel" I am very much vocal about what is going on in the world around me.  Lately, I've taken to carrying around my "mala beads" with me.  Especially when I walk or drive.  I can breathe and touch one bead after another affirming that which needs to be affirmed.  It helps me remember who I really am.  What values, principles, and qualities I have that are worthy and not easily discarded.

So, with so much emptiness and vagueness in my soul tonight, feeling as though I had nothing to share, I see that deep within me there is still so much aching to come out and see the light of day. 

I am grateful for recent experiences and exchanges that have left me to realize that the world is a very open place without limitations.  We place those limits by what we believe, what we have been taught and what others have pressured us to accept as the truth.  The only truth is that which is inside of you.  So, maybe this block was not a stopping point, not a road block, but simply a stop light, a delightful detour, a moment in the day to simple be with what is and accept it as such.

Baking a Spiritual Cake

I am struggling today.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had a minor medical procedure this morning and as a result, I was so drugged out that when I finally woke today at 5 pm I had no idea where I was or what time it was.  Maybe it has something to do with my period coming any day now.  I always get a little emotional at this time of the month.  Maybe it's because while I read through the books and go through the therapy and do the meditations, I am still, deep down, struggling with being in love with my ex-husband.  Maybe I'm not in love with him really, but the idea of him and what he represented to me.  Maybe it's because regardless of how much I focus on the positive, the good in my life,  and letting go of the pain of the past, I still want to be part of a family.  It's like I've got all these ingredients to make a lovely cake, but I am still missing something.

I threw my tarot cards today.  A simple, daily spread for (1) what was the important aspect of the day, (2) what to be mindful of (3) and what desires and/or projections I may have.   I received Justice, which basically means that I am focused on things like organizing paperwork for the divorce and making sure that I am not getting screwed over by my ex.  But much more than that, it suggests that the laws of justice are working for me.  That which has happened in the past will be redeemed with new, good opportunities and blessings in the future.  I received 9 of Swords which means that I am to be mindful of the despair and sadness that follows me still.  It's always darkest before the dawn and in essence a new dawn is on the horizon.  And finally, I received the 10 of Pentacles that depicts the ideal happy family.  The one I so desire yet seems impossible for me to achieve.  This card cautions, however, to be weary because the reality isn't always as good as the idealized.  In short, be careful what you wish for.

Funny that I had been thinking of that stuff prior to throwing the cards.  And even in my complete post-procedure haze I had an intense feeling of mournfulness for something for which I couldn't quite put my finger on.  Then, out of the blue, my ex-husband sent a text inviting me out for a drink and a nice conversation.....hmmm.  This sends shivers down my spine.  Fears of rejection, manipulation and deception encircle.  What does he want?  What is he going to try and encourage me to do for him?  How will I be hurt this time?  Because the conundrum is that while I know I should be placing healthy boundaries around me to protect myself, I still let him in out of the desire to be together again. 

If old Ernest Holmes was standing next to me, he'd perhaps tap me on the shoulder and remind me "that it is done unto me as I believe".  So, if I keep the fears and doubts and the sadness and pain of rejection inside of me when I see him, I will obviously be rewarded in kind.  It seems totally naive of me to go and have a drink with him and act like I am not dying inside.  I guess, however, that is where those handy boundaries come into play.  I mean, I can still love him and want to have a family with him.  But I don't have to wear my pain on my sleeve.  I can hold it close to my heart, close to God and allow it to breathe as I breathe, hear, observe and contemplate the meaning in a safe, loving space.

Maybe to you it sounds naive and childish that I haven't learned how to interact with my ex-husband.  But there it is.  My little girl inside still wants the fairy tale; my hurt and violated outer self wants justice and the truth is somewhere in between.  Even if I can act brave and healed on the outside, inside there is a woman who is devastatingly sad for the loss of what she believed to be her destiny.

