The Dance

A few months ago my ex-husband found my blog and became angry because I had implied he was 'abusive' without reason.  He, as a reaction to my 'defiance', decided to take our dog, Chulo, away from me and our son . We had an unwritten agreement that that dog goes wherever our son goes.  Our son has grown up with Chulo.  It all seemed rational at the time.  When our son stays with me, Chulo would come, and that had brought comfort to our son, adjusting to a new arrangement.  But based upon some irrelevant reaction, my ex decided that was no longer a valid arrangement.

Before, when we'd open the door, the first thing our son would say would be, "Chulo?!" with surprise and delight.  And yet, now, without him to answer the door, he seemed, to be quite frank, dismayed. This has caused some confusion and consternation for our son.  He doesn't like having Chulo away from him for long periods of time. He asks about him a lot.   I asked my ex to reconsider his position but he told me to in so many words, to "fuck off", and not discuss it with him any more.

The whole experience has left me sad and feeling like a victim all over again.  What RIGHT does he have to TAKE anything away from me?

And, I realize that my very resistance to his antagonism is, in a way, pacifism.  I shut down and he wins.  And yet, his antagonism, is a form of pacifism; because by afflicting fear in me, he doesn't have to actually "deal" with reality.  We are, in short, mirrors.

The way that I react to his aggression is only a measure of my amount of work I have left to do.  The idea of sitting back and allowing him to do this again seems fruitless and unfair, but the idea of fighting with a soul that is as bruised and damaged as he is, seems pointless.  I guess I believe that all I can do is express love. Love Chulo from afar and love our son as he begs for his companion and furthermore, love my ex for his misunderstanding of the Truth of the Law of the Universe.

It got me to thinking about my last project for a recent VCSL class where we learned about our inner sanctuaries; our "castles" we build around our stories.  We build walls around each story.  We create fortresses for our entire lives.  Once built, we acquire some kind of certainty, to which others can only respond in acquiescence.  We, in short, build entire castles around our stories, which, should we want to live in wholeness and freedom, must be broken down, in order to live a fuller life.  It takes a lot of effort to build a castle, let alone the amount of work required to consciously tear it down.

During the class, each of us was given a quote for which we were asked to reflect upon during the remaining weeks.  At first, I did not like my quote, as which, many of the other students had also expressed. But, as I sat with it; the quote became relevant to me, as quite perfect for this very period of my life. Had it appeared at any other time, it would have not made the impact that it did for me.

It was: "Life is the dancer and you are the dance." by Eckhert Tolle.  It's not very magnificent nor magical. It is sort of, "huh??"  And that is precisely why I both, at first loathed it and then, after time, fell in love with it.

Eckhert also said, "I am not just a person floating around aimlessly, nor am I just a person. (unattached ??) I am not IN the Universe; but rather I AM the Universe which is in me, is awakening, experiencing, having its being in ME." He goes on to say that every expression of "ME" is fleeting. And then loses me in all his verbosity.

Although, the word fleeting stuck with me.  It, in itself is a wonderful word.  A dear friend recently relayed a quote from a book he was reading, (Busting Lose from the Money Game), that basically said, "remember that days are not bricks to be laid row on row, to be built into a solid house, where one might dwell in safety and peace, but are only food for the fires of the heart".  Edmund Wilson.  That whole Castle class now seems frivolous when I read this quote.

I replied to him that, in life, everything seems consumed and not permanent.  And he remained attached to the idea that these "experiences" are food for the heart and what a beautiful expression that was.  And it is, but then I emphasized to him the difference between food and fuel.  One is meant to nourish and the other is meant to be consumed. Both are necessity, which is the most necessary?  And then I reminded him again, that everything in this life is fleeting.  Nothing is permanent.  Life is, unfortunately, a paradox.

And then, as if by some guided force, our Reverend gave her last message about the paradox of reality.  She reminisced when, as a child, she'd hang upside-down and what a glorious view it gave of the world.  And then she questioned, which reality is the real one?  Upside down or right-side up?  She reasoned, as did, Ernest Holmes, that the "reality" we choose is the reality we experience.  So. there is no "wrong" and no "right" but there only "IS".

Should I believe that my ex-husband's angry words are simply "his life" and I am my own dancer?  I can choose to dance his dance or chose my own music?  Can I see that life is fleeting and the thoughts we have and actions we choose, lay the bricks of our lives (castles)  ( i.e. bearing a child together) and yet see that this is not a house with which to lay a foundation, but rather, just bricks, as they were laid, with no real other meaning beyond their very existence?  Maybe, in fact, strewn upon the ground aimlessly?  

 Is this child, shared between us nourishment or something to be consumed?  Is he nothing more than a necessity?  I think he is a divine gift.

Nourishment and consumption is based upon the degree to which a soul lacks or serves.  A soul that is fed and nourished gives back.  A soul that is hungry and in lack, takes.  Our son does nothing but gives, freely and innocently, but we, as broken humans in this crazy world, seem to place other values on his very existence.

Anything, that brings joy to a child, which is then taken away out of spite and anger, is a tool used for oppression by those who are hungry and malnourished in Spirit. And you know, Karma is a bitch.  I've said that before.

I don't mean to judge, really, I don't, but after beating this dog for mistakes that are well beyond the understanding of a dog's responsibility, this man was himself bitten by the very animal he abused.  Tell me Karma wasn't present in that moment?  It's fleeting, not built in stones of actions or words.  It comes and goes... this presence of Spirit.  There is no hard and fast rule for how Spirit retaliates, because It never retaliates, but simply answers, like for like. Spirit's only response, in the LAW of God is YES.  What you put in, comes out.  It's a mirror.  And mirrors are easily shattered.

The sad fact is that I lived a long time in FEAR.  And what I received was fearful things.  Now, as I step across the threshold from fear to trust.  From deception to love, I see that life can be so much more than the reality that Ego or society or controlling, manipulating empty souls paint for us.  God has a pallet of colors so magnificent we are shamed by our smallness as we approach the opening from the unreal to the real believing that we are not worthy of the greatness of God.  But no matter, God loves us just the same.

When I open the door to my dog today, I open the door to a new reality.  One that answers, YES to life and love.  One that exists in the reality of fleeting trust and ambivalence of this human reality and duality.  This doorway is the the very crossroads between that which is built by humans and that which is the life of God. Thank God I have the gift of crossing it.  Thank God it exists to teach me the difference between the two. Thank God for this dance; even though I feel uncertain, I see that I am not in control and things are not permanent, no matter how real they seem at the time.  And the fleetingness is a precious gift, not a prison, not built like walls of old stories that hold us in the past.