Hmmmm....Do unto him as  I believe.  Do I believe I am silly and naive?  Do I believe that my life is worse or better now?  Do I believe he has some kind of power over me?  Or, is the power inside of me greater than any power because it is the power of Spirit?  As I believe.  hmmm....  What if it's not about simply believing in one thing, but how one believes.  So even though I am sad for my loss and fearful for my future I can redirect my energy to be open to what is, as it is.  I can love myself just the same; with or without this sadness.  But it's the loving of myself that is the key ingredient.  It's like the baking soda in the cake mix.  No one really tastes it but without it the cake won't rise.

Why "Should's" shouldn't be....

Have you ever had someone say to you, "well, you should...."? Oh, how irritating, right? Not only are they obviously not listening to you (because they forgot to validate what you just said to them) but they also are making assumptions about you based on their own beliefs and values. I've had a lot of people tell me what I should do in the last 30 or so years of my life. I haven't always been mindful in how I react to those should's, what they trigger in me, and where the should's seem to be coming from. It wasn't until recently that I even became aware that the should's were assumptions. I mean, honestly, I think I listened to the should's like they had some kind of authority. What insanity. Isn't it the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over expecting different results? Well, here I have been living, hearing and trying to respond to the should's always anticipating that somehow I'd achieve nirvana and meet the expectations of the should-giver. Yet, now, I think, it's becoming apparent that many should-givers don't really know what they want from me, let alone anyone or anything in life. All they are doing is trying to make life be what they want, what feels good for them because they are so immature and underdeveloped emotionally that they cannot conceive a life beyond should's. It's all they know.

Louise Hay says that "should is one of the most damaging words in our language". Because every time we use it, we are in essence saying, "wrong". She suggests removing 'should' and replacing it with 'could'. It's marvelously freeing to do so. Try it. "I should forgive so-and-so...." implies that if I don't I am somehow wrong, less benevolent, more judgmental, maybe even selfish. But if I rephrase it, "I could forgive so-and-so if I so chose, but here are my reasons why I've not done so....." Wow! What power that affords you!

The book, The Four Agreements, is one of the easiest and simplest self-books out there. If you have not read it yet, I highly recommend it. They are: Be impeccable with your word, Don't take anything personally, Don't make assumptions, and Always do your best. It's not the end all to productive and healthy living, but it's a start. And how! There seem to be a plethora of folks who just don't really know the basics. It's like my toddler, Ziggy. He's just two and a half years old. The other day a young girl was interested in touching him....almost pushing him but mostly just wanting to touch his belly. He said, "no touch, please, no touch!" instead of actually hitting or pushing her. I was quite amazed because I work with elementary school students and I know for a fact they often don't know how to 'use their words'. And I know many adults who too, struggle with expressing themselves without simply reacting in anger, frustration, jealousy, judgement and blame.

I am certainly not claiming to be some kind of authority. For shit snakes, I am in therapy weekly, have been for 5 months and don't plan on ending it any time soon. I've got just as much baggage as the next person. But I guess it's kind of a matter of how you carry and manage the baggage. I heard a quote the other day, something like, we've all got baggage, why not get some with fancy wheels that sparkle and some neat fluorescent colors? In a nutshell, enjoy life exactly where you are, with what you have and maybe life won't seem like such a burden.  In the past, when entering into new relationships, I'd often tenuously carry my baggage along with me, and not really open it up until I felt pretty comfortable. Eventually, I'd be there, like modeling all it's contents...trying on different eras of my life in front of my new partner and trying to honestly share the contents, and realistically saying aloud, "hey, I know some of this shit is down right weird, but what are your thoughts on the subject, while I got your attention??" And, of course, as you can imagine, they'd totally blow me off. Only igniting some internal conflict regarding my inner child, the baggage I carry and the assumptions that linger in my inner psyche.

Who knows. I mean even my therapist doesn't seem to really KNOW, you know. And the first person who says that they know more than likely is the one to be suspicious of, in my humble opinion. Maybe the Dali Lama....maybe.

In light of Laws

Anyway, a couple of things have been happening lately that got me to thinking about spirituality and manifestation.  I mean, could we really manifest that which we so desire in our lives?  Do we really have that kind of power?  Here are some brief examples.  

I've been learning a lot about spirituality lately.  I've been reading this book, This Thing Called You, by Ernest Holmes.  For those of you who don't know who he is, well, I'm just learning myself, but apparently he basically founded the Religious Science movement.  And, it's often a disclaimer, when you mention Religious Science that it's not to be confused with Scientology.  They are not the same.  Not even close.

Mr. Holmes talks about how the Law of Spirit is no different than the Law of Gravity.  For instance, we don't disagree that things stay put wherever we place them.  Gravity holds them in place and this is pretty much a certain fact of life here on Planet Earth.  If we want to put a horse in our living room, we can.  It doesn't make a lot of practical sense in many respects, but the Law of Gravity will keep the horse right there until we move it.  We have the power to rearrange things within the context of the law.

Just as gravity works without fail, spirituality or faith, rather, works the same way.  God/Goddess/the Universe/Spirit always is open to you and you to it.  You are connected because you are one and the same.  Therefore, the Universe is abundant with limitless possibilities and that means that you have access to the same; but only is so much as the manner in which you apply the law.  It makes no sense to say that you are worthless and undeserving of God's gifts.  How does that serve you or those around you?  It's like putting a horse in your living room.  However, you can rearrange those same thoughts, under the basic premise that you are connected to God and are the way of God, and say that all the goodness the Universe has to offer is available to you.

Mr. Holmes says at one point in This Thing Called You, "Spirit withholds nothing from you.  To believe that God refuse the good you desire is to deny the goodness of God.  It  is a refusal to accept the profound conclusion of the one who said, "it is done unto you as you believe."

I used to think this was bull-hooey.

But; I live in this tiny studio apartment with my 2.5 year old son and to say the least, it's cramped.  It was always supposed to be a transition house until I was able to afford and have the means to move to a larger place.  I mean, literally, it's only been 6 months since I took us out of an abusive home and had to start all over again.  So, I am trying to be patient with myself.  Every day I wake up and I breathe in and out and thank God/Goddess/the Universe/Spirit for having a safe place to live.  To wake up next to a sleeping, beautiful toddler is the most precious gift I can think of....

I've been praying, however, to be able to upgrade from my studio to a real home a lot lately.  I put an image onto my Vision Board I made at the Moon Girls Gathering last full moon.  I place the intentions out when I drive around my neighborhood.   And the other day, I was receiving a reading from a trusted Medium and she specifically called out a 2 bedroom apartment in my future.

I often start my day checking Craigslist to see if the perfect, two-bedroom cottage, with a fenced yard and storage space in a quiet, safe midtown neighborhood, in my price range apartment, available.  And today, there it was!  It was posted just minutes before I went online!!  I went to see it on my lunch break and it's exactly like what I've been imagining.  Sure the paint is peeling and it's right next to the train tracks, but it's AWESOME!  I can finally have a garden again.  My son can play safely outdoors without me fearing he'll get hit by a car.  He'll have his own bedroom in which to grow into a little man.  Granted I'll miss waking up next to him, but a small price to pay for security of a HOME.

So I tried to calm down.  I tried to breathe and let it go out to the Universe so that it would be able to manifest.  I went to do other things to distract myself.  But something drew me back to the place in the early evening.  As I pulled up onto the street, a woman approached me.  She was walking her dogs.  I asked her if she lived in the neighborhood and she said yes, just a few blocks to the left.  I mentioned I was looking at one of the apartments.  She asked which one.  When I told her, she laughed.  That was her old place.  She met her husband while living on this street a few years ago and now lives just a few blocks down.  She said the street was wonderful.  

How wonderful.   What a wonderful mystery the Universal Power of Spirit is.  Let's offer this blessing unto the Universe and let it manifest as it should.  I am open and willing to accept the gifts of good that seek to find me.